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I'm Old! And Broke! And Fat! Happy Birthday Yay!

So today, I turned 25. Dammit, I’m old.

I don’t know. I used to look forward to my birthday because birthdays bring with them gifts, parties, and a generally happy atmosphere. Now I just dread them, mainly because it’s a reminder that I’ve wasted another year doing nothing but writing profane jokes in what the kids call a “blog” (seriously, what the hell is this thinggummy you kids call blogs? Is it an online diary or something? Coz that’s so gay).

So to start off my birthday, the construction workers in our street greeted me by way of this awesome dialogue repeated ad nauseam, a.k.a. conspiracy flashback:

Guy: PUTANG INA NAMAN! MAGSAING KA NA! MAGTATRABAHO PA AKO!
Wife: LECHE KA! KUNG DI MO INUBUS ANG PERA NATIN SA GIN KAGABI MAY ISASAING AKO!
Son: Ang iingay nyo! Di ako makapag konsentreyt sa laru ko! Binabato ko lahat ng dumadaan dito eh! Tapos mamaya sisinghot pa ako ng rugby habang kumakanta ng Salbakuta.
Guy: Ang galing mo anak! Keep it up, tatanda ka na katulad ko!
Son: Oo naman tay, idol kita eh! Hay payb!

I seriously don’t know of a better way to start off a birthday. A knifefight maybe? With the end result of one of the construction worker’s guts on the street just in front of our house? That would be perfect, but you have to remember: they took out the streets in our village and turned them into muddy mush!


Anyway, to remind me of my impending mortality (and alleged ambiguous sexuality. Those assholes), the monkeys over at The Man Blog Forum gave me these gifts:

Pau first figured out it was my birthday. Glad that there was somebody catching up with his age, he gave me this:


A Google image search result for the keywords “Ade gay”. Go figure.

Coco, on the other hand, gave me this:



Remind me to use it on him the next time we meet.

Adam Mordo, my boss, decided to give me this:


Thank you sir, it was very… uplifting.

Juice gave me this:


A hot girl in a devil costume! Now we’re talking!

January , who knew how hard it was for me to find water in Hong Kong, was thoughtful enough to give me:


A bottle of water. To beat him up with.

Baddie decided to dedicate a song to me:

Sa ‘yo ang inUTIN, sa ‘yo ang puLAFANG, happy happy happy birrrthGAY, sana’y maBADING mo kamiiii!!!

Kris, on the other hand, gave me:

“They danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I’ve been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!””

– On The Road, by Jack Kerouac

Something incomprehensible.


Thor, knowing what I really wanted, gave me:


A cute barista! Yay!

Steel decided to throw me a party and brought some of my friends over:

Chris reunited me with some alleged relatives found on magnaye.com:


Right.

Madz gave me this:


The Kool-Aid man. This Madz, what a witty. Kool-ADE?
Get it? HUHLOLZ! High fiv- fuck you, I liked it.

LOLga, being the wonderful friend that she is, gave me this:


I dunno what the fuck this is, but I’m sorry for whatever I did to her.
Even though I don’t remember exactly what. We’re even now.

Fritz gave me something awesometastic though:


The Pick of Destiny! Holy fuck!
Now all I need is a bass to make this the awesomest birthday ever-

Oh, lookie what LOLen gave me!


A bass guitar that also doubles as an AK-47! FUCK!
Now I have something to use on those crappy bands I get to watch on my band’s gigs!

So now I feel all old and shit, but a very happy kind of old. And shit. And while we’re at it, here’s an answer to all those “How does it feel to reach some ancient age like 25?” questions (yes, Sorsi, I’m looking at you, stop bugging me, mkay?): It feels a lot like 24.

What, should my joints start aching and my back start aching or start to have erectile dysfunction or something?

29 Comments

  1. That's reeeeaally hilarious.

  2. dude belated happy birthday. i know it's too late to greet you that and i'm so sorry fo…seriously, shut up!

    (just kidding! if there's only one noise left, i want it to be yours.)

    and now i feel gay!

  3. No need to worry yet. The chronic back aches start at 26. The erectile dysfunction probably comes later… I'm in no rush to find out.

  4. CM

    I feel you. I really do. And I promise that if you feel God’s love, you won’t feel punished. And when you give it up, it will be far harder to want it back. I hope you find the strength in the moment to overcome the urges and satisfy the deep desires. I hope God gives it to you. Because He has given it to me.

    -Delayed reaction pero Happy Barfday! More barfdays to come until such age as when erectile dysfunction becomes a historical landmark and you stop celebrating birthdays and instead start asking existentialist questions and regularly post comments on dear god and shit.

    CM's last blog post..Titled Randoms

  5. As someone who is THIRTY (yes 30. I can barely believe it myself) … guess what, you will get even older! And soon you'll look back to being 25 as when you were young. Yup.

    Mr. Music Blog's last blog post..John Lennon’s Real Love & Joy Division’s Isolation: An Essay

  6. jessica

    i just broke up with my "kabit" because it's your birthday already. isn't that a nice gift ma-fwend?! haha! tweyntipayb!!!! hapee beerday!!!!

  7. I don't and will probably never know how it feels to be 25 because I stopped having birthdays five years ago.

    But if you insist, HAPPY BOITHDAY!

    Steel's last blog post..The Steelmeister’s Recipes of Masculinary Genius for the Common Man Who's Pressed for Budget (or simply, I Cook But That Doesn't Mean I'm Gay)

  8. If 25 years old is old, then I must be ancient since Im 30. Didn't you know that 30 is the new 20??? I still feel like a teenager! Maybe you need to re-evaluate your diet! LOL

  9. Happy happy birthday Ade 🙂

    Tahn's last blog post..I have a Type A Personality

  10. Toe

    Hahahaha! Happy Birthday Ade! Now you know who your true friends are! 🙂

    Toe's last blog post..Global Earth Day; Little Things You Can Do to Save the Earth

  11. ON SATURDAY… I GIVE YOU MY GIFT, MMKAY? 😉

    FunnySexy's last blog post..Where the hell is Boy Bastos?

  12. Nice gifts. 😛 Hey, is the picture of the barista the one you've been blogging about? hehehe

    Maki's last blog post..The Moon 4/20/2008

  13. The Pick of Destiny FTMFW!

    Fritz's last blog post..The Verdict: Andrew Lloyd Webber week on AI7 tonight!

  14. Yeah, I'm incomprehensible. Rub it in, why doncha? 😛 That quote means there's not a lot of wrong with being crazy and it's a delightful sight. For Jack Kerouac anyway.

    Happy birthayd.

  15. Ade

    [quote comment="120101"]I greeted you, syempre no reply! 😛

    Anyway, Happy birthday! And Kool-Adez wuzzz mine!!!

    I am not original. :([/quote]

    DOMS!!!1one What number did you text anyway? I have a new number! I PM'ed you on the TMB forums.

    And I know you gave me the Kool-Adez last year! You're still teh orig! High five!

    And thanks for the greetings, everybody. I'll buy you all beer. ON FACEBOOK!

  16. Happy BARFDAY, Ade!

    May your manboobs be sent forth and multiply – in this case, grow larger. LOL.

    utakGAGO's last blog post..Draft on Demand!

  17. chris

    i stopped counting at 27…

    you'd still feel the same old ade who talks to his inner child!

    happy birdie!

  18. MANSANAS NA PANTALON!

    SAPATOS MAY BALBON!

    SPAGHETTI PABABA NG PABABA NG PABABA NG PABABA

    Happy birthday, Ade! 🙂

    Helga's last blog post..ANAWANGIN COVE, ZAMBALES.

  19. I'd give my present to you on the Banana gangbang rock fest coz if I post it online the police would lock me up, shut down my blog and the courts would slap a restraining order on me preventing me to use the interwubs for like 10 years.

    Seriously, I will. LOL

    jhay's last blog post..Panganay ng Umaga – Joey Ayala and Noe Tio

  20. Doms

    I greeted you, syempre no reply! 😛

    Anyway, Happy birthday! And Kool-Adez wuzzz mine!!!

    I am not original. 🙁

  21. ba

    Happy birthday to you! And to Benjo too! Hahaha

    ba's last blog post..Epal ka Thermodynamics

  22. happy 25th noisy and retarded beerday to you, noisy man!

  23. yomameng! haba berdie! looking forward to another year of retarded shit. and may your shit stay retarded. whatever that means.

  24. dear sir,

    happy birthday! 🙂

  25. Happy BIRDIE and Maligayang BATE to you=)

    Here's to 25 years of being retarded=)I'm so proud of you!

    Libre kita dinuguan when I visit=p

    Alabsya!=)

  26. well.. WOW!

    Pretty amazing. Happy birthday too!

    CARS's last blog post..The Summers I’ve Come to Witness.

  27. Just graduated from being 25 a few days ago. What sucks most about aging is when girls in their early 20s start calling you kuya with an added "po" at the end of the sentence. totally kills your self esteem

  28. I listened to that youtube vid linked by helga. And I don't think I will

    be able to sleep tonight. Anyway,

    Happy beerday bro!

    Avatar's last blog post..Pimpin? My Laptop Yo!

  29. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'm not supposed to be reading blogs right now (or chatting for that matter haha) but this is hella funny! I just couldn't stop cracking up. Bahahahahaha. Cherish they gifts, Ade! They don't come cheap 😛

    Juice's last blog post..Apparently My Dog Is Overweight

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