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BREAKING NEWS: Cat Gets Run Over By A Motorcycle, Turns Into A Woman

I got this very, very interesting piece of news over at the Nigerian Tribune:

WHAT could be described as a fairy tale turned real on Wednesday in Port Harcourt, Rivers State, as a cat allegedly turned into a middle-aged woman after being hit by a commercial motorcycle (Okada) on Aba/Port Harcourt Expressway.

Nigerian Tribune learnt that three cats were crossing the busy road when the okada ran over one of them which immediately turned into a woman. This strange occurrence quickly attracted people around who descended on the animals. One of them, it was learnt, was able to escape while the third one was beaten to death, still as a cat though.

According to a source who witnessed what happened, the cat-woman said she and the two other cat-fellows had travelled from Abuja to Port Harcourt to kill three people. “The woman said they came to Port Harcourt from Abuja and that they came to kill three people. She said they had succeeded in killing two people, but the third person, whom I guess might be a pastor, was difficult for them and that they were preparing to go back to Abuja,” said the source.

…Right.

Let me stop for a moment and let it sink first. Think about it. An assassin. A cat assassin. A cat assassin that turns into a woman. A cat assassin woman being given police protection to prevent the mob from getting to her.


 

I know. ZOMGOMGWTFRITE?

A cat turning into Halle Berry. I totally believe.

Anyway, to coerce a cat into turning into Halle Berry and making sweet love to me confirm the veracity of this news report, I decided to talk to one of the cats in our neighborhood give me some insight about their alleged mad assassinating skillz and their shapeshifting powers.


 I’z in your back assazinatin’ youz

 
Ade: So you mean all this time you guys are assassins and that you’ve been keeping it from us?

Cat: *scratches back*

Ade: Silence won’t protect you. You may be a skilled assassin, but I’m on to you. I know what can protect me from your evil ways. I have catnip.

Cat: *coughs out a hairball*

Ade: Now that’s just… gross. Come on kiddo, I’m talking to you.

Cat: *licks butthole*

Ade: … At least turn into Halle Berry.

Frustrated, I tossed the cat on the path of a speeding motorcycle, but the cat just lithely jumped out of the way and exacted revenge by jumping on my face and making a scratching pole out of it.

After being badly disfigured, I did not give up my quest to see a cat turn into Halle Berry. I consulted all the cats in our neighborhood, going in and out of various garbage cans and exacting the ire of some of my neighbors for climbing over their fences. Now they threatened me with something vaguely called a “lawsuit”, a “temporary restraining order”, something called “breaking and entering” and a “castration”, but c’mon, I’m on the verge of a journalistic discovery here!

Then I decided to go back to the news article and I soon realized that this is what those cats turn into:


 

… Stupid superstitions.

Thanks to Aileen Apolo for the link!

14 Comments

  1. I'm really hoping Halle Berry has this WHITE costume, in case white cats could also shapeshift. (I rarely see black cats, so I'd better rape white cats.)

    mentholGUY's last blog post..Fifty red cars and the freeway drama.

  2. a cat turned into a woman after being run over? hmmm… now that's a new one. seriously i can't decide who's loonier, the cat-woman (for her sticking to bizarre story) or the stupid, bloodthirsty mob

    onyxx's last blog post..mulling over “Sex and the City”

  3. But the woman is still in her sexy underwear. You can see nipples if you look closely.

  4. mix superstition and ignorance and thats what you get.

    its very sad. it could also be some kind of weired story to hide what could have really happened.

  5. CM

    Yeah I read that article, and Halle Berry came to mind too. Then I saw a photo showing bloodied woman and cellulites and saddle bags everywhere, and the Halle Berry vision quickly dissipated.

    Also reminded me of this Murakami book, Kafka on the Shore, where one of the characters was a retarded guy who can talk to cats. When I read the portion of this blog post on human-cat convo, I went "BINGO!". I'm sure Murakami would love to meet you and get a zing out of reenacting a scene from the movie Stranger than Fiction. 😛

    Oh, and btw, I am a proud lolo lover. Ask my exes. 😉

  6. Why the shock? I mean, didn't you hear that Michael jackson gave birth to a baby boy… through his penis?

    FunnySexy's last blog post..My Own Koreanovela

  7. LOL. Wtf?! Hahaha!!

    Jmar's last blog post..I Saw The Signs (part 2)

  8. hahaha! omg lol! wtf.

  9. What a coincidence. The woman that I ran over yesterday was also disguised as a cat. At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

    joyfulchicken's last blog post..Vegetarian for a week

  10. I'm gonna run over that cat in the first photo. After I have sweaty hot sex with her.

    Steel's last blog post..I Wanna be Robert Downey Jr.

  11. Hey, if people like Laarnaay and Siege Malvar can blog (albeit very shittily), I could very well believe that cat people assassins exist.

  12. Scary picture 0_o

    Micamyx's last blog post..Random Computer-Related Facts I Learned in Grade I

  13. And to think mainstream media still looks down upon bloggers. Sheesh!

  14. I read the news article… WTF?! WTF?! WTF?! It's 2008, right? KALOKA!!!

    Ria Jose's last blog post..Marc Abella: Guitarist

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