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So I was supposed to watch James Cameron’s comeback film, Avatar, last weekend. However, due to unforseen circumstances, I wasn’t able to make it to the last full show. I’m not supposed to tell you the details, but it involved a velociraptor and Jesus. I’d like to tell you more, but I promised the cops I won’t talk about that again. But the whole point is that I’m supposed to be writing a review about this film that I haven’t even seen, and I’m panicking the shit out. In an act of desperation, I open up a torrent website, and search for and download Avatar.

Now I don’t have a way to figure out if I did get the real thing. But then, the movie’s going to be about a bunch of half-naked blue men prancing around, saying stuff in gibberish, while being totally epic in the signature James Cameron way. If I see one blue guy in the film, then I’m pretty sure it’s Avatar, right? There can’t be too many films featuring blue guys. So I double-click the movie file, slouch in my chair for a few hours of cinematic bliss, and watch as blue-skinned CGI people wage war against- wait, what the fuck? (more…)

Before we go on to the review, I’m running this little contest. The details are at the very end of this blog entry. So read on!

I don’t know about you, but I’m a big TMNT fan. Well, not big enough to make me collect the comics and have Turtle-themed pillowcases to sleep on every night (that honor is reserved solely for Batman), but you get my drift. I did, however, wear TMNT sneakers (it’s green, with the soles pattered after their shells and it’s got a freaking pump!) and I ate that cereal that turned the milk green. Yes, I thought it was a good idea back then.

Anyway, what I really mean to say is I saw the much-awaited made-for-DVD movie, Turtles Forever. And I fucking loved it.

I have to warn you though: I’ll be putting in spoilers at this point. (more…)

My previous blog entry got a grand total of zero comments. Except maybe for that Nigerian dude who wanted to give me his riches for a small price (I’m wiring him my life savings as we speak) and that Japanese girl who wanted me to install this program so I can see her tits. Right now, I’m kind of distracted because as I’m running the installer, all my anti virus programs are going haywire with all sorts of apocalyptic warnings of doom. I can’t concentrate on the tits I’m about to see, dammit.

Tits

Anyway, yeah. Blog. No comments. Zilch. Nada. Hence, I spent like five hours on the phone with Marck complaining about people not caring at all about the impending Zombie Apocalypse. After realizing that all he made are empathic grunts, I threatened to break into an animal shelter and look for the cutest kitten and step on it as he looked. It was by then he decided to speak up. The following conversation ensued:

“Ade, that Zombie article sucked,” he sighed.

“NOT LISTENING I’M GOOGLING FOR THE NEAREST ANIMAL SHELTER NOW”

“Ade, you gotta listen to me. I have the 2009 Philippine Blog Awards Best Commentary Blog ™ and I get posts with zero comments all the time!”

“AHA FOUND ONE NOW I’M LOOKING UP THE ADDRESS IN GOOGLE MAPS”

“Ade-”

“GOING THERE TO PICK UP A KITTEN I’LL DROP BY YOUR HOUSE IN AN HOUR I’M WEARING STEEL TOE BOOTS” (more…)

Where do I start?

When I walked into the mall to watch Knowing, I saw a poster that had text written on 3/4 of it, vaguely trying to explain the movie’s plot. Wait. Why do you need to explain the movie’s plot on a poster with a paragraph? That was red flag #1.

Then, I saw this, in big letters: “From Summit, the makers of Twilight.” That does not bode well.

On paper, I thought it was an awesome concept: a bunch of numbers, buried in the ground via a time capsule, predicts various catastrophes. The numbers are so accurate that it tells you the the date, number of deaths, and exact location of the said catastrophes. (more…)

This is how I describe Watchmen: IT FUCKING ROCKED.

Because every poster needs to have somebody beating the shit out of a 67-year old guy.

Yes, amazingly, the guy who brought the fun, yet ultimately brainless film “300,” was able to bring the most important graphic novel (a.k.a. sequential art’s BIBLE) to the big screen. It’s not perfect, but this is the closest adaptation anybody could possibly come up with. And my boner is satisfied.

But before I go on with the rest of the review, please indulge me as I rant a bit about the R-13 with cuts rating that the movie got in the Philippines. So they left in the gratuitous violence, the nudity, and heck, they even left in Dr. Manhattan’s blue uncircumcised wang, but they had to cut out most of the sex scene? Seriously? So it’s ok that 13-year olds see lots of blood splattering and bones being broken and a guy being fried in boiling oil, but not the sex? Really?!
(more…)

When you ask me what my favorite movie is, I’d probably stay quiet for a while and give you some pretentious artsy shit like City of God, or even the incomprehensible Babel to impress you. And if you happen to possess a vagina, I’d probably even name Orson Welles and Akira Kurosawa as my favorite directors so I can get into your pants, even though my only experience with these directors was when I snored through Citizen Kane and when I wanked off at the rape scene in Rashomon. (Shut up. 1950’s Japanese rape scene is STILL a Japanese rape scene.)

Yeah, I name all those films I can even barely understand so I can pass off as an artsy dude who gets all the ladies who swoon at a film freak. So far, I managed to nail one: Joan, the girl who sells popcorn at the Cineplex in SM San Lazaro, and she technically doesn’t have a vajajay. Also, Joan may or may not be her real name. For all we know, it might be “Juan”, but I refuse to elaborate any further. (more…)

There’s this thing about raised expectations. I remember when I spent a year anticipating Spider-Man 3, following every single bit of news about it. My expectations were raised to an all-time high when watched it. Then I got Peter Parker dancing in the streets. Boo.

Which brings us to The Dark Knight. I’ve been so stoked by Batman Begins that I was looking for a sequel already the moment I saw it. So imagine me expecting a movie for three years. The goddamn expectations alone are giving me a nosebleed.

Basically, I was expecting too much of The Dark Knight that I was afraid that it was going to suck. (more…)