Noisy, Noisy Man | Your daily dose of retard | funny website

An Open Letter To The Girl Who Accidentally Touched My Bird in The Elevator

Dear Girl Who Accidentally Touched My Bird in The Elevator,

So I was standing in the elevator minding my own business, right? And I was busy talking to The Mordo and Helga, minding my own business when your group just came in barging. I counted between 7-10 people. It should’ve been an ordinary crowded elevator moment. But you had to come in, texting and not minding your surroundings and swinging your arms like crazy. Yep, swinging your arms like crazy in a crowded elevator.

Guess where your hand landed.

 
So, Girl Who Accidentally Touched My Bird in The Elevator, I usually don’t mind. Accidents do happen, you know. But it was really amusing to see you stop in your tracks, freeze for around thirty seconds, panic written across your face. At this point I was so fucking trying to keep my laughter in. So I decided to do what any other gentleman would do in such an awkward situation: stare at you and keep the awkwardness up for the long elevator ride from the 25th floor down to the ground floor. More »

Tags: accident, bird, eitits, elevator, girl, lol, retardicity, stupid, The Man Blog, tite

I Think My Old Friends Are Scared Of Me

Little-known fact about me: I used to be part of UST’s Campus Ministry back in college. Yes, I used to volunteer and facilitate recollections, retreats, and similar activities. And yes, I also stood on stage and danced some charismatic songs in front of freshmen. And talked about Jesus and his love. A lot.

… Shut up. More »

Tags: blog, campus ministry, creepy, fat, friends, lol, retardicity, scary, ust

Inner Child Therapy: Writer’s Block

INNER CHILD: Geez, you look horrible. What’s up?
ME: … I can’t write.
INNER CHILD: Seriously?
ME: Yeah.
INNER CHILD: No way. Writer’s block much?
ME: Yes, okay? Now get off my back and stop badgering me.
INNER CHILD: You’re mean.
ME: No, seriously. I’ve been staring at this goddamn laptop for days already and I can’t come up with anything decent. So please stop bugging me okay?
INNER CHILD: You’ve been staring at the laptop for… days?
ME: Of course I was exaggerating.
INNER CHILD: Did you take a bath or something?
ME: I… uh, WHAT?
INNER CHILD: Coz you’re on computer for days!
ME: I told you, I was exagg-
INNER CHILD: LOLOLOLOLOLOL!11 More »

Tags: id, inner child, weird, writer's block

Anger Management, I Fail At It

I’ve always thought of myself as the most patient person in the world. No, seriously. Just ask my ex girlfriends. (Kidding, ladies. Please don’t kill me.) But I’m becoming really, as in really, cranky and short-tempered as of late and it’s starting to worry me.

Take this incident from last week, for instance. I was running late for work and I had to go through another astoundingly mind-numbing human crush over at the legendary MRT morning rush. There have been fables of casualties there, my cellphone being one of them. Anyway, imagine going through a human stampede on a daily basis, plus having to deal with various armpits and the whole gamut of bodily odors can really take its toll. More »

Tags: anger, anger management, armpit hair, armpits, Facebook, fail, fantasy, fat, lolz, MRT, turkey sandwich, zen, zen bubble

In This Entry Ade Talks About Marriage. And Stuff

I spent the weekend in internet-less rural Laguna. You know, those places where we have to hunt wild boars for food and offer burnt sacrifices to Maria Makiling to prevent the dragon from eating the sun, hence delaying the end of the world and giving the tribes more time to engage in orgies and human sacrifices.

But that’s not the entire point of the article. You see, my grandparents live in that place. But that still is not my point.

You see, my aunt got married two months ago and since me and my aunt have a very small age gap (see what I did there, tita?) she finally got relieved of the pressure of getting married and stuff. And guess who the grandfolks set their eyes on next.

Clue: His name starts with “A” and ends with “de Magnaye”.

So cue clueless Ade, walking into the nipa hut (yes, they live in a nipa hut. I kid not. Well, the nipa hut’s got airconditioning. So whatev.), greeting his grandfolks like he always does. Then his grandpa, sensing a moment of weakness, drops the bomb:

“Say, Ade, when are you getting married?”

You do not ask that to a single 25-year old who has no plans of getting married just yet because 90% of the women he meets treat him as a gay best friend only straight while the remaining 10% treat him as a sexual offender. More »

Tags: ditz, grandfolks, laguna, lolo, mail-order bride, marriage, nipa hut, old, paid companionship, prostitues, rural, sacrifice, tribe, wife

Holy Week and Me

Oh, hey guys, I can’t believe Holy Week is already over. And truth be told, I actually planned to spend some time alone and reflect and be a better person afterwards. No, seriously. Lookee, this is me now:

And I planned to disappear into the mountains alone, find my inner demons and start a protracted battle complete with flashbacks: More »

MRT? More Like M-R-YOU-SUCK-COCK-T!

So yesterday was my first day at work, right? Of course I wanted to go to work early because I don’t want people to think I was a stubborn lazy ass who goes to work only when he feels like it. But I digress.

So I get to the commute part of my soon-to-be daily routine. I go take a jeepney, which takes ten minutes, but it’s normal. Hey, it’s a Monday. I’ve been commuting for years and I always get to elbow pregnant women and frail old ladies for a fair shot at squeezing myself into whatever free space is there in the jeepney.

So after that jeepney ride, I go now to the MRT, which will magically transport me to a magical place called Ortigas where there is work to be done and money to be earned. I have always experienced horrible crowds there and I even had my bird groped once by some fag so I was prepared for another horrific experience and-

Wow.
More »