If you’ve been following my blog for the longest time you would know that I’ve been making one wrong decision after another, and today I decided to turn my life around. This epiphany that I had this morning is almost like waking up next to Emma Watson.

But, really. I woke up this morning, looked for Emma Watson, was slightly pissed off because she wasn’t there, and – BAM – epiphany. This is probably the most important decision I have ever made and I shall share it with all of you.

Today, I decided to eat salad.


Anyway, what is up with those plastic containers salads are served in? Every salad I buy lately gets progressively harder to open. Somehow, the container gets progressively tighter every time I try prying them open.

salad container
These fuckers.

I wish those stupid containers would just open up easily and give up those treasures they contain within. Just like, you know, your mom.

So I just sat there on my office desk and stupidly tried to open the salad. I had both hands on the container, trying very hard to tear the cover apart, but damn, it won’t budge. I mean, I know people lose some strength and stamina when they gain weight, but this is fucking ridiculous.

READ MORE:  Livestreamer Accidentally Sets Room on Fire, Disappoints Smokey the Bear


So I struggled for an hour and a half just trying to get the goddamn salad container open, but dammit, I was sweaty and panting like crazy. I went to the pantry and grabbed a fork so I can use it to either open the salad or to stab it to death if it still gets stupid on me.

So I tried a bunch of stuff to get it open, mainly:

  • Shake it with all my might while screaming. Well that was until I realized I was tossing salad.
  • Bribed the salad to open by holding a thousand-peso bill in front of it.
  • Screamed the fuck out, and threatened to kick the salad into a deep ditch if it doesn’t comply (of course, I really wouldn’t do that; I was hungry and… that was my lunch).
  • Stabbed it with a fork.
  • Rang its doorbell, put a burning pile of dog manure at its doorstep, and ran away giggling.
READ MORE:  I Wrote A Few Things...

After an hour of doing shit like that, I got tired, flipped off the now-battered salad container, and went off to the nearest McDonald’s. I was starving, so I grabbed a Double Quarter Pounder, ate it in under 30 seconds, and went back, full and contented and with my arteries probably clogging up some more.

Now I prepared to throw the salad away, I realized that it was just taped shut.



Enter your email below and get the latest posts straight to your inbox!

Hate spam? Me too. Not gonna send you any of those, I promise.