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Drugstore Clerk Etiquette for Condom-buying Customers

I swear, condom-buying is already as stressful as it is: you have to walk around the store pretending to be buying something totally unrelated, hence you have to pick up random shit like deodorants and paper clips and toenail clippers and toothpaste and merely pretend to stumble upon the condom by accident in case that hot girl you’ve been eying the moment you walked into the store has been looking at you and think that you’re a perv.

Then you have to lug around your totally unnecessary stuff which you will have to shell out a few hundred bucks for, and when the clerk scans your stuff and gets to the condom, she’d guffaw like crazy, point at you, and with her loud loud voice, announce to the entire shop that you just bought a condom, and unbelievable as it sounds because you look a little like John Candy with a creepy pedo-beard, you’re going to get laid. Finally.

Also, you might think that it happened to me. You are so wrong. It happened to a… friend. Named Schmade.


Schmade

I don’t know about you, but shouldn’t drugstore clerks have some sort of etiquette for condom-buying customers? I honestly don’t think loyal condom-buying patrons would appreciate being given strange looks by drugstore staff and then getting laughed at. Loudly.

Won’t it be better if you present a pack of condoms to the counter, you’d be greeted with a smile (a warm and customer-friendly smile) and a canned spiel (a warm and customer-friendly spiel) along the lines of “Thank you for your condom purchase, sir. May I suggest upselling you to this other more expensive brand? It’s ribbed for her pleasure!” And if they sense that the buyer is a nervous first-timer, they’d even give helpful tips (warm, customer-friendly tips) on how to put it on and use it. Or maybe they’d even offer you some hands-on help (warm, customer-friendly hands-on help) putting it on even.

putting a condom on

So Schmade here tells of his experience to his girlfriend. No, not the secks, but of the getting laughed at by the drugstore clerk. You see, he was hoping to get some sympathy and get a little pity secks in the process. But the thing is, Schmade told me that the girlfriend was too busy laughing at him to show some empathy. Secks was obviously out of the question.

DISCLAIMER: Any similarities between Schmade and any person, living, dead, or named Ade, is purely coincidental.

EDIT: I just realized that my aunt and two uncles read my blog. Fuck.

23 Comments

  1. Joaquin

    When I was a lot younger in my late teens, I had my trials and tribulations when buying condoms.. Here is how I solved the issue one time.

    I went in and got a couple of things I didn't need, as you mentioned.. I grabbed like a 36 assorted pack (I was ever the optimist back then) and proceeded to the check out. Mind you, this was in Canada, and in their giant drug stores, there are lots of people shopping there for all sorts of things.

    Anyway, the cashier was this nasty middle aged woman with a huge chip on her shoulder, rolling her eyes, and talking loudly about how tired she was, blah, blah.. I was in "one of those moods" myself that day, and wouldn't you know, when she got to me, she looked up at me and gave me this condescending stare and smirked some wisecrack like, "How are you going to use up all of these?" Without missing a beat, I just shot back, "Not sure, you wanna come back to my place and use a few up?" … She turned the darkest shade of red imaginable, and without another word, quickly handed me the change , receipt and bag… Everyone in the line was howling with laughter.

    • Ade

      Now that's a comeback! This has been like the best comment on my blog EVER. Thanks for dropping by!

  2. Poi

    unga. most countries would have condom vending machines sa male CR. hehe. Dito tissue lang meron.

    hehe. Ma-ipropose nga sa isang mall owner. Kya lang baka maging issue sa simbahan. naku.

    Dropping by. First time here. 🙂

    Poi's last blog post..Toilet Thoughts on Kindness

  3. LOL. funny.

    I remember the way I got treated when I bought a pack for the first time in a grocery (beause i don't buy the "I-forgot-to-buy-one-eh-can-we-just-do-it-without-a-condom" sh*t). It was in philcoa near UPD. It was all i bought from the store and the cashier lady exclaimed in a loud voice "magkano ba itong condom, eto ba talaga ang presyo nito?" while waving the pack around for everyone to see.

    I laughed goodnaturedly like I wasn't pissed but when the bagger asked me "sa yo toh miss?" I answered (also in a loud voice)…

    Oo, akin yan, ayaw ko pang maging balyena kagaya nya… ("Yeah, that's mine, I am not ready to look like a whale like her yet") *points to the cashier*

    Watta b*tch eh? LOL

    Evil Woobie's last blog post..Love Issues: Is Unconditional Love Really Unconditional?

  4. Toe

    Dear Ade Shmade, maybe the clerk is laughing because she can't believe you have a girlfriend? 🙂 Peace! 🙂

    Toe's last blog post..Good-Bye Cambodia

  5. I've never gotten weird looks before but if someone did that to me, I'd probably say… "at least I'm getting some!"

    jiggsfoo's last blog post..jiggsfoo: Richard Dawkins reads him emails: http://tinyurl.com/68od8j I love how he pronounces stubborn as stew-born.

  6. i usually let my 3-year old son "grab" it off the counter for me, telling him it's a balloon we'll blow up later.

    ralphot's last blog post..Nikon D90. Great, now i’ll have to rob a bank…

  7. lol … imagine getting in a store with a friend (boy) and he's buying some condoms… and you're a girl… haha

    kenna's last blog post..Schwit

  8. I'm not surprised if they see that you're young, they tend to give you that weird looks.

    Pero if they find out you're married (e.g the ring in your finger), they won't mind it at all. Minsan kse ako nabili, mukhang oks nman they don't give you that "oh gosh you're gonna make love tonight..tonight..tonigh!!!" kind of look.

    Ang Balasubas's last blog post..Prepare Everything Before You Begin

  9. RJ

    Thank god I just leech/steal from my pervy uncles.

  10. But this entry isn't about you. It's about your friend Schmade! Boo you shouldn't have edited shit out.

    Lauren's last blog post..Rules to Staying Sane

  11. next time buy it wholesale! that way less stares. lol

    I've never seen anyone buy condoms before. hm. wonder if i'd react.

    cigarette-girl's last blog post..trip to the hot springs

  12. Srsly, I don't get why people who buy condoms get weird looks. Hindi na ba uso ang safe sex?

    Hi to Tito and Tita Ade! LOLz.

    Jewel's last blog post..Waaarrhhllyyyy

    • Ade

      I dunno, maybe because Schmade looks like he'd pass out in the first five minutes of the act?

  13. It happened to me once. But as I recall, I was with another obese male friend and they thought we were a "couple". I hate those moronic clerks.

    Anyway, I usually buy multiple packs at a time and hide it under the car seat. Thus lessening my mini stop or 711 encounters. Hmm.. might as well write an entry about reactions by people who discovered my stash.

    avatar's last blog post..69. Diet Update: Series part 3/3 What is my next battle plan

  14. I agree with joyfulchicken, vending machines chuck-full of condoms in all shapes, sizes, flavors and what-nots should be alongside every other vending machines in this country.

    I have never gotten that "OMFG, this geek just bought a condom, he's finally getting laid!" look in all the times I bought one. It's because I just stepped up to the clerk and even asked where the condoms are, went over there, picked the one I liked and returned to pay for them.

    Sindakan lang kumbaga. hahahaha

    (PS, I just hope my Jesuit friends don't get to read this comment of mine. :P)

    jhay's last blog post..Eraserheads Reunion concert is still on

  15. When will this country get condom vending machines?

    joyfulchicken's last blog post..Fuck Canada

  16. I know I should say poor Ade but I think I'm with your girlfriend on this one.

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