Noisy Noisy Man

Ruining The Internet Since 2005



Ade And The Salad: An Epic Battle Between Good And Evil



If you’ve been following my blog for the longest time you would know that I’ve been making one wrong decision after another, and today I decided to turn my life around. This epiphany that I had this morning is almost like waking up next to Emma Watson.

But, really. I woke up this morning, looked for Emma Watson, was slightly pissed off because she wasn’t there, and – BAM – epiphany. This is probably the most important decision I have ever made and I shall share it with all of you.

Today, I decided to eat salad.

What.

Anyway, what is up with those plastic containers salads are served in? Every salad I buy lately gets progressively harder to open. Somehow, the container gets progressively tighter every time I try prying them open.

salad container
These fuckers.

I wish those stupid containers would just open up easily and give up those treasures they contain within. Just like, you know, your mom.

So I just sat there on my office desk and stupidly tried to open the salad. I had both hands on the container, trying very hard to tear the cover apart, but damn, it won’t budge. I mean, I know people lose some strength and stamina when they gain weight, but this is fucking ridiculous.

DAMMIT

So I struggled for an hour and a half just trying to get the goddamn salad container open, but dammit, I was sweaty and panting like crazy. I went to the pantry and grabbed a fork so I can use it to either open the salad or to stab it to death if it still gets stupid on me.

So I tried a bunch of stuff to get it open, mainly:

  • Shake it with all my might while screaming. Well that was until I realized I was tossing salad.
  • Bribed the salad to open by holding a thousand-peso bill in front of it.
  • Screamed the fuck out, and threatened to kick the salad into a deep ditch if it doesn’t comply (of course, I really wouldn’t do that; I was hungry and… that was my lunch).
  • Stabbed it with a fork.
  • Rang its doorbell, put a burning pile of dog manure at its doorstep, and ran away giggling.

After an hour of doing shit like that, I got tired, flipped off the now-battered salad container, and went off to the nearest McDonald’s. I was starving, so I grabbed a Double Quarter Pounder, ate it in under 30 seconds, and went back, full and contented and with my arteries probably clogging up some more.

Now I prepared to throw the salad away, I realized that it was just taped shut.

… DAMMIT.

16 Comments

  1. Yowch! I guess salads and Ades just don't mix. :D

  2. The easiest way to eat salad is from the branches of the tress or directly from the shrubs. Try to mimic a Giraffe and extend your neck to each the twigs and stuff.

    I tried it once. I didn't like it. True story.

  3. The lettuce in a Big Mac is kind of like a mini-salad.

  4. I GUESS THATS WHY THEY INVENTED SALADS…
    SO YOU WOULD THINK YOU ARE EATIN HEALTHY..
    EVEN IF YOU ARE GORGING TONS OF CALORIES WITH THE DRESSING… =(

    BUT IT WAS A NICE ENDING THOUGH… YOU HAD YOUR BURGER!

    HI THERE! WUT U DOIN?! :)

    VISIT ME TODAY PLEASE!

  5. It’s a sign man. You are not meant for salad. Fate dictates it.

  6. those evil evil salads! tsk! i’m fortunate in that i’ve never met such a creature. *shivers*

  7. i don't know if i would envy you or what..but you know i don't have problems with salad containers..my GF usually makes one for me and i eat it on a bowl…

  8. "Now I prepared to throw the salad away, I realized that it was just taped shut."

    How tragic

  9. I think the Salad won this round. Better luck next time, Ade!

  10. sorry for the caps earlier…got carried away… had too much coffee LOLZ

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