It’s almost November, and I just realized that it’s quite near NaNoWriMo time. You know, that thing where everyone tries to write a novel in the span of one month, and brag to everyone on the internet and everyone within hearing distance that they’ve written a novel. You see, I haven’t participated in NaNoWriMo because of one small insignificant factoid: I CAN’T FUCKING WRITE. Seriously.
But this year I think I wanna join NaNoWriMo and make up something, anything. But my last good idea for a novel was conceptualized a little over three years ago. It involved a flying raccoon (named “Rocky”) and an evil overweight guy with plans of world domination via a gigantic vibrating drill that will burrow its way into the earth’s core and rescue the devil from eternal imprisonment. The drill is powered by the fat guy’s prisoners, doomed to run on treadmills for all eternity. I’ve dreamed of the story to end with gigantic explosions, flying squids, and cats jumping all over the place. And the novel will close with the raccoon riding into the sunset, surrounded by five bikini-clad hot women. And they’ll end up having an orgy. Awesome, right?
Sadly, I haven’t started on this story because whenever I start to tell people about my grand plans for this world-shattering epic, I get raised eyebrows and lots of “WTF?” along with “Whatever you’ve been smoking, Ade, you better not take it anymore.”
I swear, my genius is underappreciated.
So I’ve shelved the concept for now (I’ve planned to call my eventual novel “Rocky Raccoon and the Giant Vibrating Drill of Doom”; it’ll be a trilogy) and for NaNoWriMo I’ll probably take the easy way out and use The Terrible Crossover Fanfiction Idea Generator (discovered by Baddie) and make me a few stories, and maybe I’ll come up with a 50,000 word novel out of the ideas. I mean, COME ON. A random idea generator that spews out stuff like “Your challenge is to write crossover fanfiction combining Finding Nemo and Blue’s Clues. The story should use trying out for a sports team as a plot device!” can never go wrong. NEVER!
Cartman looked into Murphy Brown’s eyes. “Holy fucking shit, Murphy,” he said, “You’re so fucking gorgeous when you convulse.” Murphy can only look helplessly at Cartman. She can’t say anything. She wanted to run away from his arms and run straight to the hospital. She knows that if she doesn’t get any medical treatment soon for this cocaine overdose, she will die. Cartman leaned in to kiss Murphy.
Suddenly Stan burst into the room. “Oh my God,” he said breathlessly, “they killed Kenny!”
Gordon Freeman looked at the gigantic map of the earth in front of him. “Where in the world is she?” he thought. So many countries, so little time. He had to find Carmen Sandiego fast, before she steals another experimental interdimensional portal generator from the Black Mesa Research Facility. He has to stop that little burglar. The fate of the human race depends on it.
Most important of all, she had stolen his heart.
Anne was out on the fields that fateful day when she met Zorro. She was busily milking cows when a man clad in black appeared on the farm. He was dashing, funny, and he was everything she ever dreamed of. Then one day, he came up to her and asked her “My dear Anne, why do you not leave this gloomy and oppresive farm?”
Anne could only sigh and look wistfully at the world outside her farm. She cannot leave, and she knows it all too well. She longs to go outside and be free like other children her age, but there is a war outside her gates and she will get killed by a Nazi all too soon if she leaves. She looked at Zorro earnestly. “My dear Zorro,” she said, “I’m afraid I cannot join you outside. You see, I am a Jew, and the Nazis hate us. I could get killed immediately.”
Then Zorro was silent. Anne was wondering, what is he thinking of? Will he save her from the evil Nazis that will come for her? Will he protect her and her family?
Zorro began to speak. “Wait,” he said. “You’re a fucking Jew?!”
… fuck no. No way I’m touching this one.
Okay, maybe I really don’t have writing in me. I’ll probably leave writing novels in the hands of capable people.
What about you guys? Any plans of joining NaNoWriMo? Can you come up with better crossover fanfiction?