MANILA, Philippines — A group of civilians calling themselves members of The Grand Order of Fail stormed Hotel Sogo in Cubao, Quezon City and declared what they call a “LOL D’état”. They have easily taken over hotel security by threatening them with suspicious-looking liquids contained within sealed vials marked with labels such as “herpes”, “syphilis”, “pubic lice”, “erectile dysfunction”, “premature ejaculation”, and the ominous “I don’t know what the fuck this is but you don’t want to get infected by it”.
The swift takeover of the Hotel Sogo
After successfully taking over said hotel, they have issued a statement which is unfortunately mostly unreadable because it was written in 1337 and mostly unpublishable because the un-1337 parts have expletives between every other word. Two hours after they released their first statement, they have released a list of demands:
- Rename The Philippines as “Republic of Man”.
- The Grand Order of Fail will be the default religion and those who fail to subscribe to it will have their penises fall off like wilted leaves
- Shawarma dipped in crushed labuyo sauce will henceforth be the new national food.
- Chuck Norris will be instated as president for life, with David Hasselhoff as first lady.
- Banana Gangbangs will the national pastime
- Saaya Irie will henceforth become a Filipino citizen, whether she likes it or not.
- All citizens will have http://www.tmbspecial.com/forum as their default homepage on their web browsers.
Police Chief Gen. Salungbayot demanded that the group leave the hotel premises by 3pm or they face, in the words of the general, “extreme pwnage”. The group responded by throwing a vial of herpes at his face. The 3pm deadline came and went without further incident. This non-event sparked rumors of the Philippine Govermnent surrendering. Mike “Fucking” Villar, the group’s leader, went on national television to declare victory, saying “They cannot defeat us. We have armies and gold and mana and Pokemans and berserkers all those other things you can buy on Warbook.”
However, revelries were cut short when tear gas bombs were released. But the members of the Grand Order of Fail bravely stood their ground despite the loud noise of Steel crying his eyes out in one corner. Soldiers attempted to breach the hotel’s entrance with tanks and battering rams, to no avail. However, they had one last card up their sleeves. They brought out their weapon: JESUS RIDING A PINK UNICORN!
Jesus easily overpowered the Grand Order of Fail, and he quickly arrested them. As they were being brought out of the hotel while being restrained by plastic things, Mike Villar loudly declared that “we are not terrorists. We’re teLOLists.”