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You see, I can be a bit of a snark at times. But really, I’m a generally nice guy. Shut up or I’ll kick your ovaries so hard they’ll shoot out your nose. Now go make me a turkey sammich. Anyway, I just realized that I’ve been ignoring these spam comments for over a year now, and will you look at that, they’re just begging for attention. And since I am not a rude motherfucker, I decided to show some lovin’ and reply to those comments.

Also, I have absolutely nothing to write about and I really really need to update this blog because I told myself that I need to make a weekly post even though it makes no sense at all. What. (more…)

If all this hulabaloo we’re hearing on the internet and Wikipedia is true, then the world is about to end on December 21, 2012. No, seriously. It says so on the Mayan Calendar. In fact, if you check this site out, you’d get some really informative stuff like this:

Q – According to Mayan calculations, when (in our calendar) is the world due to end?

The end of the Mayan Great Cycle after the completion of the 12th Bak’tum. It’s either the 21st or 23rd December, 2012 depending on whether you use the 584,285 or 584,283 correlation coefficient.

So, that clearly states that The Long Jump Calendar predicts a great cataclysm and that- wait. I didn’t get it. Let’s try again:

Clearly, the Maya put a great deal of work into this cycle, and it appears that they were warning us that this cycle causes periodic, massive cataclysms. The more we find out about this cycle, the more we want to know when it will be. Then we know that we can stop going to work, put on a pair of shorts, sit out and relax in a lawn chair and wait for the end of time, quietly sipping a lemonade [or perhaps something a lot stronger.]

Holy shitballs! You mean the Mayans, through the power of math, have figured out that massive cataclysms will happen? I knew I should’ve paid attention to math back in high school. For all we know I could’ve been predicting the end of the world instead of writing dick jokes on the internet. (more…)

Dear Ade,

I’m sorry if it took me two years to reply to that last letter you sent me. Thanks for asking about Rudolph, though. He got out of his coma quite quickly. In fact, he’s having great progress with his therapist. He now cries himself to sleep only intermittently. And his tic isn’t all that noticeable anymore.

As for me and the elves, we’re buried up to the neck making cheap rip-offs of this season’s latest toy. For kids. Get it? I exist for KIDS. Not for overweight internet writers in their mid-20s who specialize in “The Art of Dick Jokes.” Be thankful I even got to read your email in the first place. Stop resending the damn thing. You do realize that you’ve been sending the same email in triplicate for the last two years, haven’t you?

Honestly though, I’m at a loss as to what to give for these damn kids. Back then it was “Santa gimme a Tickle-Me-Elmo” or “Santa gimme a pony” or “Santa I want the Immature Radioactive Kung-Fu Warthog special super-action edition” or “Santa gimme a rainbow unicorn.” (more…)