Reviews, Toys

Nokia E63 Review

My previous blog entry got a grand total of zero comments. Except maybe for that Nigerian dude who wanted to give me his riches for a small price (I’m wiring him my life savings as we speak) and that Japanese girl who wanted me to install this program so I can see her boobs. Right now, I’m kind of distracted because as I’m running the installer, all my anti virus programs are going haywire with all sorts of apocalyptic warnings of doom. I can’t concentrate on the boobs I’m about to see, dammit.

Anyway, yeah. Blog. No comments. Zilch. Nada. Hence, I spent five hours on the phone with Maro, complaining about people not caring at all about the impending Zombie Apocalypse.

After realizing that all he made are empathic grunts, I threatened to break into an animal shelter and look for the cutest kitten and step on it as he looked. It was by then he decided to speak up.

The following conversation ensued:

“Ade, that Zombie article sucked,” he sighed.


“Ade, you gotta listen to me. I have the 2009 Philippine Blog Awards Best Commentary Blog ™ and I get posts with zero comments all the time!”




I then send him this picture:

“Okay, okay, I’ll try to make up advice so you won’t step on that poor kitten! Maybe… maybe zombies aren’t really something people can relate to. The best time to blog about them would probably be during and after the Zombie apocalypse.”


“I dunno… tech or gadget reviews maybe? I hear people like those things.”

Hi guys. My name is Ade, and I’m here to do gadget reviews.

I spent a few hours bugging my friends to lend me their gadgets, but after that time the iPod I borrowed from Pau ended up in that dog’s asshole, nobody was willing to lend me their stuff even for a while. So looking at my stuff, I had two only things I can probably do a decent review of: my old Powerbook and my Nokia E63.

I guess I’ll do a review of my trusty Powerbook then:

Um… wait

So, what I have in my hands right now is my Nokia E63. The phone’s been getting rave reviews everywhere else, but I was wondering, does it really live up to the hype?

This phone’s been with me for a month, and I think four weeks would be more than enough time for me to asses the pros and cons of an eight month old phone model. So I’m rating the different aspects of the phone that I deem important to the everyday user.

Effectiveness against a zombie attack

The Nokia E63, even though it rocks a QWERTY keyboard, is a light and compact phone that fits perfectly in my pocket. For that reason I do not believe the E63 can be used against an onslaught of zombies. And because it is made of rubberized plastic, unlike the E71 which had a metal casing and a thinner profile, the E63 cannot be used as a shuriken substitute.

RATING: 🌟 (out of 5 stars)


As I mentioned earlier, the E63 is light and compact. But it doesn’t mean that it is the most portable smartphone yet. I find it appalling that a gadget that is meant to be taken everywhere does not have wheels. I don’t think I can use the E63 to travel dirt roads or to climb mountains, but come on, I can’t even use it for city travel for crying out loud. Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a cellphone with wheels on it. Phone manufacturers should look into this glaring oversight.

RATING: 🌟🌟 (out of 5 stars)

Sexual Performance

My E63 is black, but it’s very small. It’s very wide though.

RATING: 🌟 (out of 5 stars)


The Nokia E63 has been a disappointment for me, to be quite honest. I was expecting a phone that’ll teleport me to work when I wake up and will slide easily up that dog’s ass, but the E63 failed on both accounts. Heck, I can’t even use it as a shuriken.


Don’t buy it.


Well, my first tech review went well. Watch out, Technogra!


  1. Nice.

  2. WAHAHA.

    My red E63 conked out after 3 months, btw. Bleargh. But it’s super fun for microblogging on the go.

    I should’ve waited for the Samsung Omnia Pro instead, but goddammit, the need for a new phone was rather urgent.

    • Ade

      Wait… 3 months?! Wow. What happened? O_O

      • Yeah, I just woke up one day with the drat phone flashing this stupid message that I wouldn't be able to send any more text messages unless I quit all my other open applications. Thing is, there's more than enough memory in it to last me until next year for my text barrages (which I would happily subject my other outdated Nokia phones to without any problems), & I really don't have anything else open/running. I've cleared the cache, deleted cookies, restarted the stupid device like mad, to no avail. Fuckit, time to upgrade soft/firmware, whatev. BLEARGH. I'll still update it soon for GPS & shit.


  4. can it fire proton streams?

    • Ade

      If you plug it in via USB first, yeah.

      • The Powerbook you have is awesome. Effort wins.

        Also, your review really does make me not want to buy an E63. Good job, Ade. Nokia zombies are now h(a)unting you down as you read this.

  5. Jessica

    E63 is not cool… can’t kill zombies… really not cool. But if it could kill a certain university’s College Secretary for some reason… yeah, it would be very very cool, useful, and let’s say “heroic”. (Yey! we’re gonna have E63 as our hero!)

  6. If the phone is no use against zombies. I’d bet it would work wonders against mananaggals. Imagine jamming that big ass phone in her lower erm.. part. She won’t be able to transform back into human form and she’ll die when the sun rises.

    So highfive!

  7. No use against a zombie, huh? ‘Cause y’know that’s what I’m currently looking for in a phone. That and a rocket launcher.

  8. Toe

    What about microwaving function? Can it microwave? Can it brew coffee? Can it measure my weight? I. Don’t. Think. So. Grabe… I’m definitely not buying the E63. 🙂

    I like your Powerbook keyboard though. With that, I’ll never forget where the space key is again. 🙂

  9. I thought you were going to say what you were holding in your hand is your man parts. Glad to know you’re still not predictable. Heh.

    Also, would the E63 still work even after using it as an anal plug? The users want to know.

    • Ade

      The E63 worked perfectly after anal plug usage. It took a few days to get rid of the smell, but everything else was fine.

      • What did you use to get rid of the smell? Need to know because…um…err…for future references.

  10. HOCRAP that powerbook picture is total pwnage. Wahahaha! 😀 Is the keypad hard to familiarize with? Um, is it WiFi compatible? 🙂

    • Ade

      Okay, sorry for the earlier reply. Got mixed up, lol.

      Anyway, I got used to QWERTY in like an hour. And yes, the E63 has Wifi.

  11. Rezywezy

    HILARIOUS!! Makes me feel even better that I didn’t buy the E63, and opted for the E75 instead… tho the latter’s quite heavy for a girl :-S

    So are you going to the Plants vs. Zombies Flash Mob on Oct. 31???

    • lolz 😀
      nice review Ade
      would like to see some more posts like this one haha 😀

      • Well done! But can I still watch porn with that phone?

        • Okay, now that you’ve reviewed teh phone where you’re playing “Satisfaction” on, can somebody PLEASE help spread the word about teh zombie apocalypse!?!?!

          • Ade

            What sort of sorcery is this? How did you know I was listening to Satisfaction?!

        • Ade

          I’ll bluetooth that Sahsa Grey lesbian video next time we meet ok?

    • Ade

      OMGSH it’s the Rezywezy! Commenting on my blog! OMGSH!

      I hear the E75 is an awesome phone, and it was one of my choices too.

      Where is the PvZ flashmob going to happen?

  12. What is this “Technogra” you’re talking about? Also, are you sure about your review? 😆

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