Notes on the End of the World, 2012

If all this hulabaloo we’re hearing on the internet and Wikipedia is true, then the world is about to end on December 21, 2012. No, seriously. It says so on the Mayan Calendar. In fact, if you check this site out, you’d get some really informative stuff like this:

Q – According to Mayan calculations, when (in our calendar) is the world due to end?

The end of the Mayan Great Cycle after the completion of the 12th Bak’tum. It’s either the 21st or 23rd December, 2012 depending on whether you use the 584,285 or 584,283 correlation coefficient.

So, that clearly states that The Long Jump Calendar predicts a great cataclysm and that- wait. I didn’t get it. Let’s try again:

Clearly, the Maya put a great deal of work into this cycle, and it appears that they were warning us that this cycle causes periodic, massive cataclysms. The more we find out about this cycle, the more we want to know when it will be. Then we know that we can stop going to work, put on a pair of shorts, sit out and relax in a lawn chair and wait for the end of time, quietly sipping a lemonade [or perhaps something a lot stronger.]

Holy shitballs! You mean the Mayans, through the power of math, have figured out that massive cataclysms will happen? I knew I should’ve paid attention to math back in high school. For all we know I could’ve been predicting the end of the world instead of writing dick jokes on the internet.

Know what? I’m seriously bummed off. Nobody gave us the memo to not be born this eon because, well, nobody wants to be there when the Apocalypse starts and the world as we know it bursts into flames. In fact, the prospect that we’re coming nearer and nearer to global doom and assfuckery is sending hordes of people into a panic:

I’m pretty sure the Large Hadron Collider has something to do with this somehow. /obligatory LHC joke

But it also got me thinking: what if those Mayans pulled this shit on us for laughs? You know, for us being able to survive into the 21st century and all? I’m sure those damn Mayans were just pissed off because Mel Gibson made a really crappy movie about them, but let’s face it: they’re using the power of math to end the world.

Douchebags.

Anyway, end of the world or not, I plan to spend the days leading up to December 21, 2012 groping all the hot girls I can find. And when the dreaded day comes, it’ll find me holed up in my basement, a five-year supply of cheetos to keep me company, laptop near so I can surf xvideos.com with ease, with a big pile of rubber tires doused with gasoline so I can burn them at a moment’s notice to ward off the attacking zombie army.

And maybe I should bring a math textbook or two as well.

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