Me and my girlfriend of two weeks have fallen apart. She’s seeing somebody else now. And I’m stuck here in my room, bawling my eyes out. Whatever shall I do?
– Lost Soul
Dear Lost Soul:
I suggest that you go back to your room and bawl some more. Then you can write poetry. Make sure that all your poems have the words "painful" , "sad", "lost", and other synonyms on them. Then you can form a band with your friends who are just as miserable as you. Make sure your guitarists know only three chords. You can get an awesome drummer, but you have to waste his talents by giving him songs with no variations at all. You guys can turn your poems into songs. Then you guys will become rich and famous, get drunk and stoned every night and all that stuff.
But you still don’t have a girlfriend. And you NEVER will.
Why is the world such a hard place? Why is the world making me suffer? Why is the world forcing me to wear black and listen to Emo Music? Whatever should I do?
– Self-Confessed Loser
Dear Self-Confessed Loser:
Three words: Down the Highway. Hope that’s clear enough.
I was very suicidal and emo for the last three years. However, I got myself a boyfriend and for the last week I have been… happy. I don’t know what happened, but I’m actually glad that I’m alive and I want to live more. What’s wrong with me?
You are a poser.
But don’t worry, within a month you and your boyfriend’s relationship will turn sour. If that doesn’t happen, do something stupid and he’ll leave you for good.
Then you can go emo again.
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