Spammers Say the Darnest Things

You see, I can be a bit of a snark at times. But really, I’m a generally nice guy. Shut up or I’ll kick your ovaries so hard they’ll shoot out your nose. Now go make me a turkey sammich. Anyway, I just realized that I’ve been ignoring these spam comments for over a year now, and will you look at that, they’re just begging for attention. And since I am not a rude motherfucker, I decided to show some lovin’ and reply to those comments.

Also, I have absolutely nothing to write about and I really really need to update this blog because I told myself that I need to make a weekly post even though it makes no sense at all. What.

Anyway, I’ve amassed a huge collection of weird spam comments as of late, and no, it’s not the usual viagra or cialis or mortgage vendor. (For those sexual performance drug vendors, I’m waiting for your email back, dammit.)

I’m talking about stuffs stuff like these:

The Totally Clueless Spammer Posting Pointless Praise

I’m pretty sure you’ve encountered the “This is a great and useful site! I like your header image! Is it professionally done?” type of spam.

For context, here is the blog post he attempted to leave this comment in. Oh, wow, my blog is a quality site! Whaddaya know. I guess dick jokes and pictures like this are now considered valuable user content, huh? I guess more pictures of autofellatio are what this blog needs.

The Tragically Ironic Insensitive Comment

Last week, the entire nation mourned because we lost one of the greatest figures behind the 1986 People Power Revolution, Corazon Aquino. Heck, even I decided against posting anything funny and even cranked out a short and quick tribute for her.

However, on that very post, the spammers seemed to be having fun at the fact that Cory is gone.

Really guys.

The One Where I Apparently Helped A Kid Through College

I have a dream that one day, my blog will be used as a resource for a research paper or even thesis by a bunch of hot and willing female college students. And they’d get the highest possible grade. And they’d repay me by means of a hot animalistic orgy that’ll last a week. Also I better stop typing about that right now before it gets any creepier.

Awesome. An entry about a girl accidentally touching my crotchal area actually helped this kid finish his assignment! Hear that, ladies? You should come over and touch my bird more because it’ll help a lot of students.

Well, at least I’m not getting any of those creepy love spam messages. I mean, I’d totally freak out if I ever get-

… well. Fuck.