Personal, The Fat Chronicles

More Adventures of That Fat Guy

OMG is that my beer belly? And I have boobs! I’m so sexay!

Oscar Wilde on fatties

As I have mentioned here and here, I have been trying to lose weight for the longest time, but with tragic results. After taking a break from losing weight (I needed to regain my composure- and dignity) I have sort of lost control over my increasingly spiraling weight and, well, even my baggy jeans have felt tight. So what do you do in a situation like this?

You lock yourself up in a room, play with your man boobs for a couple of hours and when you get bored, scream your lungs out until you pass out. When you wake up in a pool of your own drool, you look at your reflection in the mirror and you see that you’re still, um, fat.

So now I will again seek my elusive victory in the weight-loss game by trying out new strategies. Coz you see, I want to be sexy and muscular just like this guy:

I mean, who wouldn’t?

You won’t? Screw you, that’s my dream.


Plan # 7:
Yoga

I’m so desperate to lose weight I’d try anything. Even if it means I have to do the gayest of the gay exercises. And that means yoga.

Just in case you’re wondering why I find yoga gay, just ask yourself: those people who do yoga are so flexible they contort themselves up in unimaginable shapes. I shudder at the thought of them self-fellating during those cold winter nights they spend alone. I mean, Tom Cruise does it, why wouldn’t they?

Speaking of Tom Cruise, just read what Scientology has to say about yoga:


“OOOOOOOOOooooohh yeah! I’m in love and I’ll jump like an idiot on Oprah’s couch to prove it!”

Oh shit, wrong quote. Here’s the correct one:

“Yoga may be teh gayeth, but it really does wonders. My pot belly is now gone, and my skin is brighter. Of course it could be the bukkake I got yesterday, but I really think it’s the yoga.”

Ok, I have to start. I’ll try one of the basic yoga positions, Eka-Pada-Rajakapotasana. What? I said basic, not unprononceable.

Let’s see… I’ll put this leg here, and I’ll bend my back, and I’ll… I’ll… Wait, where did that cracking sound come from? Whose ribcage is this? Where is this blood coming from? Is… is.. that my spleen?

I think I’m gonna faint.

Plan # 8:
Bangkok Pills

Now some people would warn me that Bangkok Pills should be the last thing I should touch because it is laced with shabu. Well, I don’t care. I wanna get thin, and I don’t give a rat’s ass if I become retarded because of illegal drugs frying my brain (I’m already retarded to begin with, so why bother?).

So after obtaining one from the black market and an awesome escape from the police using a turbo-powered rickshaw and an invisible car, I settle down in my room, and holding the pack of hard-earned illegal pills in front of me, I unceremoniously dunked them in my mouth.

I came to five days later. What happened during the time I was out was a blur, but I do remember someone telling me that I was spotted walking along Kalayaan avenue wearing only my underpants and singing Boom Tarat.


Moral of the story? Don’t do drugs, or you’ll create retarded shit like this on the interwebs when you’re high.

Plan # 9:
Photoshop, Angelica Panganiban-style

If I rally can’t manage to lose weight the old-fashioned way, I guess I have to embrace technology to help me become thin. I mean, it worked for Angelica Panganiban, it should also work for me, right?

So I bring out one of my most unflattering photographs and I will seek to Photoshop it to pure manly perfection.

First I will do the equivalent of stomach crunches by brushing out my stomach, and then I’ll remove my ginormous man boobs, and then I’ll clean out my blemishes, and then fix the lighting. And I’ll take out the wheelbarrow as well. It’s such an ugly object unfitting my new physique. Wait, I think I got something messed up. Here we go, I fixed it. Here’s my newly edited picture!

Waittasec… I think I need more work on this Photoshop thing.


So what do you guys think? Comment away!

20 Comments

  1. Enjoyed reading this post 🙂 I can relate believe me. I've tried countless diets and exercise 🙂 Great site! Will link you up 🙂

  2. If you spend 90% of your time in front of the computer, then you're practically just sitting on your ass 90% of the time, dude! …unless, of course, you're weight-lifting an elephant while blogging. Do you get the idea? Good. Now if you do get more, remember to tell me cuz we're on the same sinking boat.

  3. Oh, gravatar. Great.

  4. You're hopeless, ade.

    Liposuction. Liposuction. Liposuction. Liposuction 9til the cows come home)

    ——–

    Haha, it's obvious that Angelica tightened her stomach just to make it gorgeous. It's not her body that needs Photoshop. It's her damned face. Hahaha again.

  5. you're angelica? cool!

  6. ade

    [quote comment="7901"]show us YOUR pic! :)[/quote]

    Haven't you been reading? THAT was mine! LolzZzZz!111one

  7. show us YOUR pic! 🙂

  8. [quote comment="6751"](…)

    Try listening to Barbara Streisand or Cueshe, that should be enough to make you loose your appetite for weeks, :D[/quote]

    Hahahaha!!! Cueshe! Nice one. That will surely get you to look skeletal. Imagine being jailed up in a cell where their song entitled "Ulan" is played in an infinite loop. Scary…

  9. related to jhay's post, try listening to april boy's song for a week, locked up in your room 😛

    photoshop rocks!

  10. Lol, that was a really good post!

    Amusing ending too ^________^

    Go fat guy! hahaha….

  11. [quote comment="7146"]If I were fat, I would be really depressed. It's a good thing I'll never be a lard ass.

    Hurray for everyone who eats like a pig and never gains weight![/quote]

    A M E N ! ! !

    How I wish I was like those people…:(

  12. If I were fat, I would be really depressed. It's a good thing I'll never be a lard ass.

    Hurray for everyone who eats like a pig and never gains weight!

  13. [quote comment="6929"]right now, i weigh 166 kilograms and that's the heaviest i've been. nowadays, i don't get to play basketball that often. i need to watch my diet. the fact that the food here is cheap plus the kinds of food that i eat add to the battle of the bulge. hehe :D[/quote]

    You got to be kidding me! 166 kilograms is obese man. You don't need to go on a diet…YOU NEED TO STOP EATING for christsakes!

  14. right now, i weigh 166 kilograms and that's the heaviest i've been. nowadays, i don't get to play basketball that often. i need to watch my diet. the fact that the food here is cheap plus the kinds of food that i eat add to the battle of the bulge. hehe 😀

  15. ade

    [quote comment="6912"]Does this mean Im abnormal? =([/quote]

    You do the same things Tom Cruise does? That's abnormal!

  16. [quote comment="6882"]Dude, self-fellatio is supposed to be physiologically impossible.[/quote]

    Does this mean Im abnormal? =(

  17. Dude, self-fellatio is supposed to be physiologically impossible. Although, it did happen on Saturday Night Life… :p

    Photoshop rocks, although it still can't make Noelle La Fea go away. 😀

  18. Contact Jenny Craig!

  19. It's a good thing I'm not fat. Or getting any fatter. hehehe

    Try listening to Barbara Streisand or Cueshe, that should be enough to make you loose your appetite for weeks, 😀

  20. Oh, man. The number of fat people in the world is increasing day by day. Both of us Ade are included in the statistics… 🙁

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