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Dear Neighbor’s Stupid Dog,

How are you? I see you everyday, but you know, I’m usually busy with “hurrying to get to work” or “running away from your sharp fangs” to greet you. And during the times I’m not preoccupied escaping your jaws (which from this point onwards I shall call “Fangs of Rabid Doom”), you just sit in your stupid little corner eating your vomit, and all those other stuff only dogs do.

Anyway, I’m writing because I hate your guts. No, not in the general “I hate dogs with a passion” sense, but I really hate you. Yes, you Neighbor’s Stupid Dog. I am singling you out of all the dogs in the world to be the target of my scorn. In fact, of all the people I can write my open letters to (“the fat guy who thinks he can squeeze into the MRT space barely enough for a bulimic Tibetan monk”, “the girl with the big gazongas who likes to smoke downstairs whom my officemates creepily leer at”), I just had to write my first open letter of the year for YOU. (more…)

So the other day I got me a Last.fm account, mainly because I want to be cool and shit. Also, joining a 3-year old social network that everyone else is tired of is, well, how I roll. Shut up. Anyway, I wanted to prove to my friends how badass and awesome my musical taste is, so Last.fm would showcase my awesome indie playlist, full of Cloud Cult and other bands that you couldn’t even pronounce. Also some bands you haven’t heard of. (Because I made them up) Besides, a bassist like me should have a testimony of his coolness on the interwebs, somewhere. That could get me laid with an indie girl somewhere. And I could say I’m friends with John Lennon.

This picture was totally not modified in any way

I digress. (more…)

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Large Hadron Collider.

Guess what this weird-looking contraption is for? Well, aside from making jokes about it becoming the biggest bait for “large hard-on” jokes, it’s probably the most awesome thing ever. Before it kills us.

The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is the world’s largest and highest-energy particle accelerator complex, intended to collide opposing beams of protons charged with approximately 7 TeV of energy. Its main purpose is to explore the validity and limitations of the Standard Model, the current theoretical picture for particle physics. It is theorized that the collider will produce the Higgs boson, the observation of which could confirm the predictions and missing links in the Standard Model, and could explain how other elementary particles acquire properties such as mass.

Make any sense? No? Okay, to make things easier to my readers who don’t have a degree in quantum physics (I’m pretty sure there’s a couple out there), the Large Hadron Collider basically tries to make protons run in a very large oval. A fucking large oval. An oval with a 17-mile circumference, to be exact. (more…)

I swear, condom-buying is already as stressful as it is: you have to walk around the store pretending to be buying something totally unrelated, hence you have to pick up random shit like deodorants and paper clips and toenail clippers and toothpaste and merely pretend to stumble upon the condom by accident in case that hot girl you’ve been eying the moment you walked into the store has been looking at you and think that you’re a perv.

Then you have to lug around your totally unnecessary stuff which you will have to shell out a few hundred bucks for, and when the clerk scans your stuff and gets to the condom, she’d guffaw like crazy, point at you, and with her loud loud voice, announce to the entire shop that you just bought a condom, and unbelievable as it sounds because you look a little like John Candy with a creepy pedo-beard, you’re going to get laid. Finally. (more…)

It’s been quite a while since we heard from my Inner Child, haven’t we? I honestly don’t know what to do with this next Inner Child Therapy session since I haven’t been emo and shit lately. I know, I know, the reason you return to this blog is that you wanna read up on my failures and now that I don’t carry a shitful of emo around my blog is extremely pointless to read.

Just to prove my point, here’s my traffic lately:

See the downward slope? That’s you people, telling me that my blog is useless without me documenting my many failures in life.

You guys suck.

Anyway, here’s me and my Inner Child, going at each other’s throats as usual. I swear, If he wasn’t all imaginary and subconscious-y, I’d have beaten him up a long time ago.

INNER CHILD: Oh crap, don’t tell me you wanna talk to me again.
ME: Oh yes I do. You see, I totally need you this time.
INNER CHILD: You always need me. But where the fuck are you whenever I need help?
ME: Look, when did you ever ask me for-
INNER CHILD: That’s not the point. The thing is you’re never there when I need help because-
ME: Again: you have never asked me for help. Not once.
INNER CHILD: Again: that is not the fucking point.
ME: …
INNER CHILD: What?
ME: What the fuck is your point, then?
INNER CHILD: My point is that you whack off way too much at your extensive collection of Maria Ozawa videos.

ME: That just did not make any sense.
INNER CHILD: Of course it doesn’t. (more…)

If you’ve noticed, the frequency of my posts here have been declining in both frequency and quality. I swear I’ve been trying very hard to set aside some time to write something (remotely) substantial but it’s either I don’t have the time or my brain just won’t fucking cooperate.

Okay, maybe I haven’t reached rock bottom yet. Unlike this girl:

Heath Ledger was not the typical Joker that Jack Nicholson portrayed in his prime. Look at him..dirty, scary, smelly and gay?? listen carefully, he made Joker the biggest joke of all batman franchise especially when he wore the nurse outfit then walked out after exploding the hospital… the accent resounds as if it goes straight from Brokeback Mountain’s parody(although his voice changed when he was raised upside down as if someone else dubbed that part when he might be already dead in real life) to match Christian’s tight-lip speaking manner as if he wears false teeth if not only gums tantamount to having hare lip and speech defect.

Seriously.

But still, I think I’m going through the worst bout of writer’s block ever. I actually try to write something, but dammit, I can’t write. Not a single sentence that I can be proud of. (more…)

I totally hate the MRT. I really do. Okay, I appreciate the fact that it’s the quickest and cheapest way to go through EDSA. And if not for the MRT I’d probably be stuck in traffic every morning, cursing the high heavens for it. And probably commit homicide or something.

Fig 1: Mr. T. This is NOT the MRT

But sometimes, the MRT is just hellish.

Fig 2: The Seventh Circle of Hell

Anyway, once I got to the MRT today, it was absofuckingloutely jampacked (well, as always) that I had to squeeze in between a fat hairy guy and a pregnant woman. In between plucking the guy’s arm hair and playfully jabbing the pregnant woman’s stomach, I tried to stand in a way that actually feels remotely comfortable. By “remotely comfortable” I mean “the bodily contortion which is least painful and would not result in broken bones and an erection”. (more…)