Featured Post, Personal, Stuff

Taxi Ride

Hailing the cab

ME: I need to get to Ortigas. Fast.

DRIVER: Okay. We’ll take EDSA?

ME: Whichever way is faster is fine by me, but yes, EDSA sounds good.

DRIVER: Well then, EDSA it is. Brace yourself–


ME: HOLY FUCK DID YOU JUST GO FROM ZERO TO SIXTY IN FIVE SECONDS?!

DRIVER: Actually… zero to sixty-five. Big difference, you know.

ME: But– but– YOU DIDN’T EVEN GIVE ME TIME TO PUT MY SEATBELT ON!

DRIVER: Seatbelt? Those big straps by our seats? You mean people use those things? What do they do, protect you from injuries in case of a car crash?


ME: Actually, yes.

DRIVER: Pussy.

***

Five Minutes Later

DRIVER: Sir, you see that sweet old lady in the corner?

ME: Yeah, why?

DRIVER: Wanna see how close we can get without hitting her?

ME: What?

DRIVER: Okay, here we go! (stomps on accelerator)

ME: NO!


DRIVER: What? Sorry I can’t hear you over the roar of the engine!

ME: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

***

Ten Minutes Later

ME: Well, that didn’t go quite well.

DRIVER: Shut up.

ME: I mean, you just had to see if we could get two inches closer to that old lady. As if five inches away from her at 65kph wasn’t cutting it close already.

DRIVER: I said, shut up.

ME: It was awesome though, the way she bounced over the hood of your car. And did you see how she landed? Priceless.

DRIVER: Sir, if you don’t shut up, I’m gonna stop right now and hand you over to those cops that are on our tail.

***

Fifteen Minutes Later

ME: You just missed my office you moran!

DRIVER: I know okay? I’d love to drop you off right now. But you forgot the fact that a shitload of cops are chasing us. I can’t actually drop you off when our lives are in mortal danger.

ME: So what do we do now?

DRIVER: There’s a shotgun under your seat. Shoot the nearest cop down.

***

Twenty Minutes Later

ME: Did we lose ’em? Did we lose ’em?!

DRIVER: Stop badgering me about that sir, while I’m DRIVING AT 120 KPH AVOIDING ALL THE CARS ON THE ROAD!

ME: Did we lose ’em? Did we lose ’em?!

DRIVER: HOLY SHIT WE JUST NEARLY HIT THAT TRUCK SHUT UP AND STOP DISTRACTING ME!

ME: What does this button do?

DRIVER: What?! That’s the windshield wiper.

ME: What does this button do?

DRIVER: Huh? That’s the lighter. Stop bugging me.

ME: What does this do?!

DRIVER: Shut up!

ME: Okay, I’ll just pull this lever and see what happens.

DRIVER: Lever?

ME: Yeah? This big one between us?

DRIVER: HOLY FUCK NO DON’T THAT’S THE HANDBRAKE! NOOOOOOOO!

ME: What? Sorry I can’t hear you over the roar of the engine!

DRIVER: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

ME: Did you see how this taxi flipped? Oh look, we’re flying. Now we both know what happens if you abruptly stop at 180 kph.

DRIVER: NO! WE’RE GONNA CRASH!

ME: Really? I dunno bout you but I got my seatbelt on.

DRIVER: OH GOD NO I DON’T WANNA DIE PLEASE NO

ME: Pussy.

25 Comments

  1. So, were you late?

  2. idol ka talaga hahaha

  3. Ade

    [quote comment="72578"]WTF I don't get it.[/quote]

    Smoke weed first, THEN read again. You'll get it by then.

  4. WTF I don't get it.

  5. Ade

    [quote comment="72309"]THAT WAS MY GRANDMOTHER, THAT GODDAMN TAXI DRIVER![/quote]

    No wonder she was hot! In an old lady kind of way.

    [quote comment="72364"]I think taxi drivers have a girly crush on you, Ade.[/quote]

    Agreed. They probably giggle like high school girls when I disembark.

  6. I think taxi drivers have a girly crush on you, Ade.

  7. That would be funny. If only driving so fast in a Filipino city would be possible.

  8. [quote comment="71645"]Tell me you guys didn't run over any cats.[/quote]

    I ran over two cats in the span of 3 weeks. Both accidental. And no, I'm not going to put quotes on the word accidental.

  9. THAT WAS MY GRANDMOTHER, THAT GODDAMN TAXI DRIVER!

  10. whew! that t was the best thrill ride , better than any amusement park ride imaginable, and consequently worth every penny LOL!ROFL !! oil-boil-that-lametard-driver! Lol!

  11. [quote comment="72110"][quote comment="71645"]Tell me you guys didn't run over any cats.[/quote]

    I assure you, no cats were harmed in the making of this article.

    [/quote]

    What's up with Pau and cats?

  12. Ade

    [quote comment="71645"]Tell me you guys didn't run over any cats.[/quote]

    I assure you, no cats were harmed in the making of this article.

    [quote comment="71782"]Hahaha. Good one! You slay dude. Show Tal this link, have her make a short film out of it. :-p[/quote]

    Okay, where the hell is Tal anyway?

    [quote comment="71849"]you are unbelievably funny!

    [/quote]

    Thanks!

    [quote comment="71864"]So, did you arrive at the office or what? :P[/quote]

    Yes. After a month in intensive care.

    [quote comment="71978"]LOL. Ade this is hilarious, did u really hit the lola?[/quote]

    I deny nor confirm anything!!!111 GAAAAH!

  13. LOL. Ade this is hilarious, did u really hit the lola?

  14. Toe

    You really crack me up! I wouldn't be surprised if this really happened to you. Only a guy like you would manage to hail this psycho cab driver. 🙂

  15. You are always unlucky in picking taxis haha.

    When's the next Noisycast? I miss Gen.

  16. So, did you arrive at the office or what? 😛

  17. Paula

    you are unbelievably funny!

    i remembered that taxi driver from rush hour 3. lolz

  18. RJ

    I effing hate taxi drivers.

    *recently lost a cellphone in a taxi*

  19. Gen

    Hahaha. Good one! You slay dude. Show Tal this link, have her make a short film out of it. :-p

  20. Wait, is this a different taxi or the taxi…of love! ?

  21. Hahaha! You're really living up to your blog's name: A Daily Dose of Retard. Luv it! lol.

    DRIVER: Seatbelt? Those big straps by our seats? You mean people use those things? What do they do, protect you from injuries in case of a car crash? –> ayus! haha

  22. teh awesomes!

  23. Wen I groe up, I wanna bcome a taxi drivar!

  24. Pau

    Tell me you guys didn't run over any cats.

  25. Twenty Five Minutes Later

    ME: Hehe*coughs out blood*he.

    DRIVER: Shut ughhhh[DEATH]

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