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Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I know you’ve ignored me for the last 23 years of my life and I’m not happy about it. I don’t think I deserve that varying amount of lint you often put in my Christmas stocking, if you bother to put something at all. I’ve been a very good kid and I don’t know why you’ve been so mean to me.


I know you didn’t like it when I put a couple of bear traps under my Christmas tree and you fell for it. I mean, I’ve never seen any childhood hero curse that much in my lifetime. And I’m sorry for the time I slipped ativan into the milk.

If you had read the note I left inside my stocking YOUR milk was inside the fridge. The ativan was for Mrs. Santa.

Also, didn’t you like the gift I left for you every year? You know, that Playgirl David Hasselhoff Swimsuit Edition that you seem to not notice and leave behind? You’re not fooling anyone, Santa. I could see minuscule specks of your beard between the pages. You know, those small, thin, curly white hairs?

I mean, after all we’ve been through, you’re still ignoring me. Remember that time I was playing around with the TV and I accidentally sent a message to the Martians?

Ok, maybe it wasn’t exactly the best of messages, but still, I was able to invite those Martians over. Yeah, they went over for the wrong reasons, but still. And, well, maybe I scared the hell out of my fellow earthlings because the Martians brought with them those gigantic dildos they call “Harry Potter Vibrating Broomsticks.”

Ah shit, I really messed up there, I know, so I had to team up with you to save the day. I thought we had a real laugh driving those Martians away. Ok, so maybe since I was also fat we kinda put a strain on your sleigh, but since you didn’t bring a shitload of toys with you during that time I thought there wouldn’t be a problem. And I’m also sorry about the time I panicked and I grabbed Rudolph’s leash a little too hard. At least we found out that we can actually do wheelies in that heap you call your sleigh.

I certainly hope Rudolph’s out of the coma by now.

After that event I thought you’d be able to finally notice my existence and put something aside from lint in my stockings. But no, you filled it with lint again, just like you did every year.

I was just asking for one gift. Just. One. One Dora Aquapet.

Is that too much to ask for?

So I am writing you one last time because I am so frustrated and disappointed with you. I am cutting off all ties whatsoever with you. Don’t worry, your secrets are safe with me. Especially that time you thought you were landing in George Michael’s house and you accidentally landed in a gay bar. On the stage. And everybody (including the stripper) thought it was part of the act. I won’t tell anyone you were so “embarrassed” and decided to play along.

You fucked up my childhood. If you see me now and you are disappointed I am posting obscene jokes on the internet, it’s all your fault.

No hard feelings, ok Santa? Have a Merry Christmas.

Love,
Ade

P.S.
Asshole.

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32 Comments

  1. merry christmas 🙂

  2. JV

    Maligayang Pasko, Ade! 🙂

  3. Happy Xmas skulmeyt!

  4. someone told that you can see santa in alcolohic anonymous meetings in cubao

    happy christmas (extended hand oped palm position) lolz

  5. Happy Christmas !

  6. Another one… Amish porn???

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Bwahahahahaha again times 99.

    Dude, that's exactly what i was thinking about 9 years ago (which means I was 9 years old) after reading its connotation box (merely a 2×1 sized box) in a Dorling Kindersley factopedia book about the conservatively classic lifestyle of these Protestants. You are such a pervert. Hahaha. Like me. Hahahaha.

    Lol.

  7. Sheesh… I boogied my eyed on the Dora Aquapet… i mean… f*ck! What the hell happened to its designer? My dad (abroad) laughed so hard.

    —-

    F. F. F. Allelujiah to your gay santa post.

    Joyeux noel ade!

  8. [quote comment="10631"][quote comment="10629"]THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING MEAN TO CAROLLERS.[/quote]

    i'm mean to carolers because Santa was so mean to me! Why is everyone mean to me?! Is it because I'm a Jew?! *sobs*[/quote]

    Kike =p

  9. Jam

    Haha.

    Anyway, ade, your theme is broken in IE?

  10. hay santa. shit.

  11. Hillarious! I have a tamer, though lamer, version. And it's not even something I composed myself. ^v^

  12. haha na-atiban ni santa, very funny….

  13. [quote comment="10670"]

    No. Because you're a COMMUNIST Jew![/quote]

    Nah. I think it's just because he's a Jew. A lonely Jew.

    Don't waste your time with that old fart. He never answers my letters too. He sent me a note once.

    "BE NICE!"

    Pfft. Whatta tool.

  14. [quote comment="10631"]

    i'm mean to carolers because Santa was so mean to me! Why is everyone mean to me?! Is it because I'm a Jew?! *sobs*[/quote]

    No. Because you're a COMMUNIST Jew!

  15. ade

    [quote comment="10629"]THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING MEAN TO CAROLLERS.[/quote]

    i'm mean to carolers because Santa was so mean to me! Why is everyone mean to me?! Is it because I'm a Jew?! *sobs*

  16. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING MEAN TO CAROLLERS.

  17. Holy hell I think I just peed my pants! That’s what a Dora Aquapet looks like?

    Amish porn? Dude, that’s just sick! LOL.

    Santa Claus is one fucked-up saint, alright. Pfft.

  18. Oh stop it. Hanukkah is much more fun.

  19. Hehehe.. you're not alone.. i think .. mm.. somebody should replace Santa..??!!

    Merry Xmas!

  20. Mae

    hahaha ang kulit ng post mo 😀

  21. Rob

    OMG! wahaha! naught naughty santa! lolz @ the pics!

    i'll add u to my list ha.

  22. LOL. magaling magaling.. >,

  23. Oh my gosh, my cousins' have an aquapet but it isn't Dora.. I love it! It's so cute.. but you know, that picture.. i mean the angle shot of it.. looks err.. you know.. hahhaha!!

  24. JV

    Dear Santa,

    What a lovely designed "dildo" / "vibrator"! And Santa, I didn't know that you are that horny. Have a Merry Christmas.

    Love,

    XXX

    Ahahhah! You make me laugh Ade! 😆

  25. Hi! nice blog! hehehe nakakatuwa talaga

  26. I'm sure there's a scientific explanation for this Ade. I'll look into it as well. (Argh! I keep on adding tasks to my to-do-list)

  27. I didn't know vibrators come in such (pa-)cute designs!

  28. Lily

    @about your comment in my website

    "I could just imagine you being googly-eyed :p"

    ganun? hahahahaha

    @your entry…

    You made LOLz!!! kasalanan pa ni Santa kung bakit ka ganyan! kawawang santa… Ok.. Santa is mean to me too!!! My sympathy is with you..hehehe

  29. teeheehee, funny post. 😀 thanks for dropping by my blog, btw.

  30. christmas IS designed for children. santa ISN't. 😉

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