Featured Post, Personal

Pointers For The Guy Who Tried To Steal My Wallet In The MRT

Dear Pickpocket,

Your last attempt to steal my wallet was a dismal failure. I have never seen a pickpocket crash and burn so spectacularly in my life. How can you expect to feed your children with stolen money if your continue to work that way?

But don’t worry, unlike your other victims, I won’t laugh at your failure or kick you in the balls or report you to the cops even though the temptation was so much. In fact, I’m taking the high road, buddy. I’m going to show you where exactly you went wrong so you can successfully pick the pockets of other hapless MRT commuters in the future.

  • Blending in – If you plan to steal some guy’s hard-earned pay, you need to be discreet. Nobody would suspect somebody who just blends in the background. And honestly, dude, your getup needs a little work.Clearly, a guy who looks like a redneck would stick out like a sore thumb, because – I hate to break this to you – there aren’t too many rednecks here in our third world country, much less people who dress like one.

    So dude, piece of advice: if you plan on not getting suspected, ditch the beard, the stupid trucker cap that’s two sizes too small, and the beer belly. Also if you try to be less ugly, that’ll help a lot.

    Protip: ninja outfits are NOT good disguises.

    Protip: ninja outfits are NOT good disguises.

  • Physical contact – Pickpockets are supposed to be like ninjas in the mist. Of course you can’t be a ninja because, well, ninjas just kill by slicing your head off in 3.5 seconds, while you just… steal wallets. But still, I think you get my drift. You aren’t supposed to make any physical contact of any sort that’ll make your prey uncomfortable and make everyone on the train think that you’re into very public displays of affection. Like ninjas, you’re supposed to be swift, silent, and unnoticed.Now let’s see where you went wrong: you went in an almost-empty train, and then you go to the nearest guy (me) and basically you rub your beer belly against him. If I didn’t know any better I’d think you were going to dry hump me. (You know, it doesn’t hurt to ask. Also, please keep the fifty-peso payment ready.) You just lost any hope of subtlety to be able to continue on with your dastardly act.
  • If you get caught, um, stop? – Now this is where it gets stupid. Since I was afraid you’d pull out your dick on me any second now, I turn my back on you and move far, far away. Dude, it was an almost-empty train. With enough space. And enough witnesses who clearly saw what you were doing. You didn’t have to fricking follow me and mimic consensual bodily contact with my posterior.Instead of looking awesomely ninja-like, you just looked like some guy in an unfortunate redneck getup buggering a sweaty and overweight Dominic Ochoa lookalike.

    I felt your hands going in my back pocket. So I move another few feet away. Then I felt you move close again and put your hands in my back pockets again. I look at you. You stop and… whistle. Really? You fucking WHISTLE? Are you living in a Tom & Jerry cartoon or something?

    Then you go and put your hands in my back pockets AGAIN. I reach behind and SLAP your stupid hands. After a few seconds, you try again. I slap your hands again. Repeat ad nauseam. I know persistence is the key to success, buddy, but there’s a thin line between persistence and stupidity, and you just crossed it.

  • If you failed, move on to the next victim – I know you’ve already invested a lot of effort on me. But if you failed in getting my wallet because of your inability to be discreet, you know it’s time to move on to the next victim. You don’t block my way out of the train when I’ve already reached my station. What were you planning to do, keep me in the train until you successfully take my wallet out of my back pocket? Move on, man. You lost any hope of stealing my wallet. Also, you deserved that elbow in the ribs I gave you before I disembarked.
  • Make sure it was worth it – Let’s just say you were able to steal my wallet. You know how much money you were going to make? You’d be getting a moldy 20-peso bill, three month old bus tickets, two year old movie tickets to a screening of Brokeback Mountain, and five different kinds of lint.

So there. I think anybody’s arthritic grandmother can be a better pickpocket than you with the skills you’ve displayed. I hope this article helps you in improving your embarrassing pickpocketing skills. I don’t usually root for the lawbreaker, but you just failed on a level so miserable that I just had to step in and point out where you’re going wrong. Now have a nice life, and I sure hope you don’t look like an idiot next time.

By the way, I keep my wallet inside my bag, dumbass.


What about you guys? Any pickpocket stories? Tell me all about it!

39 Comments

  1. admit it. YOU LIKED IT.

    but seriously though. he’s already felt your back pockets, he SHOULD know that your wallet wasn’t in there. and since you look like Dominic Ochoa… then you just got sexually harassed, man.

  2. Jher Triñona

    Dominic Ochoa lookalike. You’re funny.

  3. Dominic Ochoa lookalike. You’re funny.

  4. Maybe he wasn’t a pickpocket. Maybe he’s a dick-pocket. 😉

  5. I'm pretty sure he was just copping a feel

  6. CM

    You want your friendly-neighborhood MRT pickpocket dude to be less ugly? A little picky, aren't we?

    • Ade

      Is it too much to ask that my tush be fondled by a Maria Ozawa lookalike? Is it?!

  7. RJ

    By 'wallet' you mean 'tush' amirite?

  8. Whatever, magnanakaw. You're such a LOSER.

    ———-

    Last Monday, on my way to you-know-where, I was so like a dog keeping my dreadful eye on a suspicious, baseball capped hunky guy who kept on standing right behind a classy-looking woman's pricey-looking bag . I mean, pwede naman siyang tumayo on a nearby space pero he was really persistent. I kept an eye on his hands (and his face), he kept an eye on me looking at what he's about to do. He failed. Miserably.

  9. Did it tickle?

  10. Buhahahaha. the 3rd grader who picked my wallet when I was a 6th grader gives him the big L on the forehead. True, one has to have mad skillz. But since karma is digital these days, bad people get what they deserve. And mind you, that little booger who picked my Snoopy wallet got an earful from the discipline officer.

  11. Cool, been looking all over for pointers like these! You know, to uh… not do them. Yeah that's it. 8D

    • Ade

      I knew my blog will come in handy one day for those who have "no plans" of breaking the law! I hope you "don't follow" my guidelines to the letter!

  12. He was reaching in your back pocket but your wallet is in your bag?

    Heh. maybe he really is just trying to feel your tush LOL

  13. I can't believe that this actually happened. But you have to give him credit for his persistence in reaching his goal! 🙂

    Funny! 🙂

  14. For the nth time, I'm still practicing ok? You don't have to shove it in my face you know?

  15. aaa

    I think he was after your nice ass. He wouldn't slip his hand again inside your back pocket if you already slapped his hand.

  16. You gotta give the guy extra points for effort, though.

  17. I know this really happened but I still have to ask… "IS THIS FOR REAL? O_o"

  18. Jeezuz that was hilarious. Man, is he stupid.

  19. You actually slapped his hand away and he tried again?!

    This is a true story right?!

    Hahahaha. Pickpocketer was made of fail.

  20. hahahaha!!!! awesome!!!

  21. I see this guy excelling to a Wile E Coyote type at best. Spending more money of ACME pickpocketing contraptions. Just to succeed. Just to goddamn succeed.

  22. thegreatest

    I'm not so sure he was after your wallet….

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