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Brokeback Mountain in 15 Minutes

WARNING: REALLY LONG POST. NO KIDDING.

I was going to do an entry about Brokeback Mountain today, but seeing that the Man Blog already beat me to it (yes, I’m bitter), I’m gonna post it some other day.

What the hell, here we go.

Brokeback Mountain

I went to see Brokeback with my girlfriend. I must say it was well made; however, I think there was something missing. Before you say “more gay sex”, that’s not it. I think that for the length and pace of the movie, it didn’t give itself time to sink into the audience. I left the theater saying “That was it?”. I guess I raised my expectations too much. Always happens when I watch Ang Lee flicks.

Here are some things that they could have changed with Brokeback that would have made it into a much better movie:

Brokeback Mountain in 15 Minutes


***
OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER:
This entry contains content not suitable for minors.
If you are a minor this warning is put up for you
to find the unsuitable content better.
***

Ennis is sitting beside a trailer. A car comes up, and Jack goes out of it and poses… weirdly.

Jack: Hi, I’m Jack Fuckin’ Twist. For the first half of the film I’ll be looking at you with meaningful glances, do poses that will make my crotch bulge, and chase after men. Especially you, you hot piece of man. For the next half, I’ll grow a mustache, a pot belly, and act just like a total perv.

Ennis: Hi, I’m Ennis del Mar. For the rest of the film my accent will make every thing that comes out of my mouth unintelligible.

Jack: Erm… cool.


Inside Boss’ Trailer

Boss: I want the two of you to go to Brokeback Mountain and take care of my sheep.

Ennis: So that’s all we have to do?

Boss: No, I want the two of you to be bored like hell so when you get uncontrollable sexual urges you’ll have to do it on each other.

Jack: We can’t do it to the sheep?

Boss: Do it on the mumbling hot piece of man beside you.

Ennis: No way. I’m getting married when I get down from Brokeback.

Jack: I’ll break your back, you hot piece of man.

Ennis: What?

Jack: …nothing.

On Brokeback Mountain. Night. Ennis is shivering. Jack is inside a tent.

Jack: Come inside before you freeze to death, you hot piece of man.

Ennis: *mumble mumble mumble*

Jack: *kisses*

Ennis: WTF?! I ain’t queer, man!

Jack: So am I.

Ennis: Really? Then take your pants off. We’re both straight anyway.

*CENSORED*

Audience: *barfs*

Otakus: Wee! Yaoi! *SQUEEE!*

Ade: Yay! Buttsex!

Ade’s Girlfriend: …I’m scarred for life.


Ennis is getting married to Alma.

Priest: You may now kiss the bride. If you don’t I’ll kiss her myself.

Ennis: I’ll kiss YOU, you hot piece of man.

Priest: I would be mightily offended if I can only understand what you’re saying.

Alma: … I think there’s something wrong with my husband.

At a bar. Jack Twist is drowning out his sorrows in whiskey.

Jack: *cries* I miss Ennis. *cries* Oooh, that guy on the other side of the bar is hot. SQUEEE!

Guy: …get away from me.

Jack: Dammit. I miss Ennis. *cries*

Lureen: Hey cowboy, I’m Lureen! I’m a rich kid! I’m a rodeo queen! I’m a former teen star but now I do nude scenes! I’ll change my hair color scene after scene! Want a piece of me?

Jack: …Ennis who?

Jack and Lureen making out in car.

Lureen: Well, what are you waiting for?

Jack: Waittasec… You’re not a guy… but what the hell… Rawr!

*CENSORED*

Lureen: *SQUEEE!!!*

Audience: Yay! Boobies!

Ade’s Girlfriend: At least Ade isn’t cheering for buttsex anymo-

Ade: More buttsex! Wee!

Ade’s Girlfriend: …

Ennis’ house, years after Brokeback.

Ennis: Hmm… a postcard from Jack.

Postcard: Let’s go back to Brokeback, you hot piece of man.

Ennis: Hey honey, me and Jack will go to Brokeback and make out… I mean, go fishing. Yep, that’s it. Fishing. Totally fishing.

Alma: Ok, you can go and make out… I mean, go fishing. Yep, that’s it. Fishing. Totally fishing. Even though your five-year old fishing rod still has its price tag on.

Ennis: Mmmmm… Fishing rod… *drools*

Alma: …

Jack: Ennis! I’m here!

Ennis: *jumps like a fangirl* Jack Fuckin’ Twist! *hugs*

Alma: How come he never does THAT to me?!

Jack & Ennis: *kisses passionately*

Alma: …I’m screwed.


At Brokeback Mountain, 20 years later.

Jack: I now have a moustache and a potbelly. I look like some pervy creepy old guy. But Ennis, damn, you’re still looking young, you hot piece of man. How do you do it?!

Ennis: My wife divorced me, took my kids, and put my life savings on child support. I’m living in a house that looks like a garbage dump. My wife is now married to a guy who looks like a CareBears reject, and she actually knows what we’re really doing when we’re… Fishing. Yep, that’s it. Fishing. Totally fishing. You better try it one of these days.

Jack: You never have time for me! *cries* I wish I knew how to quit you.

Ennis: *foreheadslap*

At the post office. Enis is looking at the latest postcard from Jack.

Postcard: Ennis, let’s meet up again and go… fishing. Yep, that’s it. Fishing. Totally fishing.

Ennis: How come this postcard is stamped “DECEASED”?

Postcard: It means your boyfriend is dead, moron.

Ennis: No fair! I want my postcards to be marked that way too!

Postcard: …

Ennis’ house.

Alma Jr.: Dad, I’m getting married to Chuck. Can you go to my wedding?

Ennis: So, is this Chuck guy of yours hot?

Alma Jr.: DA-AAD!!!

Ennis: No way. I’m going… fishing. Yep, that’s it. Fishing. Totally fishing.

Alma Jr.: But Jack’s dead.

Ennis: Dammit. OK then.

Alma Jr.: SQUEEE!!! JUMP JUMP JUMP! HUG HUG HUG!

Ennis: Ok kid, now leave ‘coz I’m gonna look at the jacket of my dead boyfriend and emote.

Alma Jr.: SQUEEE!!! JUMP JUMP JUMP! HUG HUG HUG!

Ennis: Leave me alone! I have to do my big scene where I barely cry!

Alma Jr.: SQUEEE!!! JUMP JUMP JUMP! HUG HUG HUG!

Ennis: Stop it kid! We have to end this movie!

Alma Jr.: SQUEEE!!! JUMP JUMP JUMP! HUG HUG HUG! *leaves*


Ennis looks at Jack’s jacket.

Ennis: Jack, I’m supposed to be saying something meaningful right now, but I’m mumbling in my annoying accent so you won’t understand what I’m saying. But if I ever get to see you again in that big Brokeback Mountain in the sky, let’s go… fishing. Yep, that’s it. Fishing. Totally fishing.

THE END

33 Comments

  1. Oh man, LMAO. Great post!

    David's last blog post..A Good Fishing Story

  2. Ain

    am i late? *glances around*

    yep, i guess i am, haha.

    that 15 mins version of bbm is really helluva funny and i know it's all in the name of fun so eventhough i am a hardcore maniac when it comes down to bbm i thought what you wrote reflected more truth than what the fans would like to think, haha.

    and yes, i agree, there should've been more BUTTSEX!

  3. LOOOL great way of makin it into 15 minutes! The movie is banned here (Arabia) 🙂

  4. Grammy awards? lol.

    It's an ok film, but I really liked Crash a lot more. It's the usual forbidden love story that has already been overused to kingdom come.

  5. ade

    [Comment ID #250 Will Be Quoted Here]

    i don't think i'd want to watch that…

  6. I haven't seen the movie but after reading your very insightful review, I don't think I can watch it. 🙂

    I heard Part 2 is under way. This time, it will include Batista and Hulk Hogan 🙂

  7. ade

    [Comment ID #242 Will Be Quoted Here]

    I'd love to, but Pau is scaring me. lol.

  8. You should write for TMB. 😉

  9. ade

    [Comment ID #235 Will Be Quoted Here]

    huh?

  10. eversince i heard about that movie at the golden globes, ive been dying to watch it. my boyfriend usually reads the previews so when he found out that the movie had a "gay theme," sorry, cant thing of anything else to describe it.. so there.. we ended up watching aeon flux, which im glad we watched!! pretty pretty charlize!! firewall, with harrison ford stumbling in most of the scenes that requires him to move faster that walking.. and ahm.. close to you (gagging lol :P)

  11. hey ade!

    thanks for visiting my blog. so you are a claretian? my nephew is a claretian, too…and his mom, graduated from UST. funny how we can see coincidences if we really look for it, eh? (babaw observations noh?)

    anyway, have a great weekend! 🙂

  12. Komento lamang ito sa pinaka-unang comment. Hehe.

    Maaring sinasabi lamang nilang maganda sapagkat alam nilang marami itong awards at maraming nagsasabing maganda ito, ibig sabihin "dapat" maganda. Kahit hindi naman nila personal na judgment yun. At dahil nga sa inyo ginawa ang palabas. Isang teorya lamang. 'Wag ka sanang ma-offend. Hehe. Pero mas okay kung hindi ka nakakapagbasa ng Tagalog. 😉

  13. @ade – hahaha..tried and tested na ang masculinity ko. 😀

  14. rob

    "Yep, that's it. Fishing. Totally fishing."

    hilarious! 🙂 one of the comments is right. you're version of the story is waaay better than the original. hehe. 😉

  15. ade

    [Comment ID #199 Will Be Quoted Here]

    another one who read it! woot!

    sayang, d ka pa pwede…

    get a pirated DVD. ask some of your relatives here in the Philippines to send you one. :p

    …nevermind.

  16. ade

    [Comment ID #180 Will Be Quoted Here]

    i never said that if i didn’t find it good no one should. 😉

    [Comment ID #181 Will Be Quoted Here]

    MANOOD KA NA!

    [Comment ID #184 Will Be Quoted Here]

    you should watch it. it’s very thought-provoking even if it has something missing. 🙂

    [Comment ID #186 Will Be Quoted Here]

    yes.

    [Comment ID #188 Will Be Quoted Here]

    it’s the ultimate test of your masculinity. lol.

    [Comment ID #189 Will Be Quoted Here]

    aaaw… manood ka na!

    [Comment ID #190 Will Be Quoted Here]

    definitely, Ang Lee rocks!

    [Comment ID #191 Will Be Quoted Here]

    dude, let’s go… fishing.

    [Comment ID #194 Will Be Quoted Here]

    YES!!!

    [Comment ID #195 Will Be Quoted Here]

    *foreheadslap*

    [Comment ID #196 Will Be Quoted Here]

    i guess the disclaimer worked!

    [Comment ID #197 Will Be Quoted Here]

    you should try to watch it… even though it may be controversial, it’s very thought-provoking and should not be missed. 😉

    [Comment ID #198 Will Be Quoted Here]

    FINALLY! someone who read it!

  17. dan

    Hahaha. I think your version is a lot better (i haven’t seen the film though. it’s R21 here and I’m only 19. O_O). funny man. You write well.

  18. ahahahah!!! got me laughin.

  19. Jee

    The movie is banned in my country.. even without the “fishing”.

  20. yen

    kelangn ko muna panoorin yan pra makarelate ako…

  21. Anghaba naman, pero hindi ko binasa. Minor pa kasi ako hehehe. 🙂

  22. haha, kewl!!! astig mo! you hot piece of man… hahaha

  23. The film was great, Ang Lee rocks!

  24. I'm gonna skip on your suggestion because I haven't seen it. I wanted too so bad… T_T

    Anyway, got your link up and thanks for asking!

  25. i have no interest to watch this movie whatsoever. hehe 😛

  26. i will read this post after i watch brokeback this weekend..teehee

  27. Wow! I got linked!

  28. It hasn't reached Davao yet. I can hardly wait to see it. Intrigang-intriga na ako dito sa movie na to eh.

  29. lol @ grammys

    its oscars

    anyway, ang alam ko maganda ang movie pero nga lang chop-chop ng MTRCB dito eh. ano ba ang rating na binigay? r18 or 13?

    i was trying to skip this entry because i haven't seen it. spoiler eh? hehe.

  30. Laarni

    test gravar test. uyyy.

  31. hmmm… well… im happy watchin the movie… It's a really touching movie (for me!… and i said for me… ok ade?) hihihi… I was just happy to see heath's dingdong… nyahahahaha….

  32. ade

    [Comment ID #178 Will Be Quoted Here]

    i know that!:) i was really waiting for brokeback mountain months before it came out. i guess my expectations were a trifle too high.

    Waittasec… aren't Grammys for music?

  33. The movie won lots of trophies on Grammy Awards. In case you didn't know. It was really an award winning. And I'm proud to say that It was all Done here in Calgary Alberta Canada! Wot wot!

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