Stuff, The Man Blog

Congratulations! You Have Herpes!

You’re sitting in your doctor’s office. The cheerfulness of the receptionist, the sunlight streaming through the windows like some cheesy movie, and the general normalcy of it all does nothing to assuage the clammy feeling you have in your stomach. That feeling that you usually get before something bad happens, just like the time you put your bird in the vacuum pump of that pool two years back. It’s been bugging you for the last week already, and you would like to know already what the hell is wrong with you.

The test results come in. You fear the worst, but you hold the test results in your hand, hoping against hope that your suspicions aren’t true. But there it is, that one word in bold black ink against the stark white paper.

Yes, just one word, and yet you feel your life has ended. That word is: POSITIVE.

CONGRATULATIONS! You have a herpes!

OH MY GOD A HERPES! But where did you get it? You think hard. There are only five possible sources of herpes in the world:

  • Penis
  • Blacks
  • That drunkard next door
  • Paris Hilton
  • Your mom


You, after herpes

I guess it’s time for you to prepare to live your new life as a herpate. The best way of living with herpes is to have secks. To spread the love around. But when you have herpes, there are only a select few you can have secks with:

  • Randy Jackson
  • Barbara Streisand
  • Hello Kitty
  • Blacks
  • Your mom

So you hide out in your room for the next few days. Why, you think, why must this horrid fate befall you? You think back to the time in kindergarten where you picked on those girls in the playground by biting off their dolls’ heads and setting their panties on fire. Why, those girls were so mad at you.

“You’re so mean,” they cried. “You’ll get herpes someday!”

“You bet I will,” you reply back. “FROM YOU!”

Well, whaddaya fucking know.

Also, now that you have herpes, in order to prevent the infection from spreading, you must refrain from having secks with:

  • Little kids
  • Dogs
  • Mexicans
  • Lindsay Lohan
  • Your mom

And because you are now part of The Herpes Club, I guess it’s about time we present you with this certificate… of Love.

20 Comments

  1. bryce

    The picture of me after finding out I have herpes is pretty funny. You are right Paris Hilton is the one who gave them to me. Damn her to hell.

  2. @Richmond

    Singaw is different from Herpes simplex. And they look very different from each other.

    Singaw are actually aphthous ulcers, located in the inner mucosa of the oral cavity. Herpes simplex virus produce oral ulcers, usually located in the corner of the mouth or in the upper and lower lips.

  3. LOL Hello Kitty does NOT have herpes! & double LOL at the Chuck Palahniuk reference. That short story ruined my life this year.

  4. that's a scary award!

  5. Herpes Certificate? Ok I'm outta here. Baibai.

  6. Singaw is herpes simples in the mouth.

  7. Interesting story. Though I rather choke on bunnies than get herpes.

  8. Who wil refrain from having secks with LOhan .. NO one..

  9. Refrain from having secks with Lindsay HOhan? RUBBISH!

  10. throw in rex navarete's sound byte for xxxtra fun!!!11one

  11. Ade

    [quote comment="70548"]Note to self: stay away from Paris Hilton, Hello Kitty and Lindsay Lohan[/quote]

    Also, Mexicans. ktnxbai.

  12. Note to self: stay away from Paris Hilton, Hello Kitty and Lindsay Lohan

  13. scary..

    stick to your wife or make it safe, OR, don't take the risk at all.

  14. ZOMG YOU HAVE HERPES?!

    *intentionally misunderstanding the post*

  15. Bim Bim Bim Bim Bim.

  16. Lindsay Lohan probably already has herpes too. So it's okay to have secks with her. Sharing the love!!

  17. That's one certificate I wouldn't like to receive. Treatment is too damn expensive. Haha.

  18. Ade

    [quote comment="70427"]Spoken like a benevolent and proud member of the herpate consortium. You must feel good now that this secret is out in the wild. Good for you. I herpy that you are herpy. Congrats Ade![/quote]

    Dude, you misread the article. It says YOU have herpes.

  19. Spoken like a benevolent and proud member of the herpate consortium. You must feel good now that this secret is out in the wild. Good for you. I herpy that you are herpy. Congrats Ade!

  20. I remember telling you about one of your banner ads – it says "H-date – dating for people with herpes".

    H Date

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