Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Large Hadron Collider.

Guess what this weird-looking contraption is for? Well, aside from making jokes about it becoming the biggest bait for “large hard-on” jokes, it’s probably the most awesome thing ever. Before it kills us.

The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is the world’s largest and highest-energy particle accelerator complex, intended to collide opposing beams of protons charged with approximately 7 TeV of energy. Its main purpose is to explore the validity and limitations of the Standard Model, the current theoretical picture for particle physics. It is theorized that the collider will produce the Higgs boson, the observation of which could confirm the predictions and missing links in the Standard Model, and could explain how other elementary particles acquire properties such as mass.

Make any sense? No? Okay, to make things easier to my readers who don’t have a degree in quantum physics (I’m pretty sure there’s a couple out there), the Large Hadron Collider basically tries to make protons run in a very large oval. A fucking large oval. An oval with a 17-mile circumference, to be exact.

“But Uncle Ade,” you say, “there’s nothing wrong with making sub-atomic particles go around an amazingly large oval at close to the speed of light! I mean, observing subatomic particles? How boring. And nerdy.”

Also, the protons are going to have to collide with each other.

“Pfft. So two minuscule specks are going to hit each other. Big deal. It was like the time you and Uncle Steel decided to go swimming and you guys started to play dick slap-”

Also, did I mention that the LHC is meant to recreate the Big Bang?

That’s right. The Big Bang. The Big Fucking Bang. The Big Bang, that thing that actually started the universe? I’m sure you’ve heard of it. Those crazy scientists are hoping that recreating the Big Bang could actually produce the elusive Higgs boson, the existence of which will prove that Physics as we’ve known it all these centuries is actually right. I don’t know about you, but I hated Physics back in high school. I’d love to see the LHD go and prove those motherfuckers I called “Physics Teachers” wrong.

Yeah, it could basically go so wrong in many ways, like um, blowing up the galaxy, or strange matter coming out of it and killing the shit out of us, or strange creatures from another dimension coming out of wormholes suddenly enslaving humanity, or black holes suddenly forming and maybe we’d get sucked into a vortex. But I don’t care. I wanna see the look on my teachers’ faces when I tell them “WRONG, MOTHERFUCKERS!”

Oh, I said “black hole” right? I wasn’t talking about your mother’s hole, you moron (OH SNAP!), I was talking about the “get sucked into this deep dark hole where gravity is so dense that not even light can escape” type of hole. Well, the same thing can be said about your mother’s hole (ZING!), but I digress.

Also, educational video!

So yeah, maybe you’re thinking “Hoy crap! No way they’re gonna let something like this on! Are they crazy? Life as we know it could end!” Well, it’s a little too late. You see, the LHD is already on; it’s just a matter of weeks before the protons collide.

I dunno about you, but I’m planning to spend the few remaining weeks in my basement, calling in sick at work when I’m not really sick, whacking off to my collection of Maria Ozawa videos, eating cheetos till I drop, getting inebriated with Coke Zero until my kidneys fail, as I install Ubuntu Linux on my PC and probably make a prank call or two.

You know, wild, hedonistic, rebellious stuff like that. Good times.

To keep people from running around in the streets looting and basically making a mess out of things because, you know, it’s the fucking apocalypse, here’s a link to’s LHD: Best and Worst Case Scenarios where they basically say that no, we’re not fucked, we just blew a few billion dollars to prove some theories wrong.

A couple of updates:

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