Featured Post, Personal

On Palm Readers and Other Sorcery

A few weeks ago, at The Mordo and Sexy Nomad’s awesomiffic Halloween Party, I had my palm read by Cheska. It was all going kind of nice and well, until she got to the obligatory “your life will be a total mess courtesy of some divine intervention but this sort of intervention is probably done by Satan, because you’ll get fucked up REAAAAL bad it’s unbelievable” part. So the conversation went a little something like this:

Cheska:    Show me your palm so I can read– HOLYFUCKINGSHIT.

Me:    What?

Cheska:   OH LORD THIS IS HORRIBLE.

Me:   What? What do you see? WHAT DO YOU SEE, WOMAN?

Cheska:   I THINK I’M GONNA FAINT–

Me:   WILL I DIE IN A CAR CRASH? WILL I GET HORRIBLY DISFIGURED IN A FREAK ACCIDENT? WILL MY PENIS GET CUT OFF BY AN EVIL SCHEMING WIFE? WILL SHE SELL MY PENIS ON EBAY? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?!?!?!111one

Cheska:   I chipped a nail! And I just had a manicure! OH NOES!

Me:   Wait, what?

Cheska:   So, yeah. Horrible.

Me:   Whew. I thought you were seeing some dark horrible fate that will befall me–

Cheska:   Also, you’ll go nowhere in your current job. You’ll quit and look for greener pastures, but you just don’t have any skills whatsoever, marketable, practical or sexual. Your college classmates will get filthy rich, hobnobbing with stars such as Kristine Hermosa, Angel Locsin and Dominic Ochoa. And you’ll blow your life savings on your blog and you’ll end up sucking dicks along Quiapo just to pay for hosting fees. You’ll also live in a cardboard box for ten years, and spend seven of it without taking a bath. And also, your wife will dump you for some hot dreamy Russian guy named Vladimir who runs a vodka company. And I wouldn’t mind doing him myself. Also, your wife’s named “Amelhia Phamela” but her real name is “Juanitho Rhodolfo”. Well, at least that was her name before the sex change. By the way, you’ll die in your sleep–

Me:   Oh. At least… I get a good death.

Cheska:   –after an MMDA demolition guy wearing heavy-duty metal-toe boots accidentally steps on your head during a sidewalk clearing operation.

Me:   … Fuck.

So yeah, that was a very optimistic outlook for the rest of my life. Now, I don’t necessarily believe in fortune tellers and any other sort of sorcery like that (unlike this fairy midget), but then hearing things like that are, well, in a word, depressing. Well, imagine being told about these stupid turns your life will take. It’s not exactly the happiest thing to hear. It’s not the fortune teller’s fault, but still, they make you realize stuff.

Stuff like: MY LIFE = EPIC FAIL.
 


 

If I had a choice, all subsequent fortune tellers who will attempt to forsee my future should first look and dress like this:
 


Fortune Tellers: Hot.
 

Also, all aforementioned fortune-telling activities should be held in a small, dimly-lit room, with candles, incense, champagne, a bathtub filled with aromatic bath gels, a queen-sized water bed, and a handkerchief drenched with chloroform (just in case).

Also, a typical palm reading session should go about like this:

Fortune Teller:   Can you please give your hand to me?

Me:   Sure.

Fortune Teller:   Holy shit.

Me:   What is it, my lovely fortune teller?

Fortune Teller:   You have like the hottest hands ever.

Me:   Why thank you. Your hands do not lack any sort of hotness too, my dear. And the same goes for the rest of you.

Fortune Teller:   *giggles & blushes*

Me:   Have some wine.

Fortune Teller:   Oh, thank you. (drinks wine in one gulp, in a very unlady-like manner)

Me:   So, what do the lines on my palm tell about my future?

Fortune Teller:   Good fortune awaits you, my good man. You’ll travel to various places like France, London, San Francisco, Somalia, Zanzibar, Alaska… and you’ll have homes in each and every one of those places. Also, this blog of yours will strike gold and make you famous!

Me:   Wow. You’re not kidding me, are you?

Fortune Teller:   I kid not. It also says here that you’ll make it big and earn billions of pesos and you’ll end up as one of the richest men in the Philippines in five years’ time!

Me:   No way.

Fortune Teller:   Afterwards, you’ll take five years traveling and meditating in India, where you’ll discover fire, be enlightened, and become a guru. Then you’ll write a best-seller named “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People — In Yoga!”. Also, you’ll be as thin as Gandhi. And  you’ll also change your name to “Mohandas”. Then you’ll become a big Bollywood star.

Me:   Okaaaaaay.

Fortune Teller:   And when you’re finished with your obsession with Indians, meditation, yoga, and self-help, you’ll migrate to New York, where you’d make enough capital to launch Microsoft. Then you’d invent necessities such as the vaccum cleaner and the iPod. And when you get bored with all the money you will earn, you’ll hide away in a secluded log cabin and invent the internet!

Me:   Holy shit… really?

Fortune Teller:   OH MY GOD YOU ARE SUCH AN AWESOME! Father my children!!11

Me:   Why, my dear, I actually have no problem with that. If you want to, we can get married, like, say, NOW.

Fortune Teller:   WHY YES! YES!

Me:   Great. Let’s look for a priest so we can share the rest of our lives in matrimonial bliss!

Fortune Teller:   Also, I have something else to tell you.

Me:   What is it, love?

Fortune Teller:   My real name. it- it’s… Juanitho Rhodolfo.

Me:   … Fuck.

So, have you been to a fortune teller lately? Do you believe what they say, or are you just in it for the laughs?

25 Comments

  1. Psychicforlovers Pastor Moses

    Telling fortune, my favorite.

  2. That, uh, doesn't sound so bad…

    Hahahahahaha!

    Oh come on though, good or bad, you have to admit though, this fortune telling stuff is fun.

    And at least you can say your future is… eventful. ;P

    jungzx's last blog post..My palm was read.

  3. I have never gone to a "fortune teller" and I don't think I ever will.

    hahaha. funny blog you have here.

    Gian Paolo's last blog post..The Not-So-Travelish Traveler

  4. Ade

    [quote comment="95440"]ade, you and me and your right palm…NOW!

    [/quote]

    Okay! I'll go to you with my right palm and I'll—

    Wait, you weren't saying that in a kinky manner, right?

  5. Haha, but seriously, I read tarot. For about 5 years now. & I own nearly a dozen decks. Sometimes I even get paid for reading, yay!

  6. [quote comment="95276"]ang corny ng mga posts mo as in.[/quote]

    eh bat sia nagbabasa ng post mo? eh di corny rin sya?

    teka, fortune telling? di ba sa pelikula lang yun? wakoko

    sarah's last blog post..workaholic at 2 in the morning

  7. ade, you and me and your right palm…NOW!

    cheska's last blog post..where do i go from here?

  8. Di pa ako nagpapahula at wala rin akong balak. Madalas ko ring hinuhulaan kung kelan ako mamatay pero di pa ko tumatama. Nice blog! aliw.

    Abad's last blog post..Cheating 101- Lesson 1

  9. Ade

    [quote comment="95293"]Ano ka ngayon, Ade! Corny ka daw! Hahahahaha;;;;[/quote]

    Ah, basta! DA BEST PA RIN ANG SAN JOAQUIN KALAWAAN HIGHSCHOOL;;;;;;;;; m/

  10. Ano ka ngayon, Ade! Corny ka daw! Hahahahaha;;;;

    Also, Elmer FUDD YOU.

    Baddie's last blog post..Motivational Monday with Baddie #6

  11. Ade

    [quote comment="95276"]ang corny ng mga posts mo as in.[/quote]

    Weh? Sino ka?

  12. ang corny ng mga posts mo as in.

  13. Fortune telling is just a bunch of crap. Seriously.

    Euri's last blog post..Beyond Eternal 4th Anniversary

  14. [quote comment="93846"]Goddamnit Ade! I can never be the first commenter on any of your post! [/quote]

    Rico if you can beat Helga then you have a chance. She is top commenter, what a sorcerer that Helga. 😉

    alohapenny's last blog post..I am bored

  15. My first fortune teller encounter was at Quiapo, yes, the 50peso ones. WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY.

    alohapenny's last blog post..Their Thoughts

  16. "Shut up, Fairy-Midget-With-Teeth-Where-Teeth-Should-Not-Be."

    Was that just a Tanith Lee/Book of the Dead reference?

    Helga's last blog post..FUNWALL WARS.

  17. Ade

    [quote comment="93746"]Last time I got my fortune told (it was a tarot reading, actually) was before I graduated from high school and the lady (or was that a dude? god that was centuries ago) predicted my relationship with my ex. Right down to how I would meet him and the circumstances in which we'd end up together. I'd forgotten about the tarot reading until months after we got together. Freaky shit, man. o_o[/quote]

    LIEK SRLY? O_o You mean all those movie-esque details? Whoashit.

    [quote comment="93612"]I agree that you have no skills…especially sexual…even the fortune teller could see that![/quote]

    Shut up, Fairy-Midget-With-Teeth-Where-Teeth-Should-Not-Be. I was drunk that time. I swear I'll never attempt to rape you again. Like, eeew.

    [quote comment="93557"]You don't need to hobnob with Dominic Ochoa. You ARE Dominic Ochoa.[/quote]

    Elmer Fudd.

    [quote comment="93846"]How can I stand out from your numerous fans Ade, How?!?!?![/quote]

    Unless you're a hot female with amazingly big tits AND willing to have secks with me, there's really no way you can stand out. SRY.

  18. Goddamnit Ade! I can never be the first commenter on any of your post! I've subscribed and watch your feed like a hawk, but every time I visit the actual post someone else has already beaten me to the punch! How can I stand out from your numerous fans Ade, How?!?!?!

    Oh, and don't try avoiding your destiny, coz there is such a thing as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    Rico's last blog post..What’s Wrong With a Glass Door That Drags on a Marble Floor?

  19. interesting future 😀

    go to quiapo…fortune tellers there work for just P5…they'll even spit on your palm for free 😉

    cyberpunk's last blog post..Freaky Happening in India

  20. Try those fotune tellers in China town. They wouldn't look at your hands right away.

    Though I doubt if they would ever allow you to enter the temples.

    jhay's last blog post..Health benefits of soy milk and the dilemma of gaining weight

  21. Haven't had my palm read yet but since my friend's some random psychic, she could read tarot cards so I had my "fate" read almost monthly -LOL-. And she has told me since I was 17 that I'd have a boyfriend every sem. I love her but she's a hoax, I think.

    ps: I know Pat and Ron… Saw them from the pics you have below.

    FunnySexy's last blog post..Expensive Self-Lovin?

  22. Last time I had my palm read, I ended up waking up in my bed with some guy I had no recollection of going home with and an empty condom packet in my hamper. So yeah, I'm kinda traumatized.

    Helga's last blog post..A NON-CALL CENTER FUTURE, I WILL HAVE IT.

  23. Last time I got my fortune told (it was a tarot reading, actually) was before I graduated from high school and the lady (or was that a dude? god that was centuries ago) predicted my relationship with my ex. Right down to how I would meet him and the circumstances in which we'd end up together. I'd forgotten about the tarot reading until months after we got together. Freaky shit, man. o_o

    Sorely tempted to get another tarot reading done re: teh lurve life but I think some things are better left unknown.

    Lauren's last blog post..The Exit Interview

  24. I agree that you have no skills…especially sexual…even the fortune teller could see that!

    Fairy Midget's last blog post..What?s wrong with being a little bit emo?

  25. You don't need to hobnob with Dominic Ochoa. You ARE Dominic Ochoa.

    Baddie's last blog post..Motivational Monday with Baddie #6

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