This is a question nobody takes seriously: are your neighbors zombies? For all you know, you could be in the middle of a party, drinking your 7th beer while people are getting crazy on the karaoke, then you pass out. Five hours later, you wake up with your brains missing. Dang! One of your neighbors are zombies, and you don’t know who it is! See why you need to know who the humans and who the zombies are before it’s too late?
Check out these warning signs so you can differentiate between the living and the undead. The last thing we want is an unexpected brain salad. Your brains.
If your neighbors tend to walk around the neighborhood muttering “Brains” under their breath, they might be zombies.
You might think the thin guy next door is just taking his nightly leisure walk like he always does (midnight on the dot), but he’s just hunting for flesh to eat. Have you seen Mrs. Wilson’s dog after that one time thin guy took it on a midnight stroll? Thought so!
If your neighbors smell like rotting flesh, there’s a good chance that they are zombies
As questionable are the hygienic practices of some people, rotten flesh isn’t something you acquire from five weeks of not taking a bath. Trust me, I tried. Sure, I killed some flies and a couple of rabbits with my smell, but believe me, it was nowhere near the stench of rotting human flesh. And everybody should know that zombies’ sense of smell is so bad, they would not notice themselves rotting.
The zombie in glasses has a nice rack
So, if your neighbors reek of rotting flesh and it’s not their breath, trust me. He’s a zombie. Get the shotgun ready.
When the hot girl next door says she wants to eat you, she’s a zombie
So you get a call from that hot girl next door. The girl you’ve been wanting to bang since you’ve moved to Zombieville. She says in her sultry sandpaper voice that she wants you to come over because she has a surprise for you.
So, uh, how are you doing? Eat my flesh?
I know, you want to take out your lube, condoms and butt plugs but I want you to think first. When she said “I want to eat you,” did you hear seductive music in the background or the clatter of kitchen utensils?
If your neighbors have headstones in their garden, they’re definitely zombies
Have you checked what’s in your neighbors’ gardens lately? Aside from the usual array of grass, dead leaves, dog poo and flowers, do they have headstones in their garden? The usual human would put garden gnomes, plastic flamingos or something equally tacky on their garden. If you see headstones, get the jungle bolo and slice off their heads before they come to your house and feast on your brains!
Of course, when you see headstones on their garden during Halloween, this rule does not apply, lest you be arrested for manslaughter charges.
Check out our other educational pamphlets!
- It burns when I pee, do I have swine flu?
- I stole some kid’s lunch money, do I run for public office? (HINT: YES)
- If I kick my balls intently like this, will I go back in time?
- You mean I’m not supposed to hump my pillows?
- Holy shit, my dog has a vagina! Do I use it? (HINT: FUCK NO)
- Pacquiao is running for president: U.S. Immigration tips