Dear Pickpocket,

Your last attempt to steal my wallet was a dismal failure. I have never seen a pickpocket crash and burn so spectacularly in my life. How can you expect to feed your children with stolen money if your continue to work that way?

But don’t worry, unlike your other victims, I won’t laugh at your failure or kick you in the balls or report you to the cops even though the temptation was so much. In fact, I’m taking the high road, buddy. I’m going to show you where exactly you went wrong so you can successfully pick the pockets of other hapless MRT commuters in the future.

  • Blending in – If you plan to steal some guy’s hard-earned pay, you need to be discreet. Nobody would suspect somebody who just blends in the background. And honestly, dude, your getup needs a little work.Clearly, a guy who looks like a redneck would stick out like a sore thumb, because – I hate to break this to you – there aren’t too many rednecks here in our third world country, much less people who dress like one.

    So dude, piece of advice: if you plan on not getting suspected, ditch the beard, the stupid trucker cap that’s two sizes too small, and the beer belly. Also if you try to be less ugly, that’ll help a lot.

    Protip: ninja outfits are NOT good disguises.

    Protip: ninja outfits are NOT good disguises.

  • Physical contact – Pickpockets are supposed to be like ninjas in the mist. Of course you can’t be a ninja because, well, ninjas just kill by slicing your head off in 3.5 seconds, while you just… steal wallets. But still, I think you get my drift. You aren’t supposed to make any physical contact of any sort that’ll make your prey uncomfortable and make everyone on the train think that you’re into very public displays of affection. Like ninjas, you’re supposed to be swift, silent, and unnoticed.Now let’s see where you went wrong: you went in an almost-empty train, and then you go to the nearest guy (me) and basically you rub your beer belly against him. If I didn’t know any better I’d think you were going to dry hump me. (You know, it doesn’t hurt to ask. Also, please keep the fifty-peso payment ready.) You just lost any hope of subtlety to be able to continue on with your dastardly act.
  • If you get caught, um, stop? – Now this is where it gets stupid. Since I was afraid you’d pull out your dick on me any second now, I turn my back on you and move far, far away. Dude, it was an almost-empty train. With enough space. And enough witnesses who clearly saw what you were doing. You didn’t have to fricking follow me and mimic consensual bodily contact with my posterior.Instead of looking awesomely ninja-like, you just looked like some guy in an unfortunate redneck getup buggering a sweaty and overweight Dominic Ochoa lookalike.

    I felt your hands going in my back pocket. So I move another few feet away. Then I felt you move close again and put your hands in my back pockets again. I look at you. You stop and… whistle. Really? You fucking WHISTLE? Are you living in a Tom & Jerry cartoon or something?

    Then you go and put your hands in my back pockets AGAIN. I reach behind and SLAP your stupid hands. After a few seconds, you try again. I slap your hands again. Repeat ad nauseam. I know persistence is the key to success, buddy, but there’s a thin line between persistence and stupidity, and you just crossed it.

  • If you failed, move on to the next victim – I know you’ve already invested a lot of effort on me. But if you failed in getting my wallet because of your inability to be discreet, you know it’s time to move on to the next victim. You don’t block my way out of the train when I’ve already reached my station. What were you planning to do, keep me in the train until you successfully take my wallet out of my back pocket? Move on, man. You lost any hope of stealing my wallet. Also, you deserved that elbow in the ribs I gave you before I disembarked.
  • Make sure it was worth it – Let’s just say you were able to steal my wallet. You know how much money you were going to make? You’d be getting a moldy 20-peso bill, three month old bus tickets, two year old movie tickets to a screening of Brokeback Mountain, and five different kinds of lint.

So there. I think anybody’s arthritic grandmother can be a better pickpocket than you with the skills you’ve displayed. I hope this article helps you in improving your embarrassing pickpocketing skills. I don’t usually root for the lawbreaker, but you just failed on a level so miserable that I just had to step in and point out where you’re going wrong. Now have a nice life, and I sure hope you don’t look like an idiot next time.

By the way, I keep my wallet inside my bag, dumbass.

What about you guys? Any pickpocket stories? Tell me all about it!