Do you find that your facial hair is starting to spread past your face? Are your knuckles a few inches closer to the ground than normal? Do you feel like you’re spending more and more time climbing trees and throwing feces at your friends?
Well these are the classic signs of what is known as De-Evolving. Don’t be afraid, a lot of people have gone through this phenomenon, and they are now settling fine in their respective zoos.
Hopefully, this guide which we have devised can make the transition from being a
Homo Sexual Homo Sapien to Missing Link an easy and enjoyable one for you.
Identifying The Signs
Now, the first thing to do is to make sure you are indeed de-evolving. In the early days, diagnosing this condition was easy as pie. All you have to do is ask your friends one simple question:
“Hey, am I dumb?”
If the answer is yes, then you are either de-evolving or Chris Crocker.
Now, because of techno music, habit forming drugs, and Dan Brown books; it’s gotten hard to tell if people are de-evolving or are just plain dumb. But thanks to our research and a recent encounter with a de-evolvee, we’ve come up with a list of signs by which you can tell if you are climbing down the evolution ladder.
Loss of Common Knowledge
This is a very tricky thing to test for. First of all, it really depends on how much common knowledge you currently have. So for the sake of SCIENCE, we’ll work with what we like to call the Carrot Top unit of measure.
For example, ability to recite the whole alphabet is equivalent to 1 Carrot Top:
Ability to find your way back home is 2 Carrot Tops:
Ability to pee while not missing the bowl entirely is 1/2 Carrot Top:
And so on and so forth.
And not being able to come up with an original thought warrants the special rating of Carrot Top with Pie in Face (CTWPIF):
Now, if your Carrot Top rating goes way below half of a Carrot Top, or even the dreaded CTWPIF, then you better have your mail forwarded to the nearest zoo because that’s where you’ll be staying from now on.
Normally, people who can walk a straight line without bumping into things don’t have to worry about their Carrot Top levels. However, if somebody asks you “Hey, when’s your birthday?” and you suddenly answer “Orange!” then feel free to contact any of us to get your official Carrot Top rating.
So your Carrot Top rating is dangerously low. What do you do? Your first impulse would be to create a blog and fill it up with content stolen from other blogs. But trust us, this is not the way to go.
Yes, we understand that you want to make others think that not only you can write a coherent sentence, but are able to come up with mildly entertaining blog entries, it would be better to refrain. Because you’re not fooling anybody. Also, plagiarizing is not the solution to de-evolving or “being a fat fattie” as it is known in the streets.
But if you do insist on creating a blog, don’t use a profile picture that hides most of your face with your elbow which rests on one of the ugliest canes on the internet.
Not only does it tell people how ugly your elbow is, but it also tells us that have a Mao Tse Tung-shaped growth coming out of your right shoulder. And nobody gets any respect from that. Even if your Mao Tse Tung growth can talk.
Sadly, the de-evolving process is irreversible. Once you’ve been diagnosed, there is no going back. Best thing to do is make peace with your fate, pack up on several dozen combs, and just don’t copy anybody’s work and pass it off as your own.
Look on the bright side, you’ll be eating healthier, you will get plenty of exercise swinging from tree branches, and best of all, you will lose all inhibitions about whacking off in public.
Note: Inspired by Jonathan Coulton’s awesome song: