Personal, Stuff

What Will Ade Eat? Vol. 1

Apple & Cranberry Munch More Muesli

I was rummaging through the kitchen the other day for a quick snack when I saw this really weird bag sitting in one forgotten corner of a shelf. It’s called “Simply Cereal Apple & Cranberry Munch More Muesli”. As everyone who reads my blog knows, I am hopelessly out of shape and I welcome any sort of attempt to insert healthy eating in my life. So I grab the bag, even though it looks extremely dusty and nobody had attempted to eat its contents for the last couple of months, the grammar of the product name seems weird, and it suspiciously does not have an expiration date. I will eat this supposedly healthy, fiber-enriched cereal. I don’t think I’ll die of colon cancer anymore! YAY FIBER! Also, watch as a slimmer, fitter me emerges!

It actually looks quite edible, even delicious. I mean, it’s apple and cranberries. And it’s got real fresh fruit! And it looks like you have to scatter them on the ground and wait for a few months for harvest before you can eat them. However, I don’t like to put unfamiliar objects in my mouth without tasting a small bit of them first. Especially during that time I got drunk with Steel. So I decided to pour a few pieces in my hand and taste test this bitch, lest this cereal gives me that same strange look Steel gives me everytime we get drunk.


WTF GRAINS?!

I know that unprocessed cereal is healthier than processed cereal, but this is ridiculous. This actually reminds me of… horse food. WTF right? What do these guys do, package horse food and send it off to be eaten by humans? Oh well, since I’m a dumbass who likes to do stupid things on my blog so that people can laugh at me and call me a fattie, I hesitantly put the handful of horse food cereal to my mouth. And I chew, quite apprehensively.



This is me resisting the urge to die.

I have to admit, the taste wasn’t that bad. I mean, it had the distinct taste of apple and cranberries. No, actually, it tasted like grain. With bits of apple. Yeah. What a let down. I was hoping that I’d get an explosion of apple flavors and all that with a small guy in a leprechaun outfit singing “Apples!” in a baritone showing up out of a puff of green smoke and make me doubt my sanity. No, I get plain stupid grain. Feh.

Also, since we’re on the topic of chewing, you might be asking about the texture. What texture? I felt like I’m munching on a twig.

The texture was horrible I think it made more sense if I munched on wood shavings instead. See that small handful in the picture above? It took me five minutes to chew that mulch into a consistency good enough for me to be able to swallow it without spitting it out. Also, don’t get any ideas from that last sentence. Ass.

I decided to make the texture more bearable by pouring the whole horse food mixture into a bowl, and adding some milk into it so that hopefully, it’ll resemble something edible by humans afterwards.



Wrong.

Pouring milk into it didn’t make this look edible either. It only made the wheat grains look like wheat grains submerged into milk. With nuts. And raisins. Strangely, this mixture looks at right home inside the white porcelain bowl. I wonder why.

Okay, enough stalling. I shall eat this stale, possibly expired, twig-like cereal. Be back in ten. Hopefully.

***

***

Yay, I’m alive.

Okay, it wasn’t so bad. Seriously. It actually feels like I’m chewing on a twig. Dipped in milk. For all the times you dip a twig in milk and chew on it like you’re a wild animal, this is the ultimate twig-dipped-in-milk chewing experience. I suddenly realize that my parents spent a fortune in sending me off to the best schools money can buy so I could get an education, and this is where I end up: chewing horsefood for the heck of it. I am a sad, sad man.

Later on, I relay this experience to Noelle. It was very… enlightening.

Ade: the full name of the product is “Simply Cereal Apple & Cranberry Munch More Muesli”
Noelle: mmmmm
Noelle: muesli!
Noelle: I prefer them rolled out
Noelle: not whole
Noelle: you know horses eat cereal
Ade: i knoes
Noelle: anything grain-based is a cereal
Ade: lolz
Noelle: yah!
Ade: so this is really horse food?
Noelle: it could be, yeah!
Noelle: except it’s processed
Ade: no it’s not
Noelle: um ok
Noelle: how does it taste?
Ade: it’s got wheat grains in there
Ade: it’s actually quite sweet. it’s got dried apple and cranberry parts there
Ade: but the texture is horrible
Noelle: lol it IS horse feed
Noelle: maybe it’s got Mane-and-Tail like qualities too
Noelle: you’ll have glossy hair!
Noelle: you stud you!
Noelle: neigh!

I realize now that I have to stop eating this. I could see where this horsefood-eating thing will lead me:



A glimpse into the possible future

Okay. Horse food eating will stop NOW.

—–
What will Ade eat next? Leave a suggestion!


In case you’re wondering, this series was inspired by Steve, Don’t Eat It!

28 Comments

  1. Hey! hehe i stumbled upon your blog because Im about to eat munch more muesli for lunch and was kinda wondering how the hell im gonna eat it.. i've got non fat milk with me, haha im just wondering if i should heat it coz of the oatmeal. but oh well im gonna eat this just like i did last time. Haha munch munch like a horsey 🙂

    Vanessa's last blog post..Happy Father's Day!

  2. Green smoke? Leprechaun? I think you were wishing it were absinthe. Oh wait, that's the green fairy, not the leprechaun…hmmm

  3. [email protected] Noelle! :)) Muesli's good with oatmeal, too. But even with my fixation with cereal & milk & yogurt & Vitamins C & E & Sleepasil, I'm still out of shape, too LOL.

  4. Ade

    [quote comment="73712"]maybe you should start thinking of a new name, in case they'd want you running in the San Larazo tracks hehe[/quote]

    I knoes okay? Is Ade Mola taken already?

    [quote comment="73713"]COWBOY![/quote]

    I wonder how long Helga had LBM afterwards.

  5. [quote comment="73343"]Also, once, I was out of milk and I wanted cereal. I had my cereal with YAKULT![/quote]COWBOY!

  6. maybe you should start thinking of a new name, in case they'd want you running in the San Larazo tracks hehe

  7. Ade

    [quote comment="73419"]hey dude i know that you're trying ti loose weight. but dude horse food??? but thanks, at least you have warned us not to eat those Muesli stuff.

    just try eating lucky me pancit canto all day long.. i'm sure you'll feel a reduction on your weight… but i warned you that diet would make you blow up gas hahaha.. chow[/quote]

    I totally understand. Yes, I know it's hard to be coherent when you're high with crushed diatabs, but you're getting there.

    [quote comment="73532"]any news on the glossy hair? feeling anything yet?[/quote]

    I'm feeling a certain part of my body becoming horse-like, but I'm not telling what.

  8. any news on the glossy hair? feeling anything yet?

  9. roberta

    hey dude i know that you're trying ti loose weight. but dude horse food??? but thanks, at least you have warned us not to eat those Muesli stuff.

    just try eating lucky me pancit canto all day long.. i'm sure you'll feel a reduction on your weight… but i warned you that diet would make you blow up gas hahaha.. chow

  10. Also, once, I was out of milk and I wanted cereal. I had my cereal with YAKULT!

  11. MAN MEAT WITH MAN JUICE ON THE SIDE, YOU MEAN?

  12. Gegs

    Oh, so you're the one who's eating MY breakfast cereal! 😐

  13. Try eating chicharon poured with milk, I guess that tastes better than that cereal.

    Who cares with diet anyway, we only live once so eat everything… except those horse feeds.

  14. [quote comment="73090"]Ade, you might wanna try a raw egg. Mix it up with all sorts of weird "healthy stuff" in a blender. Heehee![/quote]

    YES YES! Blenderize egg, carrots, your old Shuffle, a blank cd, and shoelaces. Sprinkle with wood shavings for a touch of fiber. Leave some for me.

  15. Ade

    [quote comment="73190"]

    What to eat next? VEGE-MEAT![/quote]

    What about MAN-MEAT? No?

    [quote comment="73194"]Actually you eat muesli mixed into yogurt. :)[/quote]

    And you let me eat it dipped in milk first. 🙁

  16. Actually you eat muesli mixed into yogurt. 🙂

  17. I grew up eating rolled oats, muesli, and granola bars for breakfast. Good stuff. Also, vege-meat.

    What to eat next? VEGE-MEAT!

  18. hmm i guess most healthful food taste blah…

    thanks for the warning tho, I'm sticking to Kellogg's…and possibly Quaker oats…

  19. Ade

    [quote comment="73101"]Muesli = ewwwww. Hahaha, I've tried it before, straight from Switzerland, and I felt like some zoo animal being fed. Hahaha.[/quote]

    Strangely, I felt exactly the same way!

    [quote comment="73102"]Add those raw eggs to warm beer. Then add marshmallows![/quote]

    Dude, I want to eat gross food, not commit suicide. WTF?

    [quote comment="73136"]ive never eaten any muesli, but the stuff in your hand looks like yere sposed to cook it, like oats

    err, or are you sposed to eat it lifeless like that? lol[/quote]

    Now you tell me. 🙁

  20. ive never eaten any muesli, but the stuff in your hand looks like yere sposed to cook it, like oats

    err, or are you sposed to eat it lifeless like that? lol

  21. RJ

    Add those raw eggs to warm beer. Then add marshmallows!

  22. Muesli = ewwwww. Hahaha, I've tried it before, straight from Switzerland, and I felt like some zoo animal being fed. Hahaha.

  23. Ade

    [quote comment="73090"]Ade, you might wanna try a raw egg. As far as gross healthy food goes, the raw egg would be the worste for me. And mix it up with all sorts of weird "healthy stuff" in a blender. Heehee![/quote]

    NOTED!

  24. Ade, you might wanna try a raw egg. As far as gross healthy food goes, the raw egg would be the worste for me. And mix it up with all sorts of weird "healthy stuff" in a blender. Heehee!

  25. Ade

    [quote comment="73064"]on the bright side, you might end up being TOTOY MOLA![/quote]

    Oh YYYYEEEEEEEEEEAH!

    [quote comment="73074"]Add malt, bran and hay for some healthy goodness.

    Also, horse porn![/quote]

    Horse porn? You mean that time when we—

    [quote comment="73075"]Don't tell me you ate the whole thing in one go, did you?![/quote]

    I– ah– er— You're not supposed to?

  26. Don't tell me you ate the whole thing in one go, did you?!

  27. Add malt, bran and hay for some healthy goodness.

    Also, horse porn!

  28. on the bright side, you might end up being TOTOY MOLA!

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