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Things I’ve Learned From Steven Seagal

I went home to my grandparent’s farm in Laguna. However, I had an appointment the next day and had to leave early so I could prepare for it. What I didn’t anticipate is that leaving early would leave me stuck in traffic, turning the two-hour bus ride into a four-hour nightmare.

The bus I was riding had a television and DVD player installed, and as luck would have it, the driver had a collection of Steven Seagal films. We were treated to four hours of pure mind-blowing gratuitous acts of violence and pure mind-numbing silliness.

However, I must say that he is definitely the most underappreciated actor in the industry today. Aside from having the ability to kill armada after armada of fully-armed enemy soldiers with a butter knife and toast (and to do it without messing up his hair… how does he do it?!), Steven Segal is also a versatile actor. Besides “cold-blooded murderous rage”, he can also delicately display a wide range of emotions:


This is Steven when mad.


This is Steven when happy.


This is Steven when sad.


This is Steven scared.


This is Steven excited.


This is Steven crying.


This is Steven aroused and ready for some rough nookie.

If I had his acting ability I’d be making millions appearing in soap operas and product endorsements, instead of spending 90% of my day in front of the computer and getting fat.

But instead of sulking around because I’m not as awesome as him, I decided to take a second look at his films. There I learned the secrets of his awesomeness. He has imparted some life-changing lessons that we can use in situations that demand the best from us. The knowledge, I tell you, is practical.

Lesson # 1:
A band of rogue soldiers have taken over the train you are riding. From the train, they have taken over a U.S. spy satellite and are using it to blow up fertilizer factories in China. They are asking for a billion dollars, or they will blow up every fertilizer factory in the world. Their leader is a guy who looks like he was picked on by kindergarten bullies when he was in college. What do you do?!

For this situation, all you need is a butter knife and toast, and you can go on a killing spree. Don’t worry if your enemies went through years of training and combat to hone and sharpen their skills and killing instincts. They’re morons. You can actually have a gunfight with the whole group, do the Macarena in the middle of the crossfire, and you’ll still kill them all without getting shot. Yes, that’s what Steven Seagal would do.

Lesson # 2:
You are alone and enemy soldiers have cornered you. You have a pistol that has 8 bullets left, and you are facing 20 soldiers who are armed with heavy-duty machine guns. You are good as dead. What do you do?!

Steven Seagal won’t cry and suck his thumb in a situation like this. He’d get his pistol, which magically refills itself out of nowhere, to shoot the 20 bad guys. And he’ll have enough bullets left over to kill any bad guy hiding behind his back.

And yes, they’re all morons, so don’t you worry.

Lesson # 3:
You are facing a guy twice your size. He is faster, stronger, and superior to you in every single way possible. And he is possibly a ninja. He wants you to take him on to a fight, mano y mano. You need to take him down, or else you die (duh). What do you do?!

If you watch his Steven Segal’s films carefully, it actually doesn’t matter to him if the enemy’s stronger or not. He lets himself get banged-up at first to let the enemy get into a false sense of complacency. When the enemy starts to gloat and begins to launch into a monologue, he strikes. He punches, kicks, and does some other mind-blowing stuff to the enemy. He then grabs the patented Ninja Utility Belt™, gets the bananaque from inside, and kills the guy with it.

Why?

‘Coz the guy’s a friggin’ moron.

But after all the punching, shooting, and all other manly stuff, he doesn’t get messed up. Just look at him. Not a drop of blood, smudge of dirt, or a hair out of place on him! Forget Chuck Norris. Steven Seagal is teh awesome!

***

I hope to have enlightened you. Imparting Steven Seagal’s wisdom is a big help to mankind, especially in those situations where armed morons threaten to destroy all life on earth. I mean, isn’t that knowledge practical? You can use it everyday! In fact, I’m gonna use this newfound wisdom at work. I’ll be the CEO of our company in no time.

What else have you learned from Steven Seagal? What are you gonna use the knowledge for?

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38 Comments

  1. hahahahahahahahahahahha! That's the same expression of Steven Seagal when he died in Executive Decision… hahahhaha !

  2. [quote comment="10860"]but steven seagal well let me say he is…very talented[/quote]

    ROFLWTFHAHAHATCCICJAPANITALY

  3. Natawa ako dun ah. Bleh. hahaha.

  4. i don't think he'll ever win if he fights my idol . . . voltes 5

    laswer swordah!!

  5. ade

    [quote comment="10860"]to those who think that movies are real get a life, what you see in a movie is not real, the person the movie star is playing is not real so about steven seagal he is real, i'm not talking about any of the guys he plays in the movie cause then i would be calling them by their name in the movie, but steven seagal well let me say he is a very humble guy and very talented tell me this can you become a 7th degree black belt, make movies, well do anything he can do? maybe thats why you bust his balls, what would some people call you? thats right haters well love him or hate him he will always be better than you.[/quote]

    What? Huh?

    I can't understand you… your mouth is full of cock.

  6. to those who think that movies are real get a life, what you see in a movie is not real, the person the movie star is playing is not real so about steven seagal he is real, i'm not talking about any of the guys he plays in the movie cause then i would be calling them by their name in the movie, but steven seagal well let me say he is a very humble guy and very talented tell me this can you become a 7th degree black belt, make movies, well do anything he can do? maybe thats why you bust his balls, what would some people call you? thats right haters well love him or hate him he will always be better than you.

  7. i hope steven seagal gets to read this entry 🙂 hm i wonder what his comment would be hehe

  8. hahaha. nice pix. shows his versatility when it comes to acting. hahaha. by the way, been out of the loop for more than a month already. had a new domain also. i migrated the old entries from the old domain to the new one and it's still accessible, except for the pix. anyway, enough about me, onward to more steven seagal. i'll go ahead and puke now.

  9. he is my dad's idol before. because he's the only actor i think who uses aikido in his films

  10. ade

    [Comment ID #1015 Will Be Quoted Here]

    no! it's a wide range of emotions!!!

    [Comment ID #1059 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Well, he can sure show us guys how to impress girls… 😛

  11. I still prefer David Hasselhoff. :p

  12. steven seagal, chuck norris, gary busey, jean claude van damme (my favorite)– these are members of elite team of crime-fighting super action heroes that will make any woman's panties drop…. NOT!

    ahahahah! this is funny. for me, van damme is still the MAN.

    and btw, do you know that segal has an album? oh yeah! crime-fighter by day, balladeer at night.

  13. Steven Seawhat is so last generation. He doesn't belong to our generation of the young and fresh, not to mention we don't fight to those at the moron level.

  14. meh, im not a fan really so 😛 but glad u enjoyed it 🙂

  15. I agree with you Steven is the bomb! 🙂 He only has one expression…

  16. ade

    [Comment ID #1013 Will Be Quoted Here]

    I took greenstar, for lack of a better alternative. hehehehe. 😉

  17. whooooosh. but what bus did you take? was it my fave JAM transit or greenstar? hehehe.

  18. ade

    [Comment ID #953 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Yeah, almost. Shawarma has it's own survival manual.

    [Comment ID #980 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Correction: pictures.

  19. just a trivial comment. i got dizzy riding buses with tv on board…

    enjoy your summer!

  20. [Comment ID #984 Will Be Quoted Here]

    He's a Buddhist (like Richard Gere), and was declared a reincarnation of a lama. Note: not "llama."

  21. si chuck norris astig lang. si steven seagal astig na may halong swabe. hehehe

  22. tae din steven seagal ah. iisa emosyon. hehe. kapag sawa na siya sa mukha niya maglagay nalang siya ng maskara, ganun din naman iisa lang din emosyon. hehe.

  23. ie

    thank you ade for sharing us that very informative post. feel like i'm buddha already. ha ha. :]

    especially liked the chronicling of steven seagal's wide range of emotions. ha ha ha. :]

  24. LOL @ those face hahaha

    I love the layout ,,, just gorgeous! I love it!!!!! The colours look great (splendid ^^). =] Take care. xx

  25. grabeh, sobrang dami ng emotions na naeexpress ni steven seagal, haha.

  26. hey, ade have some respect for a hollywood relic! 😀 i saw him in oprah a few months ago, he is into aromatherapy and even has his own line of scents and aromatherapy ek-ek. hindi lang pang action..pang ek-ek pa! 😀

  27. rob

    I guess now's the time to watch my father's huge collection of Steven Seagal movies. I sure want to learn Steven Seagal’s wisdom which is "a big help to mankind, especially in those situations where armed morons threaten to destroy all life on earth."

  28. weird nga mga movies nya kahit sobrang madugo na ang bakbakan eh di man lang sya nabugbog o nasugatan. so unrealistic. kaya yon ang reason kaya naging underappreciated sya sa hollywood.

    in fairness kahit malaki na belly nya he can make moves pa rin. but yon nga lang half body na lang nya parating pinapakita sa kanya hahaha!

  29. *fangirl scream*

    Haha! xD I love the picture.

  30. wide range of emotions nga! grabe!!

  31. Haha, reminds me of my post about the elements you need to make a Pinoy action movie, legions upon upon legions of heavily-armed, weak-bodied morons that could be killed with the self-refilling handgun, a punch, a kick or just by tripping over. And of course, the action movie would not be complete without our ever-so-reliable and late police forces with their record-setting police car! hahahaha

  32. ric

    see, i knew that steven segal wouldn't be without the bananaque stick. it's just so handy!

  33. hahahaha, this is the best steven seagal fan entry i've seen so far. 😉

  34. Walang reaksyon si Steven Seagal bago pa maging uso ang Botox e.

  35. yen

    so avid fan ka na ni stevan seagal ngyn??? pero para ciang nkabotox noh, kc sa mmovies nia wala mga reakshon muka nia kesho galit o masaya.. hehe napansin ko lang..

  36. who the hell is steven seagal?! i thought he's already dead… :))

  37. Blasphemy! Steven Seagal better than Lord Chuck Norris?! I refuse to accept it!

    Well, he looks cute with that big belly of his though. Have you seen his most recent films (including the one with DMX)? Damn even he was unable to dodge the abdominal curse of manhood!

  38. Damn. Seagal is so teh manly he almost beats shawarma. Almost.

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