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The Noisy Noisy Man’s Guide to Urban Transportation: The Taxi… of Love

If you’re one of those who don’t have a car and are used to commuting in and around Metro Manila you might be familiar, and most probably apathetic already, to the different modes of transportation available: the jeepney, bus, FX, MRT, motorcycle, tricycle, pedicab, kalesa, diyaryo bote kariton, inflatable raft, and roller blades. All useful for navigating in and around the dangerous streets of the metro.

But then, they’re only as good as the streets go. You see, here in the Philippines, we only have two seasons: drought and typhoon. And as useful as those modes of transportation may be, nothing, I mean nothing, can survive the OMFGWTFBBQ MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME LOOK THAT KID IS DROWNING LOLZ FLOODS that we get here during typhoon season, thanks in no small part to our awesome sewage system that still probably has the bones of some Japanese soldier from World War II in there clogging it up. And the Yamashita gold too.

Basically, when it floods, your vehicles are TOAST.

typical day
Pedicab + Flood = PWNT

You need a vehicle that will help you navigate the streets of Manila and help you avoid the flooded, most traffic-logged and mugger infested streets, and it’ll also help you empty out your pockets in the shortest possible time.

You need:

Features… of Love

    • Taxi Meter calibrated to charge you an extra ten pesos more than the actual fare!
    • Upholstery smelling like fresh cigarette smoke! Rejuvenating!
    • Front left tire on the verge of breaking loose, making the car a candidate for an awesome fiery spectacular vehicular collison plus explosion along EDSA!
    • Overweight, semi-awake, possibly drunk driver who dozes off just when a ten wheeler truck loaded with softdrink bottles swerves dangerously five inches away from the car’s front bumper!
    • Seatbelts that only serve to strangle whoever attempts to put it on!
    • Five-year-old mutilated windshield wipers, ensuring zero visibility when driving in the middle of a thunderstorm!
    • Brakes that work half the time!
    • Airconditioning? What’s that?
    • Speedometers that only serve to remind the passenger that the taxi is already hurtling at 150 kilometers per hour in the middle of a busy highway!

Hailing a Taxi… of Love

Even though the Taxi… of Love can seat up to five passengers, the possibly drunk driver will refuse to be flagged by groups more than three. Because the smaller the group, the easier it is to beat them up and steal their money. But a driver NEVER refuses a couple about to check into a motel. Especially if the girl is hot, because the driver can discreetly take videos of the couple making out and he could sell them on the internets for a large sum of money!

Availability… of Love

The Taxi… of Love is available almost anywhere, anytime!

In fact, you can hail one:

  • When you don’t need a taxi
  • Exactly five minutes after you’ve missed your flight
  • When you agree to pay an extra fifty bucks on top of the calibrated fare
  • Ten meters from where you hailed the said taxi

However, you can imagine that there are limitations to the Taxi… of Love’s awesomeness. It is not available:

  • At taxi lanes
  • When you are in dire need of one
  • In the middle of a thunderstorm
  • When you are running late for work
  • When no other means of transportation are available

Awesomeness… of Love

Remember, you must not piss off the Taxi Driver… of Love, because if he gets into a road rage, you’ll be hanging on for dear life at 150 kph while the Taxi… of Love leaves this at its wake:


Car Crash… of Love

So remember boys and girls, don’t forget to ride your friendly neighborhood Taxi… of Love, and cut your lifespan by twenty years or more!

Do you have any traumatic experiences with taxis? Do you have any taxi stories to tell?

35 Comments

  1. Show-Ender

    This could pass on as an Uncylopedia article *winkwink*

  2. Beware of any RVillegas taxis from now on, somebody held up someone daw via that line. Taxi drivers charge 20php more, minimum pa yon.

  3. Wow, Ade. I can almost hear you talking to me, reading this post, complete with hand gestures and body language. BRB. I'm gonna scream now.

  4. Ade

    [quote comment="67004"]i hate those line "magkano ang dagdag mo boss?"[/quote]

    Me too. As if we agreed to give additional money in the first place.

    [quote comment="67025"]Uhm, I guess… if you put it that way. 😛 But no ordinary girl… a fangirl, honey. A FANGIRL! ^^[/quote]

    Is this supposed to make me feel better? Coz it doesn't. 🙁

    [quote comment="67180"]Taxi drivers are the ambassadors… of love[/quote]

    Oh yeas they are! They bring us into the Motels… of Love!

  5. Taxi drivers are the ambassadors… of love

  6. Uhm, I guess… if you put it that way. 😛 But no ordinary girl… a fangirl, honey. A FANGIRL! ^^

  7. dimaks

    i hate those line "magkano ang dagdag mo boss?"

  8. Taxi of love… winner, winner.

    Don't forget the fact that almost all of these taxis are always tuned to Love Radio. [kukurukuk-kuk!]

  9. During the tphoon Milenyo, our place only got a 6-hour long blackout and that's it. everything was back to normal the next day so I was shocked when I went to school and there was no classes.

  10. I think a fisherman's boat is preferable than a sidecar with half of it's body is under flood. It's okay if it's under water, but under flood. Eww… Imagine those trash, plastic cups etc. floating around. At worst case, it could even be poop! *vomits*

  11. Ade

    [quote comment="66734"]:P Nah. the way you write. Rather reminds me of my fangirl friends. The whole WTFOMGILUSM2U!! LOLERSKATES. XDXDD[/quote]

    Wait, did you just say I write like a girl?!

  12. 😛 Nah. the way you write. Rather reminds me of my fangirl friends. The whole WTFOMGILUSM2U!! LOLERSKATES. XDXDD

  13. Ian

    And they never have change! Ever! sob

  14. An extra 10? Heck, no. They demand more than that.

    And when they know you're in a hurry and there are no other taxis around, they'll charge you a fixed fare, which usually amounts to twice or thrice the actual. T___T

  15. Commuting sucks. Driving sucks even more. Bottom line is, Manila sucks. lol

    Well anyway, since I always drive (can't commnute, parents will kill me), I tend to get angry every day because of some sick wacko driver. After driving for 2 years, I'm sure I'm having signs of impending stroke and hypertension. I'm also better at aiming stuff too. I usually throw things at those damn taxi drivers who stop ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, with utter disregard for people behind them doing a hundred kph on the meter.

    Damn them. And they can't even pay for the damages!

  16. hanggat makakaiwas ako sa pagsakay sa taxi talagang ginagawa ko, katakot.

  17. "Overweight, semi-awake, possibly drunk driver who dozes off just when a ten wheeler truck loaded with softdrink bottles swerves dangerously five inches away from the car’s front bumper!"

    Ah yessss…. such a familiar memory. I feel lucky that I'm still alive to recall that memory.

    And the brakes? oh dear god the BRAKES!!!! it is frustrating!!!

    Argghh!! THE BRAKES…. of love! Damn ittt!

  18. Ade

    [quote comment="66263"]Maybe it's his energy drink or something.[/quote]

    Energy drink… of love?

  19. to Ade:

    "WTF?! Couldn’t he wait till he’s out of a moving vehicle?!"

    —Maybe it's his energy drink or something.

  20. Ade

    [quote comment="65813"]Nothing beats riding a taxi in which the driver drives so fast while downing his daily fare of "gin". I thought I'd never get home.[/quote]

    WTF?! Couldn't he wait till he's out of a moving vehicle?!

    [quote comment="65822"]LOLZ… of love.[/quote]

    Whore!

    [quote comment="65966"]I was an USTedyante. I feel you kid, I feel you re: the floods. I remember my classmates cutting classes to smoke for a few minutes at BK, never to return again as Dapitan has turned into a river… I can never take a cab going home from work though or I'd have to pay uhhh.. like.. my month's salary.

    ps: your writing sooo reminds me of my fangirl fellas from LJ. :P[/quote]

    Thanks!

    Wait… did you just call me a girl?

    [quote comment="66050"]hahahahaha

    I don't take taxis because I'm conyo like that.[/quote]

    But I thought taxis are the conyo thing. 🙁

  21. hahahahaha

    I don't take taxis because I'm conyo like that.

  22. ba

    How about the Feeling… of Love?

    Wait, I never felt than when i hailed a Taxi… of Love

  23. Well good for me, the main transpo going home is through tricycles that's why I don't have to worry unfortunate adventures with the taxi… of love.

    Aaah, how I love the province. 😀

  24. One time, I got into a taxi and the cabbie looked just like you!!!

  25. I was an USTedyante. I feel you kid, I feel you re: the floods. I remember my classmates cutting classes to smoke for a few minutes at BK, never to return again as Dapitan has turned into a river… I can never take a cab going home from work though or I'd have to pay uhhh.. like.. my month's salary.

    ps: your writing sooo reminds me of my fangirl fellas from LJ. 😛

  26. I remember this one taxi ride I took from Manila to QC when I met with Mong Palatino, Shari and Bikoy etc at Bang's Coffee shop. The dude was really overweight, hairy, looked like someone who'd been in too many eat-all-you-buffets and the worst of all, he scratches almost every part of his anatomy everytime we stop because of the traffic.

    OMFG! And what's even scarier was, everytime we do stop, he does not only scratches himself, he also rests an arm on my seat! Oh the trauma it was.

  27. I'm in a taxi (though not of love). And we drive along EDSA. We see a collision that is massive.

    Me: Putangina. Shiyet.

    Cabbie: (conyo) Oh my God.

  28. Hahaha! I don't believe I've ever ridden the Taxi…of Love! And Thank God I haven't

    so far all my taxi rides have been normal.

  29. i hate, hate taxis who tells you they can't drive to certain areas in the metro coz it's super traffic getting there unless you pay up an extra 50, or you agree to paying a 200 fare instead of the metered (around 80).

    yargh!

  30. Lol, looks like everyone here's suffered the short end of the stick. I've never had any terrible taxi experiences, maybe coz I only rode on them during the day?

  31. Sef

    Ha..ha..ha! You forgot to mention those really nice taxi love seats that turns your back itchy and swollen…

  32. Hehe..there's another thing: Taxis here in the Philippines choose their passengers..hehe though the features of love may be funny, they are true 😀

  33. Dude, if you're talking about taxi horror stories, I've got a lot. There's even that one time… at at at band camp when I encountered an RVILLEGAS CAB (at band camp) and the cab driver was an *******. He didn't turn the meter on and overcharged me. I called up the LTO and reported him. He did not appear on the hearing day (at band camp) Okay, that's just one story for now.

  34. LOLZ… of love.

  35. Nothing beats riding a taxi in which the driver drives so fast while downing his daily fare of "gin". I thought I'd never get home.

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