Personal, The Fat Chronicles

The Fat Chronicles

After that unsuccessful attempt to lose weight a few weeks back, I decided to give myself a break for a while. But contrary to what I put in the last entry, I haven’t given up on losing weight. In fact, I’ve been finding more ways to be thin, and that equals more failures. Sigh.

As I have been an average-sized (take note: I said average, not svelte) person a few months back, I believe I am qualified to ask this question: “What the hell happened?”

Maybe it’s the sleeping marathons. Or the endless bags of potato chips. With cream cheese. Or the utter lack of motivation to exercise. Or the urge to dress like SailorMoon. Either way, I have turned myself into one useless pile of fat.

So here I am, doing my best to lose weight once again. Read on and laugh at my pathetic attempts (and my subsequent failures) to lose weight.

***
Plan # 4:
Slimming Tea

So I’ve been warned by people not to take slimming teas. But I do want to lose weight, so I gave it a try.

My mom keeps a stack of slimming teas somewhere in the kitchen. I have no idea why she never touched it. Oh, yeah, she doesn’t need it. She’s not fat anyway. So I grabbed a teabag and dumped it into my cup of hot water. Ok. So I’ve heard that it will cause some really evil diarrhea, but I’m doing this so you guys can laugh at my misfortunes.


I’m gonna do this at home so that no one can PWN me. I’ve heard this story about one guy who drank two cups of slimming tea, and he had a bad case of the “aftermath”. In the office. However, his not-so-kind officemates rigged the toilet door so that it wouldn’t lock, and they PWNED him.

The tea is ready, and I’m ready to drink it. If I’m not back in a while, call poison control.

***

***

Now I know why my mom never touched it.

Ooompah. That was horrible. That was like drinking a cup of diesel, and the sugar I’ve added didn’t do a thing to improve the taste. Well, at least I didn’t suffer the indignity of being chased by a dog or something like that. Oh, wait… I… I’m…

Hafta go.

***

Plan #5:
Air Walker

Now I wonder why I wasted my time (and money) at the gym when all I needed was at home. My dad bought an airwalker a few years back, and it has been gathering dust ever since. Maybe it was time to get it out of the mothballs and give it a try.

I have to say, it was dusty. REALLY dusty. I had a coughing fit when opened the box, and I haven’t even touched it yet. It was disassembled, so I had to figure out how to connect Peg A to Hole A. After an hour, I managed to put the thing together. The base, I mean. I haven’t the foggiest idea how to get the whole thing on.

Ok, it’s not exactly what I imagined, but at least I’m getting some exercise! Putting this thing together does work up a sweat… but what happens when I figure out how to put it together? I won’t get any exercise anymore! Then I’ll be fat again!!!


Plan #6:
Weight-Loss Spa

I saw the answer to my prayers the other day: I saw this ad on the paper that says I could lose weight without working out. They’d just wrap this thing around me, heat me up, and I’ll lose weight fast. Naturally, I wanted to give it a try. It’s cool! Maybe I’d get a tan in the process:

So I packed my stuff, and I got ready. I went to the spa and waited for my turn. Around me were these fat and excited people. I grinned knowingly at them. We shared a secret: after we get out of the room, we’d be the slimmest people this side of town.

But just HOW do they do it? I couldn’t resist. Curiosity was getting to me, and I just had to sneak a peek:

After that horrendous sight, I immediately grabbed my stuff, mumbled a quick excuse to the receptionist, and sped away, vowing to never return to that place.


Do you have weight loss nightmares? Tell me your story!

39 Comments

  1. Shannen

    Grabe! I've tried KANKUNIS and BIOFIT tea and it makes you the greatest banyo queen ever! But honestly it makes your body slimmer.. And im still using it now for 4 years..

  2. nagkandaletseletse

    nakainom ako ng biguerlai slimming tea.ang epekto,nagmukang bakla ako. im a straight man.nainom ko yun dahil sabi ng kapatid kong babae na mataba,liliit daw tiyan ko dun.pano ko maibabalik yung dating katawan ko?

  3. kc

    you're blog is so funny……..

  4. atheena

    OMG! its a sacrefice for loosing weight, when you reach at the age og 30’s its so hard. you to eat more fruits, cereals, yung talagang walang lasang food na halos hindi mo na makain yun yung best for diets. & samahan mo ng exercise LOVE it! sweat to the max talaga.

  5. gwen

    gusto ko na ring pumayat tulad ng dati, i've tried biguerlai, grabe! 2 DAYS kang pabalik-balik ng banyo, urgh!

  6. yna

    hay nku i try biguerlai,fitrum and kankunis,, epektib nga cla pro dun kna ttra sa loob ng banyo!!!! i quit nlng kc istorbo un!!!

  7. yna

    it was vry difficult 4 me to lose weight! i try drinking fitrum,biguerlai,and kankunis,,yes those are effective but it was a total nightmare so i quit drinking those nasty tea.

    now i skip meals, i only eat lunch.. and i always use my jumping rope. it was fun and effective..

  8. looser

    try this:

    **eat 6x aday (small portions lang. this will help you increase your metabolism. if you skip meals regularly, your body will tend to store fat konwing that the next meal will be hours away)

    ** eat brown rice instead. it is a lot of fiber

    ** eat steamed or grilled, tasteless meats and veggies

    **fruits, fruits and fruits

    **lastly.. sacrifice.. it hard but you have to =)

  9. Ade

    [quote comment="42780"]yung fitrum ba effected..tsa xenical…tskamay nabasa me sa dyaryo yung biguerlai slimming tea ok kaya un[/quote]

    I seriously honestly don't know.

  10. hazel

    yung fitrum ba effected..tsa xenical…tskamay nabasa me sa dyaryo yung biguerlai slimming tea ok kaya un

  11. i eat like a pig.

    i dont eat vegetables.

    i sleep a lot.

    and im still oh so lean.

    never use xenical.

    i had a classmate who took it without reading the side effects. he didnt know that people who take it are prone to steatorrhea (in layman's terms, oily feces). Since it's oil, it oozes out without the person knowing. he had an accident. to top it all off, he was wearing a white uniform.

    the evil people in class took pictures before giving him a heads up. hehehehe

  12. ahm try the soup diet. it works! my tonsils were engorged fer 4 days and i couldnt swallow anythin solid. had soup for 4 days and i lost 12 lbs. after that i grewit all back. god i miss eating real food.

  13. run, baby run! join marathons, run around your subdivision or some big campus like UP or Ateneo.

    but you look cute on sailormoon costumes though. 😀

  14. ie

    at least you still have that hope. ha ha. goodluck, nevertheless, to your next set of adventures. may you find that one special thing that can remove your problem, safe and easy. :]

  15. ade

    [Comment ID #1489 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Don't ever try Bangkok Pills. They're laced with shabu.

  16. heya ade!

    tried almost everything except bangkok pills (what are those anyway? i was already in korea when it became a fad in the philippines, so i dont know what those pills are supposed to do…) the best thing to do is exercise, eat in moderation (6 small meals a day!) and adequate sleep. good luck!

  17. sometimes, when you try hard to lose weight, the more you fail. just like what usually happens to me. hehe ;p

  18. ito lang masasabi ko.

    SHET SANA HINDI GANYAN YUNG MANGYARI SA AKIN SA PATABA ENDEAVORS KO

    lol

  19. hahahahahahaha

    i did try the slimming pills before. grabe. good night sllep ka talaga sa banyo. after that nightmare di ko na tinuloy..

    Ballerina was effective for me though, the prob was.. hirap ako kumuha ng stocks ko.. kaya di na natuloy.

    at walang toilet nightmares ang ballerina, mura pa. ahehe dunno if it will work for you.. some of my frends told me di effective sa kanila.. yug iba naan effective.

    wag biguerlai.. godssake. toilet nightmare din yan, tapos inum ka dulcolax

    bwahahhaha

  20. [Comment ID #1395 Will Be Quoted Here]

    shit! (literally)

  21. eating a balanced & nutritious diet with enough exercise should help in your weight problems. btw, i read somewhere that drinking water helps in losing weight. i don't exactly know how but it does. it's what supermodel Giselle Bundchen recommends.

  22. yen

    mag exercise ka.. mag enroll ka sa gym.. yun lang ang pinaka effective sa lahat.. wg mo gutumin sarile mo kc the more na hndi ka papayat..

  23. ADE!!! 9rules submission is open since yesterday, submit your SITE, goddemmit!

  24. Starvation is the key to true happiness!!! 🙂

    I work out 4 to 5 times a week and I've been on a diet for almost a year now.

    Breakfast – Cereal

    Lunch – Tuna Salad Sandwich w/o mayo and Soya Milk

    Snack – Fruits

    Dinner – Tuna Salad Sandwich w/o mayo or Chicken breast and Soya Milk

    Did I tell you that you have to sleep? I don't get enough sleep, diet plus too much work out equals HOSPITALIZATION!!!

    No regrets coz' I almost have that Abercrombie Perfect Body…

  25. Here's Squid's foolproof plan for losing weight in just one month. Ready?

    Step 1: Quit your job.

    Step 2: Sell everything you have and give the money to charity.

    Step 3: Wait.

    I guarantee you, within a month you'll be so slim ghastly anorexic chicks would commit suicide in envy!

  26. hmm, i'm trying to lose weight!

    nothing's working for me too. hehe.

  27. eat chicharon bulaklak, penoy and isaw then wash them down with baileys irish cream. those will flush the most awful amount of crap in your systems. ENJOY!!

  28. Three easy steps in losing weight overnight.

    1. Chew two bags of biguerlai slimming tea. Wash them down with laxative.

    2. Bring pillows and blankets in the toilet. And some toilet paper.

    3. Have a goodnight sleep. If you can!

  29. You want to lose weight. I want to gain weight. Lol. 🙂

  30. You can't say we didn't warn you about the slimming teas. :p

  31. Jee

    I'll show you your plan #7.. give me all your money, than you got no $ to buy food, and no food = lose weight.. with the condition that you can manage to stay alive.

  32. well thankfully my problem has always been how to gain that weight… so now im wondering why i'm commenting anyway =) aliw lang ako sa mga images u've posted.. i always thought it's okay to have 'some' fats.. pero un nman last image, parang ikakamatay na nya un..

  33. try seaweed soaps…or better yet eat the green goo.

  34. I got fat because of my wife's cooking. Damn! I can never get enough of it and worse, I'm too lazy to exercise. Doesn't matter though, I'm in, for life.

  35. i want to get fat… that's my problem… no matter hoew i eat, i eat 5 times a day, im still too thin… argh

  36. ade

    [Comment ID #1385 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Really? Oh noes!!! That's why I'm… ah… er…

    [Comment ID #1386 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Eat LOADS. And sleep afterwards.

  37. I wish I have weight problems like yours. Well, come to think of it, I DO have weight problems. How to gain weight. Haha.

    Any tips on how to slow down my damn metabolism?

  38. i thought the tea was supposed to be applied externally.

  39. Uhmmm… no weight loss nightmares, weight gain ones! The culprit of my fit-okay-skinny body I think is my non-interest in eating. Why don't you try that?!? No need for before and afters, I'm a living example. Haha

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