Down The Highway, Featured Post

Down The Highway: An Advice Column for Emos 3

DearDtH,

I am lonely. I have not had a boyfriend in years, and if I do meet a guy that I like, he obviously does not like me. I mean, I haven’t had a chance to talk to him yet, but I’m sure that he already abhors me. It’s the law of this crappy universe.

Whenever a guy I like walks towards me, I already walk away. C’mon, I know what he’s planning to do already. He’ll make fun of me. Better to forget him than be insulted again.

xxEmo_Cutiexx

Dear xxEmo_Cutiexx,

Before I give you my advice, let me get this off my chest:

I hate you.

Ok, now that that little bit of information is out of the way, I will start dispensing my advice.

You are absolutely right in thinking that all guys will make fun of you and your ugly mug. Who’d want you for a girlfriend? You are NOT cute. You’re ugly. You wear black. Your overly thick eyeliner runs. You have too much leather and metal stubs on your body, and I mean that in a non-BDSM way. You listen to crap like Simple Plan. You’re somebody people will steer clear away from.

What? I’m not helping? I’m just telling the truth. I’m not some effin’ advice columnist.

Oh, wait, I am one.

Never mind. I still hate you anyway. Next.



Dear DtH,

I have known this girl for quite some time now. We spend every moment together, and she is really special. I can’t help it; I’ve fallen in love with her!

And on the day I’ve planned to admit my feelings for her, I find out that she’s seeing somebody else.

A million scenarios ran through my head. Thoughts of how I could kill the guy, or to make him hurt so badly he’d wish he was never born. He’d cry out for his mom, and upon seeing how much of a wimp the guy is, the girl would run to me. And I’d dump her.

But DtH, I did something a only true emo would only do: I locked myself up in my room, and bawled my eyes out. For a week. Aren’t you proud of me?

But I’m still lonely. Can you help me find happiness?

sEnSiTiVe_gUy_986

Dear sEnSiTiVe_gUy_986,

Why the hell are you doing looking for happiness? You’d never know happiness even if it stripped naked in front of you while dancing the Macarena. And even if you do figure it out, you’re still emo. You’d cry and whimper like nothing else matters.

Do what you always do best: go to your room, cry like a girl, grab a knife from your kitchen, and post pictures of your slashed wrists on your emo-riffic blog.

And oh, you call yourself sensitive? You’re not. You’re a wimp.

There, there. Aren’t you feeling better already?



Dear DtH,

OMG m so leik emo 2day!!! u c, mAh eX-bOo cAmE 2 mAh houze 2 ask me bak, bt i leik turnd him dwn.

his leik, jOlogz kAyaH! pErO m sTil iN lUv wid hM nOh! i DuNnO y, bt he is so pogi… sobra! hE lUkZ jUz leik yAeL yUzOn! *kilig kilig kiliiiiiig*

s0 wEn he lEfT d hAuS, i cRyd. OMG i mis Him n0h!

pEw0 i kNw we cNt b. he s so leik kUriPoT aNd so B.O.! leik, hEllEr?! s0 i leik pLaYd mah c0ll3Cti0n f LiNkiN pArK n bAcKsTrEeT b0yZ CDs 2 mAkE d pAiN gO aWaY.

DtH rox f0r3vAh!

m/
rockerchix

Dear rockerchix,

OMGWTFBBQ!

Are you from another planet? Because I think you’ve sent me a letter written in a language not recognizable by humans. I tried deciphering it, but my brain overloaded from the effort. So that I won’t get an aneurysm, I will simply shred your letter without reading it. You may come back to me when your English proficiency goes up to respectable levels. Go away.


I’m actually wondering when emos would find this series and start sending me hate mail.

But in the meantime, if you are feeling even a bit emo, you may send me your emo letters to noisynoisyman [at] gmail [dot] com, and I’d PWN you give you advice right away.

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39 Comments

  1. jv_girl

    [quote comment="1060"]hehe, bakit di tumitino yung mga emo na nagpapadala sa iyo ng email?

    i hope they learn. hehe.[/quote]

    oh nooo..I wish them not to stop. They brighten my day^^ i still do hope they'd learn..i'm sure they will! thanks to Dth!!! LOL!

  2. MFW

    Sad. Oh so very sad.

  3. you are so damn funny.

    how you manage to mix wit, sarcasm and humor in all your posts.. i would never know. ;p

    thanks for the million laughs and God bless 😉

  4. Why do i get the feeling that you were talking about me? Maybe coz i do get emo every now and then but not like the ones on your post…i'm much2x worse LOLS amusing post by the way 😀

  5. Hahaha, this was hilarious

  6. Haha! ZOMFGBBQ!~

    The last letter made my day. Salamat. xD

  7. gaaad! it kills me. haha *nde ako emo ah!*

  8. ade

    [Comment ID #1113 Will Be Quoted Here]

    I just google 'em, my friend. 😉

  9. Where do you get those photos?

  10. ade

    [Comment ID #1085 Will Be Quoted Here]

    erm… another one.

    [Comment ID #1092 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Thanks! I've been reading your site for a while. Am lovin' it.

    [Comment ID #1093 Will Be Quoted Here]

    I hate emo-ism as an attitude. The music rocks, if they don't whine all the time.

    [Comment ID #1094 Will Be Quoted Here]

    I'm with you.

  11. Emo? Makes me turn green and wanna throw up. ^v^

  12. may emo ba na nakikinig ng backstreet boys?

    ade, if you hate emo, does this mean hip-hop ka? hmmm…

  13. Hah I never understood what emo really is. This is really funny.

  14. ang haba ng mga MMK. thanks sa comment!

  15. oops. sorry. i thought you were a girl. my mind is really tangled up right now. im sorry.

  16. if those are emo, then my problem is super emo. how do i send you an emo letter? i really want some advices from the opposite sex and i think you are a girl so there you are. Help!

  17. I've got just one thing to say:

    That's so kaka…! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!

  18. AARON

    EMOOOOOO

    'mah gawd'.

  19. [Comment ID #1076 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Onga! Nakakairita! noh! leik noh!

    so leik noh!

  20. Hahahah!! I think everyone is a little emo. Wag lang sana over.

    BTW. I hate that girl na sobra kung maka type upper to lower case. Nak ng teteng!!!

    Naduling mata ko!!

  21. Hahaha. interesting. what's with all the emo's?

    Real emos don't go tell people they're emo.

    🙂

  22. len

    wahahhahahaha, grabeeeee kala ko truly madly deeply yang mga yan…. nyahahahaha…neway, ung mga ganyang emo…. eh nakakaloka as in bk pti ako mapa emo sa kanila…. wahahahahaha….

  23. Alam ko na kung bakit wala pang nagpapadala sa iyo ade, masyado sila emo para matapos yung sulat nila.

    They either cut themselves (again) or just shrivel to the corner of their room once their letter gets too emo, hehehe

  24. yen

    DTH strikes again… pucha dko dn naintidihan ung last letter.. ang labo.. anu b yung leik n yan… ang arte ng spelling..

  25. ade

    [Comment ID #1074 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Uh… thanks, sis, but I'm a bro…

  26. nao

    love can wait sis.
    it sure will.
    at the right place, right time
    and right everything.

  27. ie

    i’d say the last one is the best. panalo talaga. (i kinda remembered your post about the people you hate in the blog world, and she is a combination of many of the stereotypes you mentioned). :]

    and by the wya, after three dths, i’m sure no true-blue emo would even dare. ha ha. :]

  28. I hate it most when I see people typing/writing LikE tHiS.. 🙁

  29. Ouch!!!!!!!!!!!! and i was LeIk making isip of wrting you pa naman.. HmMp! nyahaha!!

  30. Heyyy…where's my letter? I sent you an awful lot but you never published any single one of them! [/pout]

    I knew it, you never liked me…AT ALL! For that Im gonna stab myself with tiny pins on my wrist ('coz slitting hurts, you know?) until I die of hemorrhage! See if you can still find a friend like me! [/pout]

  31. ade

    [Comment ID #1062 Will Be Quoted Here]

    I just ignored him and he stopped bothering me. You should do the same for yours.

    [Comment ID #1063 Will Be Quoted Here]

    EXACTLY!!! Also, blogging about it purges me of my emoness.

    [Comment ID #1064 Will Be Quoted Here]

    oo nga eh. kailan kaya may magpapadala?

  32. There’s a lot of things to do in life for one lost soul to get busy. Just find ways. Reading Kitchen Confidential (by Tony Bourdain) may help. The classics, too.

  33. I think listening Linkin Park and Backstreet Boys would make anyone emo. LOL

  34. haha… im so emo YoU know LiKE im So ewan. haha sana may magpadala talaga para astig.. haha

  35. 3 emos down, many to go. the world will be a better place without ’em. 🙂

  36. ric

    hehehe … nice one!

  37. Emo's…you can't kill all of them so you might as well blog about them. hehehe

  38. You never seized to amaze me! 🙂 This is so funny! I've to prepare for a big party tonight and blog about it when I'm somber… hehehe 🙂 By the way, what happened to the stalker?

  39. hehe, bakit di tumitino yung mga emo na nagpapadala sa iyo ng email?

    i hope they learn. hehe.

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