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The Clueless Wonders of the Blogosphere: The Clueless Spammer

This entry will offend all you blogwhores out there. That’s why you must read this. Also, you can read part one here.

Lately my blog has been experiencing a deluge of spam messages that are, well, pissing me off. And it’s not one of those spam messages that contain links to a Viagra vendor’s website or something like that. I have software installed on my blog that can handle automated spam, and it’s working just fine. What I’m talking about here is the human spammer.

I’m thankful that this product of my retardness I call my blog actually warrants a visit from people who actually bother to read my blog, post comments on my entries, and leave messages on my Shoutbox. However, I have two particular spammers that have been annoying the hell out of me for the last month or so. I mean, they don’t even bother posting something relevant on my Shoutbox, much less read my posts. I have nothing against shameless self-promotion (heck, I do it once in a while whenever I have the time and/or my traffic’s down), but when you post irrelevant comments on various blogs thrice a week, at least EFFIN’ BOTHER TO READ THE BLOG YOU’RE TAGGING AND POST SOMETHING RELEVANT AT LEAST ONCE, DAMMIT!

***

Clueless Spammer # 1: The Blackhat SEO Business-type Dude

This guy kept on posting stuff like “The Great [insert name of southern Philippine island] Business Directory” on my Shoutbox. It would actually be alright with me for him to do that if he had only asked me to put him on my links page. I’d even gladly help him promote his business directory, as business directories are hard to establish. Since he didn’t even bother contacting me, it was painfully obvious that this guy visits blogs at random and blitzes Shoutboxes without reading a damn thing.

Remember, I have a “Contact Me” page if you ever need my help (or if you want to send me some money).

However, instead of going down that route, this guy actually blitzes my Shoutbox with different variations of advertising catchphrases. What do you want me to do, use my advertising background to help you find the most marketable catchphrase?

If that wasn’t enough to piss me off, I actually visited the site and found it okay. Until I saw the hidden keywords below the header, in the smallest font ever, and had the same color in the background. Dude, didn’t your mom ever tell you that invisible keywords are blackhat?

Also, a quick glance at my “About Me” page would actually tell you that I’m not from that island. And a quick Google search will reveal that I don’t have any web traffic worthy of stealing any bandwidth and pagerank from. So advertising on my blog actually sounds dumb.

I actually got so pissed off by this guy that whenever he tags me, I change the URL to Goatse (NSFW) right away.

Clueless Spammer # 2: I’m a Gurl & I Love Quizzes

I actually brought the curse of this spammer upon myself (It was unintentional. Really.). I was browsing around and I saw this blog with a black background, totally long sidebar with blinkies and all that other girly-girl-you-go-girl crap, NEON GREEN AND PURPLE FONT (oh god don’t you just love those?!) and coding that just screams out “I learned HTML from MySpace. Yay me!”

In other words, it was a girly blog from hell.

I saw the latest entry on that blog and it said, in big bold PURPLE FONT:

National Emergency!
I just gained 10 pounds this morning!

And the rest of the blog contains posts wiritten in the same writing style, with each entry progressively becoming more intelligent.

Realizing that I have encountered a being with intelligence 200 times superior to Albert Einstein’s, I decided to leave a comment on that entry praising her wit and subtle social commentary:

OMGWTFBBQ! Ten pounds! Oh noes!

After that, I left her blog, hoping that she gets the sarcasm and start a flame war. Coz flame wars are teh w00t.

Unfortunately, when she found her way back to my blog, she actually asked for a link exchange. I don’t remember granting her that request, but somehow I’m on her blogroll. Ok. Thanks for the traffic, but you’ll never see me on that site again. My eyes can only take so much abuse.

But there is actually a dark side to getting linked to her blog: I ended up on her spam list. Now I get tags like “Visit my site!” or “I dropped by…” or “Take my quiz!” on a weekly basis. Awesome. I thought I was the only one with that problem, but I after saw her posting the same damn thing in ten other blogs or so, I realized that she must be a veteran Friendster/MySpace Whore as well, because only Friendster/MySpace Whores have the agility to post the same thing over and over again. You know, kinda like the dexterity needed to post the same “unique” testimonial to all of your 900+ friends over your 21 accounts.

***

Now don’t go on asking me why I don’t just delete my Shoutbox to get rid of my problem. Are you nuts? Imagine posting a lengthy discourse on some deep topic like metaphysics (like what I do all the time on this blog) and getting comments like “vIsIt mAh bLoG!” (or something intelligent like that) on the damn post itself.

Now if you got offended by this entry, all I’m saying is that if you can’t be bothered to read the blogs that you shamelessly plug to (at least read it once, for crying out loud), then your blog/site isn’t worth visiting at all.

Now if you’re still depressed because I PWNED you, don’t cry. Let me direct you to my Down The Highway series, where I give depressed people practical solutions to their problems.

Also, you can use my Contact Page to send me hate mail.

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23 Comments

  1. ashley

    LOL!

    this was an absolutely great entry. I totally agree with you. Some people really are quite sad…

    well thank you so much for the great blog, u made my day lol.

    *still laughing*

  2. Is it karma? 🙂 Well look on the bright side, you now have two new characters to toy with in your stories that involve ninjas, David Hasselhoff or the great Chuck Norris. hehehe

    Still, to hell with spammers.

  3. [Comment ID #2128 Will Be Quoted Here]

    My, you are baaaaaaaad! poor girl.. tsk.. but yeah.. guess we were all invaded.. like who would have thought she'll turn into a human spammer?? tsk.. tsk.. 🙁

  4. ie

    i thought you were rude with the second one. but noooo. i was utterly mistaken. ha ha. :]

  5. spank them na nga! hehe.

  6. Lol ade wuz pwnt by a n00b spastic fr3ak. tbh cut the poor spasmo some slack will ya ffs.

    *Omg I'm so 1337 today!!!!111one

  7. spam spam spam spam. isulongSPAMph!! ye!

  8. ade

    [Comment ID #2125 Will Be Quoted Here]

    OMGWTFBBQ!!! Not you too! Oh noes!!!11oneoneone

    [Comment ID #2126 Will Be Quoted Here]

    May pasta be with you.

    [Comment ID #2127 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Yeah, I also did those things when I was a n00b, but it was never that blatantly.

    [Comment ID #2128 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Whoa! major PWNAGE!!!111oneoneone

    [Comment ID #2129 Will Be Quoted Here]

    You made me snarky!!111

    [Comment ID #2133 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Somebody is smitten!!! w00t!

    [Comment ID #2135 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Oh noes! Not you too!!!

    [Comment ID #2144 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Unfortunately, it never occurred to me. 🙁

    [Comment ID #2145 Will Be Quoted Here]

    If I ever see you posting anything remotely like that on your blog (which I think is one of the rare intelligent blogs around), you're off of my blogroll. =P

  9. Funny but so so true.

    And if there's anything I hate it's this: Oh My GaWd, I sAw HiM tOdAy….!^^!~!!

    Hahaha.

  10. The girl is 200 times smarter than Einstein, you should have realized your sarcasm will be unnoticed! Oh noes! LOL. xD

  11. hmmmmm ade,

    why o why be bothered by them

    if you can simply put on your

    iggy mode…inhale…exhale…

    life is all about blogging.

    gari

    PS: Spammer #3 – what the hell is he/she's commenting about?

    hehehe

  12. go big daddy ade! i'm sure most male bloggers wouldn't mind having a spammer like that right Poldo? (sorry lady spammers, i'm already happily married) hehe. gaya ng sabi ni jong, baka secret admirer mo. 😀

  13. erm admirer mo yata.. hikhik

  14. Holy schmoly! Elle is the most Lurv! Spam me! Spam me!

    Again, just click on my name! I'll be waiting…*wink*

  15. Ade, I know this looks like spamming your comment but because of Talamasca over there, I found out more about your alleged shoutbox spammer.

    Photos here.

    You can just merge my comments if its an eyesore. Thanks. 😉

  16. [Comment ID #2128 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Ganda naman pala ng spammer mo, Ade. Payag ako i-spam niya blog ko basta padala siya nude pictures niya sa 'kin.

  17. you deserve it you retard. Joke lang! please visit my site please please please? pretty please with cherry on top? 😛

  18. Seriously me laddie, you can't blame those people who want a piece of your blog's popularity, not to mention your traffic. After all, bloggers who post the crappiest entries on their site are the ones who dig for most attention.

    Also, if you all have time, please visit mine. Just click on my name. Yes, NOW!

  19. Oh noes! Ade has become teh snark! What has the society done unto thee?

    Forget about removing your shoutbox. There will be no place for us to chat anymore if you do. Maybe you should call it Chatbox from now on.

  20. Clueless Spammer # 2: I’m a Gurl & I Love Quizzes

    I think I know who you're referrring to. Her name has an L, as in *cough* LOSER *cough* hint hint *cough* not that I’m mentioning names here *cough* ELLE *cough* and her stinking blog *cough* fishyfishbone *cough* . Oops sorry, I slipped!

    Don't cha worry Ade, you're not alone. My blog has been invaded by that biatch as well. What did I do? I built a wall around my site. The type of wall that losers like her can't even get into. At least… just for awhile.

  21. Hmmm…maybe they're noobs and have no idea about what they're doing, like I used to do those things when I was just starting out.

  22. woot ade… i told you no to treat people like that. bwahaha.

    to all link whores and clueless spammers, cheers! may the blessings of spaghetti monster be with us..

  23. OMGWTFBBQ! Two spammers! Oh noes!

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