Movies, Reviews

Review: The Machine Girl

When you ask me what my favorite movie is, I’d probably stay quiet for a while and give you some pretentious artsy shit like City of God, or even the incomprehensible Babel to impress you. And if you happen to possess a vagina, I’d probably even name Orson Welles and Akira Kurosawa as my favorite directors so I can get into your pants, even though my only experience with these directors was when I snored through Citizen Kane and when I wanked off at the rape scene in Rashomon. (Shut up. 1950’s Japanese rape scene is STILL a Japanese rape scene.)

Yeah, I name all those films I can even barely understand so I can pass off as an artsy dude who gets all the ladies who swoon at a film freak. So far, I managed to nail one: Joan, the girl who sells popcorn at the Cineplex in SM San Lazaro, and she technically doesn’t have a vajajay. Also, Joan may or may not be her real name. For all we know, it might be “Juan”, but I refuse to elaborate any further.

But yeah, it’s all going to change because one movie significantly rocked my face and now I hate all things artsy and I shall declare my love for B Movies.

The_Machine_Girl-886228447-large

Especially B Movies starring a rather hot one-armed Japanese girl with a machine gun appendage.

I first heard about The Machine Girl from Baddie, who is one of the few people whose taste in movies I respect. And if you check IMDB, the plot actually goes something like this:

The life of a young, Japanese schoolgirl is destroyed when her family is killed by a Ninja-Yakuza family. Her hand cut off, she replaces it with various machines-of-death, and seeks revenge.

The synopsis doesn’t really give the movie any justice. Just watch the trailer:

I’ll give you a few minutes to pick up your face from the floor. You done? Okay. If you don’t say that this movie isn’t made out of several shades of awesome, you must be retarded.

What about the plot? That too is dripping with awesome. Girl’s brother gets killed by a gang of high school bullies. Apparently, the head of the gang belongs to a ninja Yakuza family. Girl tries revenge, gets her arm fried into a tempura, and eventually gets cut off in the process. So she gets herself a machine gun arm and tries again, against some deranged ninja girl with a drill bra and her husband wielding a flying guillotine.

I dunno about you, but this movie actually had me at “tempura”.

It’s got blood, flying limbs and heads, disembodied finger sushi, a lesbian subcontext, and of course, like anything that comes out of Japan, lots and lots of screaming. However, unlike most things that come out of Japan, it doesn’t feature enough upskirts. And no tentacles. And there is a glaring lack of Maria Ozawa in the movie. That kind of transgression cannot be overlooked.

In fact, the lack of Maria Ozawa, upskirts and tentacle rape is what’s keeping me from giving this movie a perfect 5.

I’m going to have to give it 4 Japanese… things.

So yeah, go ahead and watch The Machine Girl and have your face rocked off!

Have you seen it? What do you think? What other awesome films do you like?

16 Comments

  1. graham

    there's a follow up movie called the Hajirai Machine Girl (she's got 2 machine guns!), it's a blast!

  2. RJ

    I think I have a gravure vid of that gurl. TO THE INTERNET!

  3. Love Japanese Films! Have this one on the shelf and haven't watched it yet!

    trench's last blog post..“Bob Marley” A symbol of Peace

  4. CM

    LOL. You had me at Maria Ozawa.

    CM's last blog post..Friday Emoness

  5. hehehehhe…you got me curious, ade. i will look for that movie here. i need all the blood and gory in this world. *wink*

  6. i read about this movie in weirdasianews.com a while back… i wasn't that interested but that's probably because i don't have a penis lawl.

    i liked death proof… ummmm… is that awesome? i'm not so sure anymore. haha

    Donya Quixote's last blog post..BOY HITS PUBERTY!

  7. Yeah, I need to watch this film soon.

    As for awesome movies (and if by awesome you mean those with so much limbs-flying and so many body counts), try Battle Royale, and then Azumi. Kill Bill vol. 1 too, but you probably have already seen it.

    • Forgot to add a few more. Try Zatoichi – get the most recent one, which is the one with Takeshi Kitano (as there are a lot of Zatoichi films played by different actors). It's slower paced than the films I mentioned a while ago, but it is less B-movie like and has more drama. And I especially like the fight scenes: think of how Ukyo from Samurai Shodown fights and you'll have an idea how cool they are.

      The Returners is a rip-off of The Matrix, but with more ridiculous fight scenes. It's not perfect, but I like it a lot, and I thought the two lead characters had more chemistry than Neo and Trinity (that's not to say I hated The Matrix, though I loathed Keanu Reeves' stone-faced acting).

      From the same director (Ryuhei Kitamura) of Azumi is another film with equal amount of hack-and-slashing and gore. It is called Versus. I personally didn't like it, but a lot of people called it the movie that made Ryuhei Kitamura the "king of super-f-ing cool".

  8. I need a copy of that movie. I refuse to miss out on it's awesomeness.

    Kurosawa sure is artsy. But his movies are too much for my brain to comprehend. Brain-bleed.

    Najo's last blog post..Sisters are Love

  9. OMG LOL someone who I didnt go to college with knows Kurosawa. Dreams <33333333

    Helga's last blog post..LONG WEEK IS LONG AND IT’S ONLY TUESDAY!

  10. I can't recall the last time I watched a B movie. But now that you've blogged about it, I'd go see one.

    If my fucked up school schedule would allow me to.

    Sheesh!

    jhay's last blog post..Hands-on with Windows Live Writer

  11. I award this movie the Medal for Outstanding Awesomeness.

    • Ade

      We should totally have an awards dinner for that medal. And we should serve dismembered finger sushi.

  12. I'd give it four and a half Japanese… things for the lesbian innuendos with her hot chick mechanic who had a chainsaw for a foot!!

    I'd also vote them as the best chick tandem for a gore fest movie ever!!

  13. Bought a DVD copy of it and I still haven't had the chance to see it. Imma gonna make it a priority tomorrow. Looking forward to that drill bra scene. Definitely a must see. Wait, do I sound like a spam bot? Sheesh…

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