Personal, Stuff, The Fat Chronicles

Boy, am I Fat.

All those late-night eating binges, T-bone steaks, chocolate cakes, and bottomless bowls of pasta have finally taken their toll on my fragile (?) anatomy. I have gained weight.

If you’d tell me, “Gained weight? It’s probably just one or two pounds! Get a grip, you sissy!” you’re wrong. The other day I looked at the mirror and I saw this monstrosity staring back at me:

I was about to call the cops and report that an intruder had invaded my house when I suddenly realized that it was just me. Then I really began to get scared. I was thinking: what the hell have I done to get this fat? Am I really that much of a slob? Wait, aren’t those man-boobs? What happened to my (imaginary) washboard abs?

I never thought I would be this fat. This has got to end. Besides, I don’t want to look like Britney Spears:


*shudder*

So I decided to do something about it. I have quite a number of plans for me to lose weight.

Plan # 1: Diet
Ok. This is simple enough. I’ll just go about my daily work with a minimum amount of food in my stomach, wait a few weeks, and voila! svelte me.

In reality though, it’s not as simple as it seems. I started the day with a slice of bread and a cup of coffee. I thought it was gonna be enough to sustain me for the rest of the morning. What I didn’t anticipate is that walking to work with the sun mercilessly beating down on you does expend a lot of energy. Now I know how it feels to be walking down the stretch of Ortigas with a bad case of vertigo. I never even made it into the office; I just passed out in front of our door. My boss woke me up later with his patented soccer field kick. In the crotch.

There has got to be a better way to lose weight.

Plan # 2: Join a Gym
With me swearing off dieting forever, I decided to join a gym. How bad can it get? I mean, I’d get inspiration from those slim bodies I’ll be exercising with. I am gonna look around, and see muscular men in the body I am gonna get when I am through (wait, let me rephrase that, that sounded gay) and slim women who are gonna be eye candy. I can imagine myself running on the treadmill, iPod set to the Matisyahu playlist, burning my fats away. I’d be a muscular hot piece of man when I get off the treadmill.

So I excitedly pack my gym bag with Gatorade, granola bars, my iPod, and off to the gym I went. I got on the treadmill, playing the scenario I had made up for myself over and over again. I was about to start my workout when I realized that my iPod’s cord was caught on the rail. I reached over to untangle it.

Then some dolt turned the treadmill on.

Long story short, I am now looking for a nice pair of iPod earphones.

Also, when I came to, I realized that there wasn’t anyone in the room qualified to be called “eye candy”. Everyone in the gym was even fatter than me and was wearing… pink form-fitting spandex jumpsuits. It was like a scene straight out of my nightmares.

Plan # 3: Jogging
Since me and treadmills (and gyms in general) don’t go along together, I decided to take up jogging. I realized that the morning air and sunshine would do me good. I won’t pass out of hunger. My iPod won’t snag onto anything. And if I ever see another horrible sight, I can just outrun it.

I got my cross-trainers, did my stretching exercises, and I jogged away.

It actually felt good! Jogging around the village, breaking up a nice sweat, with Pedicab blaring in my ears, is the life. Finally, I thought, this is something I could do! The fresh air is invigorating. I take a deep breath to fill my lungs-

Then a car passed by me, spewing thick black smoke in the air.

I actually stopped, because I was coughing too much and my eyes became so watery for me to go on. When I finally finished my coughing fit, I opened my eyes to see:

A dog, two meters away, staring at me with suspicion. It was growling.

And oh, did I mention that I have a phobia of strange, angry, and possibly rabid dogs?

At this point I was saying my prayers to all the saints I have had the good fortune of meeting in religion class. I stepped back slowly, muttering “nice doggy… don’t bite” under my breath. Then at the first sign of motion, the dog barked like crazy and lunged at me.

Of course, I ran like hell.

Thus I went home with my legs aching, smelling like car exhaust, my heart racing because of two close shaves with the dog, and a with large lump on my forehead because stupid me failed to see the parked truck in front of me and its damn side mirror.

And oh, I’m still fat.

Plan # 4:
OK then. For plan # 4, I intend to… Wait, there’s no plan # 4. I give up.

* Read Part 2 here.

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58 Comments

  1. hey there. come on, it couldnt be that bad. 🙂

  2. Jump onto the bandwagon! No carbs! Teehee…

  3. [Comment ID #952 Will Be Quoted Here]

    30 to 35 pounds i think.. ??? =)

  4. Hey, what does that supposed to mean? That I'm the foul-mouthed, sick-minded, goodlooking guy around here?

    Oh well, nobody's perfect.

  5. The ball's in Balls' court now. Hehehe.

  6. ade

    [Comment ID #1006 Will Be Quoted Here]

    I'd like to make some really inappropriate comment here, but I'll let Balls do it.

  7. Ade, just curious: what gym did you go to? I just signed up for a Fitness First membership and uh, locker room etiquette is surprisingly nudist. Oh wait, those were just the Korean women walking around in their birthday suits.

  8. ie

    i still think the gym's the way to go. probably no hotties (most of them are busy applying for pbb season 2), but workout really is the only solution against fat. sorry.

    by the way, i super liked the post. my sister kept on looking at me because i was laughing hard. all by myself. at 11:55 pm, when everybody (else) is asleep.

    goodluck on your, uhm, endeavor. :]

  9. ade

    [Comment ID #957 Will Be Quoted Here]

    reality bites! 🙁

    [Comment ID #954 Will Be Quoted Here]

    reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaally now? 😛

  10. forget all the junk foods and the midnight snacks 😀

    and eat less rice hehe

  11. I'm not fat, I just retain water! :[

  12. ade

    [Comment ID #949 Will Be Quoted Here]

    your hair weighs 40 pounds?

  13. Tam

    Dancing?

    Well, if you like dancing.

    Effective raw sa pagdiedieta is yung uminom ka raw ng maraming water before meals para madali kang mabusog. Yun nga lang, ihi ng ihi.

  14. [Comment ID #943 Will Be Quoted Here]Oh puhleeze..not my long shapey legs!!! I knew it!! haha.. imma go have my hair cut now!!

  15. tulad ni jong, hindi rin ako tumaba. kahit anong klase ng fud trip at haba ng pagtulog, payat pa rin ako. hay….buhay talaga…

    pero goodluck sa weight problem mo, lolz

  16. [Comment ID #936 Will Be Quoted Here]

    I know how you'll be able to lose 40 pounds! Have your 2 legs and one arm cut off! Hardy har har!

    @Ade: Listen, son. You are not fat. You're just BIG-BONED!

  17. ….or buy a small plate. i use small plates. hehehe.

  18. or buy weights. eh-eh-ehh. btw, do you have a sister named andrea?

  19. ade

    [Comment ID #934 Will Be Quoted Here]

    That's the problem. I was never thin. 🙁

    [Comment ID #936 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Well… I can assure you NOTHING worked. BTW, 40 pounds?! Are you serious? I'm fat, but I don't need to lose 40!

    … at least I don't think so.

  20. Hahaha.. hey, would u be a dahlin' and tell me which of those above are really effective? i oh so effing needed to lose 40 pounds..:p

  21. gained a few pounds will be good if you are thin, but look at me! Ni wala sa talambuhay ko na pumayat ako at contineous to gain weight.. ggrrr.. I hate it! but thanks to the following suggestion.. natawa ako sa jogging part. I'm 25 now and I should goal 20 pounds weight loss…sounds like Bridget Jones eh?

    Thanks for the greeting Ade!!!

  22. aaron

    I don't get fat either. haha.

  23. wow hilarious plans huh? damn, we have exactly the same problem. thought about doing those things but too lazy to start. not motivated enough. i totally agree i also don't want to look like britney spears with that fat belly around hah… anyway, i have those but not the exact replica of hers. mine is smaller haha…

    you really have a good sense of humor, i could imagine every scenarios you mentioned. haha… 😉

  24. Keep on jogging and sweating ade, you'd look like Arnold Swarzenneger in not time at all.

  25. Tsk, tsk.

    "Haha. Ang taba!"

    'Wag kang mag-alala, para sa akin yun.

    Pareho tayo ng problema. Araw-araw na lang may nagsasabi na lumalaki ako pero, oh well, care ko. Masarap kumain, eh. xD

  26. I do not appreciate my fat picture posted on the internet thank you. 🙁

  27. ade

    [Comment ID #854 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Plan 4 comin' up!!!

    [Comment ID #852 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Um… if I'm gonna get a neck like that… no thanks.

    [Comment ID #838 Will Be Quoted Here]

    [Comment ID #873 Will Be Quoted Here]

    [emo] You two don't get fat? I hate you. [/emo]

  28. Oooops, I'm on the wrong place.

    My problem is the direct opposite of yours. hehe

  29. Try Tae-Bo workouts. The Billy Blanks ones. 😀

  30. ade

    [Comment ID #870 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Yes, he DID kick me in the crotch, and I am still looking for my left testicle.

    If anyone finds it, just give me a call. I'll send you a reward.

  31. (okey lang naman cguro mag-tagalog noh!)

    *gaaad 22o ba un sinipa ka ng boss mo sa ano mo?

    errr.. napaka-rahas naman nun!

    haha… takot din ako sa aso (nakagat na kc ako dati)

    gaya mo (cguro) sabi ko sa sarili ko papayat din ako ngayong summer pero sabi ko lang 'yun ansarap pa kc kumain sa bahay eh libre lahat di gaya sa dorm pag dating ng pasukan…

    ang plano ko nga ….

    wala din pala akong plano, sa May pako magccmula (sana)

    hehe… 😉

    *try mo pala bumili ng mga kung anu-ano sa TV shopping baka gumana..

  32. aby

    haha! i want a plan 4 🙂

  33. Do what Fat Bastard did and go on the Subway diet. Sure his neck looked like a vagina afterwards, but he lost a heckuva lotta weight. >:D

  34. get your lazy butt off the computer (chair?) and then you may start losing pounds you tub of lard. lol

  35. you look cute pala in person, with the diapers and the hanging man-boobs. ehehehe! i suggest bikram yoga. it's like doing yoga in a sauna. man! pati singit mo, papawisan.

  36. ade

    [Comment ID #829 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Check mushy's site out. she might have a pic or two. (I dunno, never checked. Really.)

    [Comment ID #836 Will Be Quoted Here]

    I will inform you pronto~

    [Comment ID #838 Will Be Quoted Here]

    I've no qualms at all. Thanks! 🙂

  37. hala. ako di tumataba. totoo ba yung muscles na yun? nanay ko diet forever. effective naman. di siya nagra-rice. hehe.

    love your blog. would you mind if i link you? 🙂

  38. Jee

    Just tell me when you found something that actually works.. I found that I am gaining weight by just breathing these days 😮

  39. You should be! She's right, it will make you excrete your internal organs including your spleen! OMG!

    "…juz be content getting guys by flaunting my boobs instead of being sexy"

    Hey, where're them boobies at? =Þ

  40. ade

    [Comment ID #826 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Holy Crap!!! (no pun intended)

    Have you read Mushy's, erm, very detailed description of her experience with slimming teas?

    Read and be awestruck:

    [Comment ID #818 Will Be Quoted Here]

    That turned me off slimming teas forever.

  41. Buddy, best friend, ol'pal, don't you ever, ever try taking any of those slimming teas!

    I once sneaked in on my ate's kikay cabinet and stole 2 or 3 bags of freakin Biguerlai slimming tea just to see if it will make me lose my built-in salbabida. But to my horror, I ended up taking a crap the entire evening like there's no tomorrow…AT WORK!

  42. ade

    Seriously, I haven't given up on exercising.

    But I won't try slimming teas (yet).

  43. Seriously speaking…

    Regarding bulimia: you only throw up a small percentage of total calories eaten, plus all that vomit, bile, and stomach acid ain't good for your throat, mouth, and teeth.

    Green tea dehydrates (hence the evacuations to the bathroom) but it's also supposed to have thermogenic qualities, meaning it raises the body's metabolism to burn more fat. I suggest Japanese or Chinese green tea rather than Kankunis herbal tea (that's not real green tea!). :p

    Exercise is good! Don't let freakish people or rabid dogs deter you. (Ayaw mo yun, bibilis ang takbo mo?)

  44. rob

    ooh. we have the same problem.

    i think i'm gonna try plan #2. yeah, nightmarish fat people would really swarm in the gym but i don't have an iPod so that would be less the hassle, eh?

  45. wag mo na kasing labanan. kasama sa pagtanda at pagiging "experienced" yung pagiimpok ng taba. hehehe 😉

  46. Let me suggest something that you can include as plan #4.

    In the words of the great kinkylube…"Try masturbation"!

  47. That's exactly the "in" thing nowadays my friend! The man-boobs! Makes us look oh-so-sexay in those skimpy swimsuits.

  48. i think men who freakin diet are vain.. or vane. or however you spell that. but if you really wana diet, try green tea, i mean the real one, not the commercialized drinks sold in the market. i swear if ud try that ud be running to the john 10 mins after downing that thing. its even better if u drink it before and after eating.. that way everything that u ate juz before that would all go to waste and you wont have anything in yer body and you'll die in a few months.. lol… but really it is effective. i stopped that tho, i felt like i was hanging on to dear life everytime i have a bathroom episode, i think the grean tea not only aims to flush everything that you ate, but yer entire organs as well. so i decided to throw all my green tea away and juz be content getting guys buy flaunting my boobs instead of being sexy.. lol.

  49. why not try biking? hehe.

  50. Man, are those muscles for real?! :O

    I like to jog at QC circle or UP campus. Wala gano'ng aso. 😀

  51. Britney Spears. The horror! The horror! I'm afraid of Britney Spears. Oh, this reminds me of a song called I'm Afraid of Britney Spears. I'm so gonna stop. Ugh.

    Anyways, why not try what bulimics do? You know, they induce themselves to barf. I heard it's effective.

    And oh, try yoga or pilates. Seriously. 🙂

  52. I'll vote for either exercise or gym. I don't have problems on being "too fat", actually. But I do have probmlems being too thin. T_T

  53. ganyan talaga pag tumatanda, TAMATABA! ahehehe

  54. Eat less, exercise more – the only four words you need to know. Ako nga kailangan na talaga mag-exercise and diet kahit payat naman.

  55. ako d tumataba.. haha…

  56. Hahahahahahaha! >:D

  57. ric

    you could try swimming. 🙂

  58. you forgot all those slimming tea and diet pills and ointments and stuffs like that, you know.

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