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Movie Review: Avatar

So I was supposed to watch James Cameron’s comeback film, Avatar, last weekend. However, due to unforseen circumstances, I wasn’t able to make it to the last full show. I’m not supposed to tell you the details, but it involved a velociraptor and Jesus. I’d like to tell you more, but I promised the cops I won’t talk about that again. But the whole point is that I’m supposed to be writing a review about this film that I haven’t even seen, and I’m panicking the shit out. In an act of desperation, I open up a torrent website, and search for and download Avatar.

Avatar Poster

Now I don’t have a way to figure out if I did get the real thing. But then, the movie’s going to be about a bunch of half-naked blue men prancing around, saying stuff in gibberish, while being totally epic in the signature James Cameron way. If I see one blue guy in the film, then I’m pretty sure it’s Avatar, right? There can’t be too many films featuring blue guys. So I double-click the movie file, slouch in my chair for a few hours of cinematic bliss, and watch as blue-skinned CGI people wage war against- wait, what the fuck?

HOLY

Jesus Christ.

And dear reader, as much as I would like to stop writing this article because of the overwhelming need to stab both my eyes repeatedly with a lead pencil, I shall resist all suicidal urges until I finish my review of this The Smurfs Hardcore “Avatar” movie that I downloaded.

The Smurfs Hardcore Avatar came on the box office with pretty high expectations. After all, the director, James Cameron, made his last film over a decade ago (it was a little-known movie called “Titanic,” ever heard of that?) and it was for a while the biggest-earning movie. Also, it inspired a lot of horrible photo collages:


Titanic photo collage

Did James Cameron live up to expectations in this film?

Special Effects

I wasn’t able to watch the film in IMAX or 3D, so I can’t judge the film in those aspects. However, I’ve been told that a large part of the film is in 3D and in CGI, even. However, the supposedly lush forest backgrounds don’t look like it was from an alien planet, it looks like it was shot in a small patch of forested land in the outskirts of town.

Even the Na’avi look like people with blue paint on them, instead of alien tribesmen.

What about the battle scenes? They were crap. The supposedly epic battles ended looking up like group sex, and the CGI-rendered explosions disturbingly resembled a certain bodily fluid produced by men.

If this movie took more than 10 years to wait for technology to catch up so we can have awesome CGI, disappointment is an understatement to describe what I’m feeling right now.


Plot

Avatar has been criticized for having a plot that was eerily similar to Pocahontas. I beg to disagree. There was nothing in the film even remotely resembling Pocahontas. However, I don’t think the plot was entirely original. It’s just your typical “all-men tribe of blue-skinned alien creatures fucking the lone female in the tribe” plot. The years have not been kind to James Cameron’s scriptwriting skills.

Characterization

I don’t know what James Cameron was gunning for, but portraying the Na’avi as horndog aliens worked to the film’s detriment. Also, scene after scene of disturbing blue creature on blue creature copulation tends to suck the will to live out of the audience. Is Avatar that immersive that it actually drives people to kill themselves or does the film maker simply have a thing for blue creatures? We’ll never know.

Overall

I find it disturbing that Avatar has been loved by a lot of people. In fact, blue creatures fucking the hell out of each other for two hours straight isn’t something I want to see on the big screen, much less on 3D. I know the plot isn’t supposed to be brilliant and we’re supposed to immerse ourselves in the amazing 3D world, but clearly I am missing something here. Also, the urge to throw up after seeing that 12-inch blue penis was too strong for me to appreciate the finer aspects of that film.

One star.

20 Comments

  1. That is so funny! Good thing I didn't experience that thing that you experienced when I downloaded avatar. Avatar is the best film that I watched so far.

  2. blueguy

    smurf porn, just crazy. I think folks need to relax and make fun of the whole concept more. I like all the spoofs that have been popping up, like

    . I wish I could get my friends to paint themselves blue.

  3. I should put a sticky note on my monitor reminding me not to check your blog before I sleep.

  4. did my comment get through? 😛

  5. nyahahaha! love it love it. at san mo naman napulot yan? geez, ade, the stuff you get into. twisted beyond words. 😛

    avatar: pocahontas with blue aliens.

    • Ade

      Deejay! You're back, ZOMG! Also, I'm still trying to get the mental images out of my head.

      … want a copy?

  6. Lance

    This is a funny post. I couldn't help laughing back there. I never saw Avatar in a rather …different light. My kids loved the movie though.

  7. I watched Avatar on a downloaded copy too. I fell asleep. So I tried to watch it again, and fell asleep. Again. The story just bored the shit out of me.

    Friends tell me I should've watched it on IMAX to better appreciate it, but the plot doesn't change in 3D, right?

  8. RJ

    dood!

    link pls.

  9. Now the whole world knows what kind of p0rn you stuff in your new laptop.

    Which part of The Smurfs Hardcore do you have? Fuck! Did I just said that?! Oh wait, I typed it!

  10. bk

    Bullseye!
    This review is spot on!

    Watched it in 3d and wondered where the hell the 3d parts are. (Christmas Carol had a more convincing 3d look)

    And the story?
    Yawn, yawn, yawn… very formulaic.

    Watching blue paint dry is more exciting.

  11. haven't watch the movie yet… and because of this review, i have no more plans of watching it 😀

  12. This is better than my Avatar review. Please review John Holmes next.

  13. OI! I like avatar. What I like about it isn't that fact that they're blue and half-naked. To be honest, the storyline is a bit typical. "Guy goes to an unknown whatever, meet a girl, she teaches him stuff, they fall in love, the evil antagonist wreck things up, they fight the evil antagonist and win" kind of a lame plot, but I like the animation. The characters and such feels real yada, yada, you get the idea. 😀

    Oh, and smurf hardcore? WTF? O_______o

  14. LOL, your commentary is funny.

    I was a disappointed with it, but probably because I heard a lot of raves about it, hence my expectation was high. I watched it at IMAX, and I don't think it's worth the 400 peso they charge, well I don't think any movie is worth 400 pesos. Also, I wasn't impressed with the 3D, yes most parts are in 3D, but I've seen other 3D movies that really stands out or something, again this is probably because I expected a lot about it. I didn't like the storyline and the script either, this comment is getting long I should have made my own entry instead.

    And oh, I liked Sherlock more, totally not related.

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