I woke up with a headache. I stood up from the ground, and I felt a bit dizzy. I have no idea what happened – I was drinking, and I had the brilliant idea to tie a bunch of fireworks to this contraption I made. Okay, so it was a broken-down photocopier with two dildos, a box of Pocky, my neighbor’s dog, and multicolored paperclips glued all over it.
As I walked around, I realized that I was no longer in my house. In fact, I recognized nothing. It’s like I was in the middle of some post-apocalyptic wasteland.
“Hello?” I shouted, trying to reach anybody. I know I put a lot of gunpowder in the toner cartridge of that copier, but the stupid thing blowing up the entire city? I don’t think so. Then I saw two men walking towards me rather apprehensively. I waved at them. They waved back. I ran to their direction, and when I was near they shouted my name.
“ADE! Are you Ade?” They screamed.
This worried me. Nobody outside of the internet has recognized me before. I learned that painful lesson a few weeks ago when I attempted to approach this hot girl in a bar. Believe me, “Hi, I’m Ade Magnaye, 2009 Philippine Blog Awards Best Humor Blog Finalist. Does that ring a bell? No? I’ll put my bird back in my pants, then. Sorry,” does not work as a great pick-up line.
“How did you know my name?” I screamed back.
“You’re that blogger! From the past!” they screamed back. At this point they were like three inches away from my left ear and it was beginning to hurt so I punched one guy in the face so that they could just shut the fuck up.
“Blogger from the… past?” I asked them, in a non-screaming manner. This was getting confusing.
“Yeah. You did write in your blog that you’d get confused when you were going to meet us. Welcome, Ade, this is the future!”
“Wait, wait,” I said, resisting the urge to scream into their ears. “What the hell are you talking about? I was drinking vodka and rigging a photocopier with gunpowder not more then fifteen minutes ago. How the hell can you say that this is the future? Where are the hoverboards?”
“Nobody got around to inventing the hoverboards,” they said. I just realized that these guys were speaking in unison, and it was creeping the hell out of me. “Everybody was too preoccupied with sex to invent hoverboards.”
“Too… preoccupied with… sex?” I scratched my head. “Is that what happened here?”
“Yes, yes, yes! You see, three years ago, in the year 2010, you and your blogger ilk campaigned for, and succeeded, in getting the Reproductive Health bill passed into law. It was a time of great rejoicing and a lot of high fives,” they said, again in creepy unison.
“So… how did the RH bill lead into this wasteland?”
“Don’t you see? The Church was warning us all along! You people never listened!”
“.. I really don’t see how a bill made to prevent teenage pregnancies and childbirth-related deaths can lead to the downfall of society.”
“The moment the RH bill was passed into law, a huge riot happened. As in the whole of Metro Manila just fucking lost it.”
“You mean, they rioted in opposition to the new law?”
“No, no, it was nothing of that sort. It was a SEX RIOT.”
“It was crazy. Husbands were divorcing their wives so they can partake in homosexual fornication. The abandoned wives bought out all of the available condoms in 7-11. Pregnant women went to the streets to have their babies aborted. People started abandoning their third children onwards, because the two-child policy – cleverly hidden in a clause written in 2pt Verdana below one of the footnotes – will punish parents with more than two kids. Severe punishment. Like Euthanasia. And… stuff.”
“What… how… that’s not what RH is about…”
“THAT’S WHAT THE U.S. GOVERNMENT MADE YOU THINK! Why do you think they supplied our Congress with money so the RH bill would be passed? They knew that we, sinful and morally misguided little people, would go and run off and make out with the nearest living thing the moment the shackles holding back our morality were removed. Society collapsed within weeks!”
“What the hell-”
“Don’t you see? Morality is dead! The sanctity of the family has been defiled! All because of the RH Bill! You liberal-minded people and your hippie sex-obsessed minds! We could have had the hoverboard by now if not for you sex-crazed morons!”
In the absence of the strict moral laws provided by the almighty Church, perversions had seeped into the very fabric of society. Society, meaning those two guys whom I was talking to. They started to walk towards me, with a creepy leer on their faces. They were chanting two words over and over.
I ran away from them, praying for my life. But they were too fast for me. As I felt a hand gripping my ankle, I fell over and hit my head on a rock, and everything blacked out and-
I woke up in my room, drenched in sweat. The room was a mess and I was probably bleeding to death because a fucking photocopier blew up in my face, but I was enlightened. I checked the calendar. It was 2010. There’s time to prevent that horrifying vision. From that moment on, I swore, I will fight the evil that is the RH Bill.