Just so you know, I am such a big Harry Potter nerd; in fact, I once considered having somebody carve a lightning-shaped wound on my “magic wand” with a razor, so I’d get the characteristically-shaped scar when it heals. I still can’t understand why she wouldn’t agree to that.

Also, I actually stayed offline the night before just to make sure I don’t get to read spoilers like Bellatrix kills Dobby on the interwebs, because I don’t like to have my reading experience ruined.

So I walked into Powerbooks Megamall last July 21, with the intent to purchase a copy of the much-awaited Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows. The lady at the door greeted me a good morning.

“Lord Voldemort does not wish to defile his pureblood self by mingling with filthy Muggles,” I replied.

She shot me a dirty look. Shoot dirty looks on your future ruler, eh?

I decided to let it go, in fact, I am not gonna waste an Avada Kedavra on her, the last thing I need is to have a flash of green light and a dead saleslady to have these nerds in Powerbooks panic all around and cause a stampede or something. I mean, nerd stampede. Ewww. So I keep my wand safely in my pocket protector and move on.

I couldn’t keep my excitement inside. I just had to tell somebody, anybody, how awesome I think this book is gonna get. I strike a conversation with the nice lady in front of me, who is wearing Griffyndor robes and seems to be fidgeting every five minutes.

“Um, excuse me, miss?” I ask.

She turns to me, and flashes a big smile back. I continue with “I really think this book is gonna rock.”

“Oh yes! I mean, I’ve been following this series since the beginning and I’m excited to read how it ends!” she replies, rather enthusiastically.

“Oh yes. I rather think it’s awesome especially when I’m gonna read about the part where Fred Weasley dies on page 637!”

She stares at me, eyes wide. If I weren’t too excited about the book, I would’ve noticed that she was about to cry.

“Also, Hermione marries Ron. I mean, it’s totally predictable, because Hermione is hot and all and she loves underage drinking. I mean, look at her.”

Underage drinking

“Um, sir? Please stop now…”

“Harry Potter’s gay, you know? He marries Ginny. I mean, what does Ginny got against Hermione? Hermione’s really hot. How could Harry look at this and not want Hermione?”

“Harry’s not gay…” she replies, voice shaking.

“Oh yes he is.”

Harry Potter is gay!

So she bursts into tears and calls me a “mudblood” and threatened to “hunt me down wherever foxhole I may live in and she will bring the full wrath of the Order of the Phoenix on me and she will rip off my right testicle herself (just how many times have females threathened me with that?) and feed it to a Hippogriff”. She then runs away.

It was so wrong! I was just showing how excited I was for Harry Potter and then she cried! It wasn’t supposed to be this way!

“Wait!” I called out. “I’m just sharing with you how awesome Harry Potter will be! Aw c’mon miss, don’t run away, you won’t get your copy of the book! You won’t read about the part where Voldemort kills Harry! Wait!”

Having lost a potential friend (and possible sexy time), I dejectedly walk over to the cashier and pay for my copy of Book 7. Now Imma read the part where Harry gets resurrected and Voldemort’s spells backfire ensuring Harry’s victory.

WARNING: This article may contain spoilers. Read at your own discretion.

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