Stuff

My Grand Plan to Save the World From Karaoke

So I woke up with a headache today. It’s not really a nice feeling to wake up with a hangover after spending a night downing glass after glass of Bailey’s until I felt the world spin around me just before passing out. And spending new year’s day with this awesomemifically-painful-sonofabitch-I-want-to-drill-my-brains-out-with-a-pencil headache. Then the inevitable happened: I heard a karaoke rendition of Abba’s “Dancing Queen”, sung by a man with a voice so deep you’d think it was James Earl Jones singing. If that wasn’t bad enough, he was drunk that every other word was unintelligible mumbling. Oh did I mention that he was out of tune?

I tried to go about my morning routine with that guy going through the entire Abba repertoire, patiently pretending to ignore him. But when he started to sing Regine Velasquez, my patience has come to an end. As he hit the high note on “On The Wings of Love” and as an member of my household began to start sobbing uncontrollably, I decided to embark on a grand quest. A quest to save the world from the evils of karaoke.

But of course I can’t go on stopping the evil karaoke machine as Ade Magnaye, because as much as I am immune to bullets and grenades and lasers, my friends and family aren’t. That’s why, in order to protect the people around me, part one of my grand plan to save the world from the evil karaoke would be to adopt a superhero identity.

At day, I shall be Ade, mild-mannered, effeminate blogger extraordinaire, seemingly unable to harm a fly. But at night I shall become:



CYLINDER-HEADED TUXEDO MAN!

As Cylinder-Headed Tuxedo Man, I shall make it my personal mission to protect the ordinary man from the evils and perils of karaoke. I shall invade karaoke bars and destroy those machines that eat at our souls and lay to waste our lives. It’s a lonely mission, I know, but somebody has to do it. Anyway, I have my sidekick to keep me company:

And that takes care of part two of my grand plan: get a totally hot sidekick who may or may not have a penis sometime in the past. Now that I have a superhero identity with a superhero, the next logical step would be for me to gain a superpower. So I’m looking at various ways the other superheroes gained their powers, and none of them looks quite appealing:

  • Be born in a faraway planet called ‘Krypton’ and have your scientist father put you in a rocketship and send you to Earth just before the planet explodes – gee, this would be nice if not for the fact that I was born on earth and my dad is anything but a scientist.
  • Get bitten by a radioactive spider – aside from the fact there’s no way I can irradiate a spider without toasting it to kingdom come, it’s um, eew?
  • Have your parents get shot down in an alley by a mugger, and you go traveling for twenty years for training in various martial arts and to hone detective skills – one word: no.
  • Be born with the X-gene and be a mutant – cool as it sounds, I don’t want to be born with two heads or something.
  • Get bathed in cosmic rays while on an experimental spaceship – Cool! Now where can I get one of those ships?

As you can see, all of the superhero origins that I know of are totally unfeasible. So I decided  to just stick my penis into a bowl of radioactive material (my old socks dipped into a bowl of water). And now I’m given the power to melt, via radioactive radiation, any karaoke machine within a five-mile radius of my penis!

Now that I have a super power, it’s time to develop a modus operandi. I would drive the Cylinder-Tuxedo Mobile around town, with my supersonic ears primed to detect bad karaoke singing within a twenty mile radius. And when I hear a rendition of “Just Once” so awesomifically bad you’d want to commit suicide, I’d put the jet engines of my Cylinder-Tuxedo Mobile into full gear and drive toward the said offending Karaoke bar, and crash my car into the walls of the establishment. And of course, my car is made of adamantium so the debris, falling bricks, explosions, and ricocheting bullets will leave nary a scratch. Kinda like my penis.


At this point I shall emerge from my vehicle with a victorious grin, and I shall proceed in liquefying the offending Magic Sing. And I shall laugh, with a laugh that will make these seasoned karaoke veterans – who have lived through a hundred and one performances of “My Way” – piss their pants. So watch out evilkaraokedoers, I, Cylinder-Headed Tuxedo Man, shall strike fear into your hearts whenever you sing a bad note.

And, that, my dear friends, is my grand plan to save the world from karaoke. Either that or the Bailey’s is still stuck in my head or something.

16 Comments

  1. Karaoke rocks. No need to save the world from it.

  2. Please do not save the world just yet! I have a slight wager with a friend in which I know he will lose, and he will have to humiliate himself at a karaoke bar. It does serve some purpose in our society.

  3. arc

    lol. kill em all videokes! damn noisy things. then again. you can actually use videokes to end a lot of the country's woes. really

    arc's last blog post..The Prince under a glass slide and looking back with jaded ones

  4. gyk

    woah. i love karaoke. but i also hate it when people disturb my sleep because of singing "we belong together" of toni gonzAga on the karaoke. that happened to me. and those are men too.

    gyk's last blog post..reminders.

  5. I will pwn everyone with my mad karaoke skillzzzz. No way I'm gonna get shot with My Way.

    Juice's last blog post..What’s Been Up

  6. happy new year!!!!!!!!!!!

    sarah's last blog post..the happy?s 2007 year ender!

  7. You must really hate karaoke machines that you have such a detailed plan to destroy all of them. When my neighbors were being too loud I retaliated by being just as loud myself with 90s rnb and oldies.
    I stared at that arm pit stain like 50 times while reading your blog.

    Exene’s last blog post..How To Defy God

  8. A-ha! Prepare to meet your doom! For I am Helga, Protector of Videoke Machines and All Things Cute and Cuddly!

    Helga’s last blog post..LIFE AS AN UNEMPLOYED 22-YEAR OLD WAITING FOR HER LIFE TO START.

  9. Ade

    [quote comment=”118756″]

    Also, I can haz ur sexeh sidekick?

    [/quote]

    No.

  10. You've been tagged, noisy man.

    April Zara's last blog post..Tagged by Dan.

  11. Every good hero needs a dastardly sinister evilful villain, and I am willing to be your nemesis! I shall amass an army of evilkaraokedoers and we will make your life a living KTV bar! BOHAHAHA!

    Also, I can haz ur sexeh sidekick?

    Baddie's last blog post..I’m Going to Dump 5 DVD Reviews on Your Asses Next Week

  12. Oh you’re my hero! Not! Then again, you could swing by at DLSU-D. The Filipino Department has a karaoke machine in their faculty lounge.

    And if you would really come by, go through Alabang and then Daang Hari, it’ll take you straight to our campus, coz you know, the traffic in Aguinaldo Hi-way from Baclaran to Cavite is just fuckin hell!

    jhay’s last blog post..How to use Gmail with Yahoo! Groups

  13. Oh God. Singing was never my talent. You would not see me in a look that I would kill somebody just to get the microphone and sing “My Way” out loud. For sure, I’ll be out of tune, that’s why I avoid microphones and karaoke machines.

    Christian’s last blog post..So Sofitel

  14. if you’re planning on taking down karaoke…

    you’ll have to go through me first!!

    bwahahahaha

    in the name of karaoke, i shall pour my wrath upon you, and you shall know that my name is donya quixote [slash karaoke queen]!!

    Donya Quixote’s last blog post..Hello, 2008.

  15. I'm totally disturbed by the armpit stain on the singing guy's top. LOLOLOLOLOL!

    GO ADE! 😛

    Ria Jose's last blog post..Top People in Ria?s Life 2007

  16. No. Pleae don't save the world from karaoke machines. That's the only thing that makes me love this world during depressing times. Rly. Or else, I'm gonna tie you up in a flag pole or something.

    At day, I shall be Ade, mild-mannered, effeminate blogger extraordinaire, seemingly unable to harm a fly. But at night I shall become:

    So not you. =)

    Be born with the X-gene and be a mutant – cool as it sounds, I don’t want to be born with two heads or something.

    But you are already born with 2 heads.

    Euri's last blog post..Last New Year's Eve

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Theme by Anders Norén

%d bloggers like this: