If you’ve been following my blog for the longest time you would know that I’ve been making one wrong decision after another, and today I decided to turn my life around. This epiphany that I had this morning is almost like waking up next to Emma Watson.
But, really. I woke up this morning, looked for Emma Watson, was slightly pissed off because she wasn’t there, and – BAM – epiphany. This is probably the most important decision I have ever made and I shall share it with all of you.
Today, I decided to eat salad.
Anyway, what is up with those plastic containers salads are served in? Every salad I buy lately gets progressively harder to open. Somehow, the container gets progressively tighter every time I try prying them open.
I wish those stupid containers would just open up easily and give up those treasures they contain within. Just like, you know, your mom.
So I just sat there on my office desk and stupidly tried to open the salad. I had both hands on the container, trying very hard to tear the cover apart, but damn, it won’t budge. I mean, I know people lose some strength and stamina when they gain weight, but this is fucking ridiculous.
So I struggled for an hour and a half just trying to get the goddamn salad container open, but dammit, I was sweaty and panting like crazy. I went to the pantry and grabbed a fork so I can use it to either open the salad or to stab it to death if it still gets stupid on me.
So I tried a bunch of stuff to get it open, mainly:
- Shake it with all my might while screaming. Well that was until I realized I was tossing salad.
- Bribed the salad to open by holding a thousand-peso bill in front of it.
- Screamed the fuck out, and threatened to kick the salad into a deep ditch if it doesn’t comply (of course, I really wouldn’t do that; I was hungry and… that was my lunch).
- Stabbed it with a fork.
- Rang its doorbell, put a burning pile of dog manure at its doorstep, and ran away giggling.
After an hour of doing shit like that, I got tired, flipped off the now-battered salad container, and went off to the nearest McDonald’s. I was starving, so I grabbed a Double Quarter Pounder, ate it in under 30 seconds, and went back, full and contented and with my arteries probably clogging up some more.
Now I prepared to throw the salad away, I realized that it was just taped shut.