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INNER CHILD: So, Ade, what are your New Year’s resolutions for 2010?
ME: I dunno kid, I’m not really into making resolutions.
INNER CHILD: WHAT? You suck. Don’t be a fucking fornicating shit-eating faggot and try to improve yourself for the new decade!
ME: … that has got to be the most obscene stream of words I’ve ever heard coming out of your mouth.
INNER CHILD: Even more obscene than “horse-fucking twat sucking clit fucker shitface?” Because that’s what I think whenever I hear your name.
ME: …
INNER CHILD: In case you haven’t figured it out, it’s because I think you’re a horse-fucking twat sucking clit fucker shitface.
ME: …
INNER CHILD: So, make a new year’s resolution already, you asshole. Try to make your life suck less this 2010. I know you got a new laptop and all you wanna do is to tweak the shit out of it and kill zombies with plants, but come on, you’re better than that. (more…)

I started this Holy Week thing with high hopes. This year, I hoped to start reflecting and doing some inner discovery stuff like that. I mean, after the major fail that was last year, I’d rather do something positive for myself for once. And by positive, I mean anyhing that gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside, not unlike wanking off. Except that I’ll try not to wank off.

I failed.

Don’t get me wrong. Also, don’t judge me. I tried really hard to be a good citizen last week, but really, the internet wouldn’t let me. Also, I’ve discovered a new way to shift the blame of whatever bad shit I do: I blame the internet. You should try it too. Saaya Irie pictures giving you weird tingly crotchal feelings about underage girls? Blame it on the web. Reading about the Manson family giving you the urge to do a similar killing spree? Internet. Strange urge to go limpwristed and to speak in swardspeak for the rest of your life? Interfuckingnet. Charush. (more…)

Hello there, dear reader. My name is Ade. And I run this blog. And I may or may not know you. You might be following my blog since time immemorial, or you may have just stumbled upon it from a couple of links here and there. Or maybe you’ve stumbled upon my site from Google.

Yes, Google. Now let’s talk. You see, dear reader who got to my site from Google, I’m getting really worried about you.

… ’sup?

 

You see, I’ve been getting a deluge of really weird search terms that are really bordering from “weird” to “just plain fucking disturbing”. No, seriously. I run a humor blog here, dear visitor. I know that somebody mistook my site as pr0n and tagged it accordingly on StumbleUpon, but trust me, I’m trying to make sure my site is as family-friendly and as G-rated as possible.

(Also, by “family-friendly”, I’m talking about these guys, but whatev. Family schmamily. Semantics. Also, by G-rated, I’m talking about the use of shit, piss, cunt, fuck, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits as often as possible, because, you know, kids need to start to learn these things early in life.) (more…)

If you’ve been reading my blog (I’m pretty sure you don’t. Ass.), you would probably figure out that this blog is a chronicle of my failures and embarrassments, and that I’m pretty sure I just lost all chances of getting a girlfriend or even future employment because of what I’ve been writing. Hence, I felt the need to not embarrass myself in real life and limit my (mis)adventures on the interwebs. This decision directly resulted in my not leaving home and just generally spend my life in front of my PC, downloading Maria Ozawa videos.

But I probably snapped by the 400th hour and gave up on this whole blogging hermit thing. So I decided to stop being such a social wallflower and decided to go to some blog events.

As promised, I did show up at iBlog 4, albeit late for like 6 hours. I did manage to catch the speeches of Noemi Dado and Ria Jose. I only managed to say a quick “Hi!” to Ria before she got whisked off by men in black suits and sunglasses for photos and autographs and shit like that (what an in-demand this Ria Jose is).

Isaw, we has it (photo by Maki)

I also saw Maki, Cai, Madz, Mica, BA, Tita Dine, Ting, Ozy, Kai, Uretz, Darwin, AJ, Juned, Luis, Jonel, among other bloggers. Ladies, sorry if I freaked you out and all. I promise to not eat five sitcks of isaw in under three seconds again. It was also nice seeing Liz again and knowing that she’s never changed, especially after she debated for like two hours straight with Ozy. Poor Ozy. He was such a nice kid.

And I noticed that a lot, and I do mean a LOT of i.PH bloggers are attending these events. Awesome right? (more…)

Mr. Ade Magnaye,

It has come to my attention that in the seven months since you became single, your financial, emotional, sexual, and physical well-being has been in a state of constant decline. Yes, I know, you have the urge to tear this letter apart this very moment, and I don’t blame you. In fact, you have every reason to tear this letter apart and jump from the roof of your garage and land facefirst onto the pavement. Again. Hey, it’s your life and I don’t care if you want to waste it by being depressed like fuck and hiding under a blanket and the 20+ pillows you keep in your bedroom.

But hey, hear me out for once, okay? You fucking need some straightening out. (more…)

I’d hit it. Twice! Thrice, even!
– Oscar Wilde on Maria Ozawa

Fig. 1: Maria Ozawa

Okay, not really.

In case you have been living under a rock for the past two years, Maria Ozawa is this wonderfully beautiful Japanese actress who starred in wholesome family-friendly films such as “Obscene Nymphomaniac 5″, “Let’s Do It At School”, and “Popular Fashion Model Maria Ozawa Nakadashi Raped for 20 Consecutive Times!”

Wholesome stuff indeed. In fact, when I get married and have a family, I’m gonna show that shit to the kids. Twice! (more…)