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How to tell if your neighbors are zombies

This is a question nobody takes seriously: are your neighbors zombies? For all you know, you could be in the middle of a party, drinking your 7th beer while people are getting crazy on the karaoke, then you pass out. Five hours later, you wake up with your brains missing. Dang! One of your neighbors are zombies, and you don’t know who it is! See why you need to know who the humans and who the zombies are before it’s too late?

Check out these warning signs so you can differentiate between the living and the undead. The last thing we want is an unexpected brain salad. Your brains.

If your neighbors tend to walk around the neighborhood muttering “Brains” under their breath, they might be zombies.

You might think the thin guy next door is just taking his nightly leisure walk like he always does (midnight on the dot), but he’s just hunting for flesh to eat. Have you seen Mrs. Wilson’s dog after that one time thin guy took it on a midnight stroll? Thought so!

If your neighbors smell like rotting flesh, there’s a good chance that they are zombies

As questionable are the hygienic practices of some people, rotten flesh isn’t something you acquire from five weeks of not taking a bath. Trust me, I tried. Sure, I killed some flies and a couple of rabbits with my smell, but believe me, it was nowhere near the stench of rotting human flesh. And everybody should know that zombies’ sense of smell is so bad, they would not notice themselves rotting.


The zombie in glasses has a nice rack

So, if your neighbors reek of rotting flesh and it’s not their breath, trust me. He’s a zombie. Get the shotgun ready.

When the hot girl next door says she wants to eat you, she’s a zombie

So you get a call from that hot girl next door. The girl you’ve been wanting to bang since you’ve moved to Zombieville. She says in her sultry sandpaper voice that she wants you to come over because she has a surprise for you.


So, uh, how are you doing? Eat my flesh?

I know, you want to take out your lube, condoms and butt plugs but I want you to think first. When she said “I want to eat you,” did you hear seductive music in the background or the clatter of kitchen utensils?

If your neighbors have headstones in their garden, they’re definitely zombies

Have you checked what’s in your neighbors’ gardens lately? Aside from the usual array of grass, dead leaves, dog poo and flowers, do they have headstones in their garden? The usual human would put garden gnomes, plastic flamingos or something equally tacky on their garden. If you see headstones, get the jungle bolo and slice off their heads before they come to your house and feast on your brains!

Of course, when you see headstones on their garden during Halloween, this rule does not apply, lest you be arrested for manslaughter charges.

Check out our other educational pamphlets!

  • It burns when I pee, do I have swine flu?
  • I stole some kid’s lunch money, do I run for public office? (HINT: YES)
  • If I kick my balls intently like this, will I go back in time?
  • You mean I’m not supposed to hump my pillows?
  • Holy shit, my dog has a vagina! Do I use it? (HINT: FUCK NO)
  • Pacquiao is running for president: U.S. Immigration tips

30 Comments

  1. erwin

    im always ready with my shot gun and base ball bat wheahter its a zombie or not….

  2. if you're in an lrt, how would you know from whom the rotting corpse smell is coming from? just in case, you ride with one, it should be good to know yes?

  3. gosh, i'm reminded once again of "shaun of the dead." seriously ade, you should find a copy of that. 😀

    also, what are butt plugs, and for what purpose do they exist? *clueless* 😛

  4. My officemate takes a bath everyday but still smells like mushroom. Is she a zombie?

    PS: She likes dinuguan. :p

  5. [email protected] Tx Real E

    Thank you, I know know what is wrong with my son. I thought it was his age group, but I realize now he is a zombie. He stinks, mutters, etc… Thanks for letting me know.

  6. where can i get the educational pamphlets? i reckon they'd be handy in the near future, esp. "You mean I’m not supposed to hump my pillows?".

  7. Oh. So that’s why I never saw that dog again.

    • people in the philippines love bulalo. mostly because of the "utak" (bone marrow) that is the primary ingredient of the delicacy.

      most Filipinos are zombies because of it

      utak is a filipino term for brain..

    • Ade

      Also, Mrs. Wilson. Where the hell did she go?

  8. You forgot to mention neighbors who are always present at your neighborhood funeral wake, they only come out at night, stay there the whole night and leave once the sun rises.

    Or they could be just that addicted to "sakla."

    • Ade

      I wonder if formalin-soaked brains are a zombie delicacy.

      • Maybe that's the reason that despite their rotten states, zombies continue to wreak havoc!

        It's time to consult the Mythbusters on this one.

      • Zombies do not eat brains. It's a dead unicorn trope.

  9. Kapitbahay ko: Di tunay na zombie. Ang tunay na zombie, hindi nagpapatugtog ng 80's soft rock crap tuwing umaga, hindi nagtatapon ng basura sa harap ng ibang bahay, walang maingay na aso at kung anu-ano pang nakakabadtrip na shit.

  10. Alrighty then. After this all I need is a baseball bat, and I'm all set.

  11. this was very informative. i will take your advice to heart when the zombie apocalypse comes nigh.

    • Ade

      You are welcome good sir. Be sure to stock up on shotgun bullets as well.

  12. am i a zombie if i want to devour Megan Fox ?

    • Ade

      Every hot-blooded male wants to eat Megan Fox, so worry not about your zombie tendencies.

      • RC

        That reminds me of my emo-jologs neighbors. They don't smell so good (they stink like your elementary school's comfort rooms) and they always come in hordes, especially when there's a rock concert.

        Oh, I'm definitely going to buy a shotgon now.

  13. CM

    Nazi zombies FMTFW!

  14. Rhys

    Also, zombies don’t put gravestones in their yards! I mean, come on, dude! Zombies do not care what their yards look like.

  15. Rhys

    My hot neighbor once tried to “eat” me. I initially thought she was a zombie until I found out she was just hot for me. Now it gets very confusing when things are this way because sometimes you act in the spur of the moment and you end up shooting your neighbor.

  16. I’m confused. If the girl next door smells like rotten flesh, would you still consider her hot?

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