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The Russian War on Emo

MOSCOW – Apparently, them Russians have had enough of their kids dressing weirdly. Fed up with their children’s black-dressing and bad hair ways, the Russian government is passing a law that will effectively ban emo hairstyles and emo dress styles in schools and government buildings.

no emo
A behind-the-scenes look at the legislative process.

The laws are being crafted to curb dangerous self-destructive activities associated with emo.

The Guardian describes emos as “12-16 year-olds with black and pink clothing, studded belts, painted fingernails, ear and eyebrow piercings, and black hair with fringes that ‘cover half the face’. Emo culture’s ‘negative ideology’ may encourage depression, social withdrawal and even suicide, the bill alleges – with young girls being particularly vulnerable.”

Of course, it goes without saying that Russian youths everywhere were enraged by this development. Russian emo youths have launched a massive series of rallies decrying the new policy. Aside from the rallies, the angry youths, as a final solution, have threatened to flood the internet with pictures of these kids.

LOL

I went to Russia the other day and I found one emo kid sobbing in a corner upon learning of the new law.

“This- this is fascism of the highest order!” the young man, whose name I shall not disclose (well, I can’t spell it; stupid Cyrillic alphabet), sobbed. “J- just because we have these awesome hairdos it doesn’t mean we engage in dangerous self-destructive behavior!” And as if on cue, he took out a black notebook from his checkered backpack, and instantly composed a poem.

After admiring his work for 30 minutes, the emo man burst into tears. Realizing we were in the middle of an interview, he sheepishly showed me another poem. Written in red ink.


HHAHJHAHAHJSHSJAHAJAHA

EMO GUY: You like it? I wrote it in my own blood.

ADE: I… uh, what?

EMO GUY: I slashed my wrist to get the sweet red ink that I used for my poem.

ADE: Um, dude, that’s exactly why the government wants to crack down on your activities. It’s-

EMO GUY: NO IT’S NOT SELF-DESTRUCTIVE! HOW COULD IT BE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE! WHAT YOU SAID WAS SO HURTFUL I– I WANNA CRY!

ADE: …

EMO GUY: No, seriously, this is horrible. I don’t see why this law is necessary. Even if they get rid of the emo hair and clothing and piercings, if we want to slash their wrists, we will find a way.

ADE: Well, you can listen to glam rock instead?

EMO GUY: THAT’S IT! I’M SLASHING MY WRISTS AGAIN!

In other news, Twilight fans are currently making and barricading a makeshift fort in case the government decides to crack down on them as well.

Thanks, Marocharim!

27 Comments

  1. lala home

    i can never go 2 my sweet Russia………………………………………. nHETAILA FOREVER DICKSHITS!!!!!!!!

  2. Robin

    Is this law real? If so than I no longer respect Russia. I am what you may call 'emo'. I knew the United States (where I live) sucked but this is just pathetic!! >:(

  3. hahah pakyew!!!

  4. Perf

    I am loving this band. They make me feel better about our band…

    • Ade

      I know right. Faynal Kow Tow is stuck in my head still.

      • OMAFREAKINGFREAK WHERE DID YOU GET THAT EECKY PIC OF THOSE KIDS???

        • HNSB

          Yeah Ade where did you got this ( NAKAKATINDIG BALAHIBONG) Picture.

          Sometimes when I encounter an EMO, they smell … (hindi naligo!)

  5. ade, you did NOT just say that about twilight fans!

    i hate you. *starts to compose a poem using my own blood*

    • Ade

      You're a Twilight fan?

      (I promise, I won 't laugh at you [openly] if you are. Really.)

  6. If this bill does become law, other nations might follow suit and pass similar laws in their own countries.

    If this really, and I mean really, succeeds on a global scale, what will happen to your DTH columns dude?

  7. I think it's just a ploy by the Russian government to trick emo kids into killing themselves for real.

    • JC

      Actually, the bill is really to help educate their youth with proper apostrophe placing. "Were not a cult!" – says the slogan in the third pic.

      emo = bad grammar. It makes sense. Can you imagine their future?

      • Ade

        It's like you're implying that they're better off slashing their wrists to get it over with. =P

    • Ade

      *Insert obligatory Russian reversal joke here*

  8. Joseph Stalin likes this. What?

  9. "And as if on cue, he took out a black notebook from his checkered backpack, and instantly composed a poem."

    You know, for a moment there I thought you were gonna say, "And as if on cue, he took out a black notebook from his checkered backpack, and instantly wrote down the names of people he want murdered.

    • Ade

      I, for one, prefer Meath Note over Death Note.

    • Frisco Real Estate

      I have a 14 year old and I would not allow this type of dress. It is just plain weird. If they want to dress like this when their adults so be it, however if you live in my house no way.

      • ok this is whats wrong with people they think emo is horrible the clothes the hair the makeup the piercings its just a lifestyle people get over it!!

        • Blah

          This is bullshit. I don't believe this interview took place.You just made it up. And Cyrillic alphabet is not more stupid than Latin. You don't understand much just trying to make another stupid sensation. Russia builds now another totalitarian regime, emo are just a beginning. I still remember times when you were forbidden to put any make up at school and any normal haircut.

          • Ade

            Yeah, a blog with "funny website" plastered on the title would totally not make up interviews! OH COME ON DUDE THIS SITE IS A BASTION OF TRUTH AND JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY

          • emokiddntcarewhyusay

            ade what r u your just a plain guy emos can be who they are. emos cut their self because of people like u

          • Ade

            HAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHA

      • josie jones

        ya i am 14 i love being emo i don't cut myself, but emo is just something some people go threw.it will pass.he/she is depressed.

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