I Hate Technology.

As everyone and their grandmother knows, I am a geek. Just take one glance at my stuff and you can arrive at the same conclusion because of my extensive comic book collection, various gadgets (and by “gadgets” I mean iPods and not Fleshlights, you perv), and my uncanny (“uncanny” meaning “horribly bad it’s unbelievable”) fashion sense.

Also, my extensive knowledge of all things Maria Ozawa, the fact that I surf the net a little more than your average 25-year old, and that I was the only one who was able to get Google Calendar to work in the office is kind of a dead giveaway. Anyway, my point: for a geek who revels in technology as much as I do, I’m beginning to hate it. A lot.

Gadgets may be awesome and all and shit, but it’s only a matter of time before all our technological wonders gain sentience and destroy us all? Just look at Terminator.

This is how a fleshlight would look like if Skynet activated it.

In fact, I think my own gadgets are starting to gain sentience. Just the other day my laptop started acting up. USB ports starting dying one by one, and then suddenly working without any troubleshooting at all, leaving me stupefied (and staring at my laptop for an hour with my jaw agape). I’m usually competent around these newfangled gizmos that kids nowadays use, but I was stumped.

And then the inevitable happened: the portable hard drive that I use to store my stuff in died. Let me rephrase that. The portable hard drive that I use to store all my fucking files in, which I was planning to back up next fucking week, has fucking died, taking with it my entire music library which I had been painstakingly building for years, backup files of this blog, entire seasons of TV shows I’ve yet to watch, my entire e-comic book collection, band pictures & demos, and other personal stuff. And yes, porn.

Because Bono is symbolic of all things that are wrong with technology

And you can guess what happened next: I started to scream uncontrollably (at 3am) as I continuously plugged the USB cable in and out of my computer. That in and out action turned me on so much that I started whacking off, but since all my porn was in the hard drive as well, I realized how sad and sick I am and I started to cry. While whacking off.

So, technology, can you explain this to me?! I’ve been a loyal disciple. How could you fuck me in the ass with the big cock of failure?! (I was metaphorically speaking here guys, carry on)

Seriously, the next time I see the words “USB device not recognized” on any computer will be too soon.

Now ‘scuse me while I lock myself up in the office bathroom and I bawl my eyes out.

What has technology done to screw you up? Tell me all about it in the comments!