If you’ve been browsing here for the last week or so, you may have noticed that I haven’t posted as often as I used to. And if I do ever update, the post is total crap. It’s because I resigned from my previous job, and I’ve been busy looking for a new one. Long story short, I had to concentrate on non-retarded stuff for a change.
As you know, with every application comes the thing most dreaded by everyone: the job interview. Why do people get scared of it? I guess people will meet their potential bosses for the first time, and they want to make an awesome first impression that they become so self-conscious, overthink what they will say, and generally clam up and stutter like some two-year old.
Now just how do I know that? Simple: I just made a fool out of myself in a recent job interview. At the final interview, even.
It all started out so perfectly: I breezed through my initial interviews at this one company. I even thought I was awesome. I cracked jokes, and I and the interviewer even laughed a little bit about how gay David Hasselhoff is.
Then the day of the final interview came. I went there totally nervous, with a large painful pimple in the middle of my nose, ants somehow finding their way inside my undershirt and painfully feasting on my skin, and with my mind in shambles. I have no idea why it turned out that way, but it wasn’t one of my smoothest moments:
INTERVIEWER: Why did you consider this job? It’s a little far from what you are doing at your old job.
ME: Well, I wanted to expand my horizons.
INTERVIEWER: And just how will you expand your horizons with us?
ME: I… ah… er… redfvgbnfsyadftdsfhn.
ME: OMFGCANTTHINKIAMSODEADLETMEOUTTAHEREPLEEASE. 🙁
INTERVIEWER: Can you relax for a moment…?
ME: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON’T KICK ME OUT! I NEED THIS JOB! PRETTY PLEAAAASE!
INTERVIEWER: (looks intently at me) …We’re not kicking anyone out. I’m just interviewing you, for crying out loud! Now can you just relax?
ME: (goes into fetal position) I’m relaxing… I’m RELAAAAAAAAXING…
INTERVIEWER: And it would help me greatly if you’d stop sucking your thumb.
ME: Oh yeah. Sorry about that. (wipes thumb on pants)
INTERVIEWER: Ok. What I need is someone who can quickly adjust to the demanding lifestyle of this company. Someone who will not break under intense pressure. Someone who can cope with increasing deadlines. Think you’re up for it?
ME: Yes I am. I thrive under pressure!
INTERVIEWER: Well, from what you’ve shown me so far, it looks like you’re not.
ME: NO!!! I CAN COPE WITH PRESSURE! YES I COULD! YOU’RE LYING! LYING, I TELL YOU!
ME: I’m sorry about that. I- I had too much coffee today.
INTERVIEWER: Maybe you should stop drinking it then.
ME: Are you crazy? Do you want me to fall asleep and start drooling over your expensive-looking desk?
(Then a girl enters the office, leaves a bunch of papers with the interviewer, and leaves)
ME: (jumping at the opportunity to break the ice) Man, that was the ugliest girl I’ve ever seen! Who is she?!
INTERVIEWER: (Stiffening) That’s my daughter.
ME: Your… What? No kidding?
ME: Can we just get on with the punishmen- I mean, interview?
ME: Ask me a question. Anything. Please.
INTERVIEWER: To put it bluntly, I am not impressed with you at all. In fact, I think you are a bad fit for this job. However, I will give you another chance if you just answer the next question properly.
ME: Shoot away.
INTERVIEWER: What will you do to make me want you?
ME: I’ll make you want me. I’ll make you want me soooo bad that you won’t be able to sleep at night without me. You’re gonna ache for me. I’ll-
INTERVIEWER: … excuse me…?
ME: I’ll even dance naked in front of you now while singing The Crazy Frog-
INTERVIEWER: STOP IT!
ME: Make you want me… for the job… not that way…
ME: Oh, crap.
*5 minutes of awkward silence follows*
INTERVIEWER: Can you do me a favor? Put your shirt back on. It’s not a pretty sight.
ME: Oh, yes… Sorry… I… I didn’t get the job, did I?
ME: This is the part where I leave your office in shame and never return, right?
ME: No…? You mean…?
INTERVIEWER: This is the part where I get you a Restraining Order. Now get the hell out of here.