If you’re one of those who don’t have a car and are used to commuting in and around Metro Manila you might be familiar, and most probably apathetic already, to the different modes of transportation available: the jeepney, bus, FX, MRT, motorcycle, tricycle, pedicab, kalesa, diyaryo bote kariton, inflatable raft, and roller blades. All useful for navigating in and around the dangerous streets of the metro.

But then, they’re only as good as the streets go. You see, here in the Philippines, we only have two seasons: drought and typhoon. And as useful as those modes of transportation may be, nothing, I mean nothing, can survive the OMFGWTFBBQ MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME LOOK THAT KID IS DROWNING LOLZ FLOODS that we get here during typhoon season, thanks in no small part to our awesome sewage system that still probably has the bones of some Japanese soldier from World War II in there clogging it up. And the Yamashita gold too.

Basically, when it floods, your vehicles are TOAST.

typical day
Pedicab + Flood = PWNT

You need a vehicle that will help you navigate the streets of Manila and help you avoid the flooded, most traffic-logged and mugger infested streets, and it’ll also help you empty out your pockets in the shortest possible time.

You need:

Features… of Love

  • Taxi Meter calibrated to charge you an extra ten pesos more than the actual fare!
  • Upholstery smelling like fresh cigarette smoke! Rejuvenating!
  • Front left tire on the verge of breaking loose, making the car a candidate for an awesome fiery spectacular vehicular collison plus explosion along EDSA!
  • Overweight, semi-awake, possibly drunk driver who dozes off just when a ten wheeler truck loaded with softdrink bottles swerves dangerously five inches away from the car’s front bumper!
  • Seatbelts that only serve to strangle whoever attempts to put it on!
  • Five-year-old mutilated windshield wipers, ensuring zero visibility when driving in the middle of a thunderstorm!
  • Brakes that work half the time!
  • Airconditioning? What’s that?
  • Speedometers that only serve to remind the passenger that the taxi is already hurtling at 150 kilometers per hour in the middle of a busy highway!

Hailing a Taxi… of Love

Even though the Taxi… of Love can seat up to five passengers, the possibly drunk driver will refuse to be flagged by groups more than three. Because the smaller the group, the easier it is to beat them up and steal their money. But a driver NEVER refuses a couple about to check into a motel. Especially if the girl is hot, because the driver can discreetly take videos of the couple making out and he could sell them on the internets for a large sum of money!

Availability… of Love

The Taxi… of Love is available almost anywhere, anytime!

In fact, you can hail one:

  • When you don’t need a taxi
  • Exactly five minutes after you’ve missed your flight
  • When you agree to pay an extra fifty bucks on top of the calibrated fare
  • Ten meters from where you hailed the said taxi

However, you can imagine that there are limitations to the Taxi… of Love’s awesomeness. It is not available:

  • At taxi lanes
  • When you are in dire need of one
  • In the middle of a thunderstorm
  • When you are running late for work
  • When no other means of transportation are available

Awesomeness… of Love

Remember, you must not piss off the Taxi Driver… of Love, because if he gets into a road rage, you’ll be hanging on for dear life at 150 kph while the Taxi… of Love leaves this at its wake:

Car Crash… of Love

So remember boys and girls, don’t forget to ride your friendly neighborhood Taxi… of Love, and cut your lifespan by twenty years or more!

Do you have any traumatic experiences with taxis? Do you have any taxi stories to tell?

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