So I went to work today, and I realized I had left my pen at home. Well, normally, I wouldn’t mind since I have a ginormous penis which I lug around all the time and I use it to write stuff and sign contracts and ransom letters whenever needed, but it was the full moon and I am never without my pen on the full moon. Mainly because without it I turn into a bloodthirsty werehamster and murder countless of innocent rabbits, which, I swear, taste great with Tabasco.
So I badger my officemate to lend me her pen. I was playfully punching her arm, telling her stuff like “I won’t stop singing 6cyclemind’s Upside Down if you don’t lend me your pen”. Maybe she was still pissed off at me for the time I crashed her car in the company bathroom, but she was ignoring me as she did her report on the impact of the Pythagoras Theorem on toothpaste sales. And as you know, nobody ignores me. So I give her an extra-hard punch on her arm.
An ear-piercing shriek fills the air and the next thing I know, I see her flying in the air. At 10 mph. She escaped me, yet again. Curses! Giving up asking for her pen in disgust, I decided to rummage through her desk. Good thing I keep that ax handy for situations like these.
I grab my ax and smash her desk to pieces, screaming “THIS IS NOT MADNESS THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAH” in the process. Ok, I didn’t really scream that, mainly my boss was already giving weird glances in my direction and I didn’t want to make a racket with my screaming. So I just whispered “This is not madness this is Spartaaaaaaaah” while smashing my officemate’s desk to bits.
Blast! No pen in there anywhere. Also, a guard was fast approaching. I quickly hid my ax behind me, hoping my enormous blubber would hide the ax and the rubble.
“Is anything the matter, sir?” he asked me.
“Um, no. Except for the fact I need a pen right now.”
“Sir, we have a store downstairs. If you’re so desperate for a pen, you can just buy–”
“WHAT? STORE? YOU’RE LYING. LYING I TELLS YA–”
The guard leaned a little to the right, trying to get a glimpse of the destruction behind me. I also lean a little, trying to still cover the mess. I hum the theme from Doogie Howser, M.D., trying to distract the guard from noticing the table.
“Sir, you didn’t have to smash that table to bits, you know.”
“Table? What table?”
“That… scene of… desolation behind you”
At that very moment, I threw a lighted match on the wood pile.
“THERE IS NO TABLE! EVERYTHING IS NOW BURNING! THERE IS NO EVIDENCE THAT I SMASHED A TABLE TO BITS!!! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA–”
Then I realized that the match actually burned out, setting nothing on fire. So much for my evil overlord spiel. I noticed that the guard was already reaching for his nightstick.
“Sir, if you kindly step out the office…”
It was the moment I was trained for all my life. I am being confronted by a burly man in a Total Axis Security Agency uniform, and it was make-or-break time. I wasn’t gonna let this guy hand my ass to me. I reached for my back pocket and grabbed my magic wand. I point my wand at the guard in a menacing kind of way, and I do the incantation:
The guard stares at me blankly. I was waiting for something to happen. I shake the wand vigorously.
“Sir, are you finished? Because I don’t have enough time for–”
“Wait… I’m gonna get it right! Wait for it! EXPECTO PATRONUM!”
“Sir, nothing’s happening. You are not a wizard. And you just destroyed company property. So please, come with me to the security office…”
“EXPECTO PATRONUM! EXPECTO PATRONUM! EXPECTO–”
At this point, I was getting frustrated as to why my incantations aren’t working. So I just do the practical thing: I poke the guard’s eye with my wand. And as he was rolling on the floor with agony, I made a break for it.
Again, I rule.
So I ended the workday still without a pen, and still in danger of turning into a werehamster. And as much as I believe the guard was lying, I checked out the store he was talking about. And yeah, they were selling pens. Drat.
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