Last night found me outside my house, sitting in a lounge chair in my balcony, sipping margaritas with my harem of hot and willing women in bikinis, waiting for a single meteorite from the Leonid Meteor Shower to show up [“But Ade, you don’t have a balcony in real life, much less-” “Shut up, Journalistic Integrity, I’m trying to write something truthful here, damn you”]. You see, in my smog-riddled part of the metro, looking up will not only ensure bird poop landing straight in your eyes (what can I say, the birds here are assholes) but it gives you nothing.
Kinda like this
Which kinda sucked, because it took me some time to bring out this lounge chair and pay these women to stand in my
imaginary balcony. But sitting here will yield me nothing, except bird shit in my left eye. Maybe I need a pair of binoculars.
Now, running around town in the middle of the night wasn’t really the best thing to do. Aside from the fact that most stores are closed by this time (what kind of stupid business closes by midnight?!), the sight of a morbidly obese and sweaty man walking in his boxers and a stained t-shirt, talking to an imaginary bunch of girls, then going ballistic at the sight of the local grocery’s “Closed” sign kind of traumatized people.
“YOU GODDAMN ASSHOLES!” I screamed, as I kicked the door. “OPEN UP! OPEN UP I SAY!”
Three half-hearted kicks later, I was wheezing like crazy. Fucking locked door. It defeated me yet again. Again! I’m running out of time, you see. The Leonid Meteor Shower might come here any moment and I will miss it. Finally one of the girls I brought along with me spoke up. “Ade,” she gingerly asked, “is there something special about this meteor shower that it makes you go crazy and imagine up a bunch of women in bikinis like me? Is risking arrest worth it?”
“Of course it is!” I replied, eyes wild with crazy. Before she could say anything else, I hopped around on one foot while making locomotive noises.
She just looked at me, shocked, as I went “Chugachugachugachugachugachugachuga CHOO-CHOOOOO!”
“What… what are you doing?” she asked.
“I’M TRYING TO OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR! WHAT DOES IT FUCKING LOOK LIKE?”
“Ade, you’re just hopping around on one foot-”
“I KNOW! And it’s going to open this stupid door!” I giggled.
“Ade, I’m a figment of your imagination but I’m scared already. Also- WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED ADE? WHY THE FUCK ARE WE SUDDENLY INSIDE THE STORE? AND WHY ARE YOU WEARING CLOWN MAKE-UP?!”
“You unbeliever! I was doing the secret teleportation ritual practiced by many Wiccans for centuries!”
“Wiccans! You know, witches! Are you stupid, woman?”
“… and the clown make-up…?”
“I kind of messed up one of the incantations. But it’s all good, you see, because if I goofed another way you would’ve seen me not with clown makeup on my face, but with a crocodile attached to my peni-”
Suddenly, a loud ringing sound filled the air. I looked at the girl (let’s name her Cheverlou) with shock.
“You tripped the alarm, didn’t you?” I whispered. She shook her head. Then she gingerly pointed to my right foot. I was stepping on a big red button that said “STEP ON THIS TO TURN POLICE ALARM ON”
The next few scenes were kind of a blur. I do remember hearing police sirens, a broken window, a fat guy falling down a height of two storeys and then landing on a garbage dump, and somebody bawling like a baby as he painfully tried to remove the pieces of glass stuck up his butt. And I kind of passed out by this point.
When I came to, I realized that I was in a dumpster for some reason. The clouds have disappeared and I have a clear view of the sky. Then before I passed out again from massive blood loss, I saw it. I saw the meteors. The Leonid Meteor Shower.
It was fucking majestic.
Tell me about your Leonid Meteor Shower Experience!