MOSCOW – Apparently, them Russians have had enough of their kids dressing weirdly. Fed up with their children’s black-dressing and bad hair ways, the Russian government is passing a law that will effectively ban emo hairstyles and emo dress styles in schools and government buildings.
A behind-the-scenes look at the legislative process.
The laws are being crafted to curb dangerous self-destructive activities associated with emo.
The Guardian describes emos as “12-16 year-olds with black and pink clothing, studded belts, painted fingernails, ear and eyebrow piercings, and black hair with fringes that ‘cover half the face’. Emo culture’s ‘negative ideology’ may encourage depression, social withdrawal and even suicide, the bill alleges – with young girls being particularly vulnerable.”
Of course, it goes without saying that Russian youths everywhere were enraged by this development. Russian emo youths have launched a massive series of rallies decrying the new policy. Aside from the rallies, the angry youths, as a final solution, have threatened to flood the internet with pictures of these kids.
I went to Russia the other day and I found one emo kid sobbing in a corner upon learning of the new law.
“This- this is fascism of the highest order!” the young man, whose name I shall not disclose (well, I can’t spell it; stupid Cyrillic alphabet), sobbed. “J- just because we have these awesome hairdos it doesn’t mean we engage in dangerous self-destructive behavior!” And as if on cue, he took out a black notebook from his checkered backpack, and instantly composed a poem.
After admiring his work for 30 minutes, the emo man burst into tears. Realizing we were in the middle of an interview, he sheepishly showed me another poem. Written in red ink.
EMO GUY: You like it? I wrote it in my own blood.
ADE: I… uh, what?
EMO GUY: I slashed my wrist to get the sweet red ink that I used for my poem.
ADE: Um, dude, that’s exactly why the government wants to crack down on your activities. It’s-
EMO GUY: NO IT’S NOT SELF-DESTRUCTIVE! HOW COULD IT BE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE! WHAT YOU SAID WAS SO HURTFUL I– I WANNA CRY!
EMO GUY: No, seriously, this is horrible. I don’t see why this law is necessary. Even if they get rid of the emo hair and clothing and piercings, if we want to slash their wrists, we will find a way.
ADE: Well, you can listen to glam rock instead?
EMO GUY: THAT’S IT! I’M SLASHING MY WRISTS AGAIN!
In other news, Twilight fans are currently making and barricading a makeshift fort in case the government decides to crack down on them as well.