BEOWULF IN 5 MINUTES
INT. Heorot, ancient Denmark. Inside a great hall, where people are naked, getting drunk, having hot torrid sex, and acting like total douchebags. Yes, this is a children’s film. Enjoy.
My dear Danes! Let us all get drunk,
have orgies, get herpes, and pass out!
For I have promised you a great hall of lust,
and here it is! YAY!
Also, I’ll just sit here beside the king
watching you all act stupid.
You’ll all die later anyway. Lollerskates.
We’re too piss drunk to hear what you’re saying.
Moar mead yayz!
SCENE: GRENDEL, a horribly disfigured creature, crashes into the hall.
HELP! ZOMG WE’RE GONNA DIE!
Can’t speak. Drunk.
Passed out. Snore.
SCENE: Beowulf at sea. On a very large boat.
I AM BEOWULLLLLLFFFF!!111one
SCENE: The next morning. KING HROTHGAR is overseeing the closing up of the hall of lust. Behind him, bodies of dead DANES are being piled up and burned into a great big pyre.
My dear Danes, because half our population
gets wiped out every time we have these
awesomiffic orgies inside these halls of lust,
I forbid anybody to go in here and get drunk.
No merrymaking and no secks LOLZ!
“BOOOO!” my ass.
I if I catch anybody sneaking in,
I will have him killed.
Not even one small orgy?
Let me think
Isn’t there anyone who can help
us out of this stupid mess?
I need a hero!
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night!
He’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast,
and he’s gotta be fresh from the fight
I am here!
And I will save you from Grendel!
ZOMG A HERO!
Okay, what is your name, oh great warrior?
My name is BEOWULF! I am a Geat!
And what is it you ask in return,
oh great geek?
A GEAT! GEAT! GEAAAAT!
I want to kill Grendel, and to win glory.
Then I will eat your famous meat.
Wait! No, I didn’t mean THAT meat, I meant–
SCENE The Mead Hall (of lust) being reopened and cleaned.
I am Unferth, son of Ecglaf!
Who are you again?
Amfefe, son of Eclavu?
Beowulf, i’m looking at you in a very lustful
manner because I have the hots for you.
Also, I have a fat and drunk husband with a micropenis.
Also, if you kill Grendel, you can bang my wife.
Awesome. I take my clothes off then.
Holy shit look at the size of that—
WHAT AN UGLY!
ALSO, I CAN ACTUALLY SPEAK
IN SOME OLD ENGLISH DIALECT
THAT THE AUDIENCE CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND!
What the hell did he just say?
Eh? Beats me.
Good work, BEOWULF.
I can has bang your wife nao?
Let me think.
But you promised!
Grendel’s mother is still alive.
Kill her muna.
This Beowulf character,
what a not thinking. LOLZ.
SCENE: Some cave with water at the floor. Gold is scattered all over, and it is dark.
Didn’t know these spells work here too.
I am the mother of the beast you slayed.
Since you killed my son,
you will make me another.
What? No way! You are a demon!
I don’t do demons!
Okay, me and that dog last week–
I was drunk then okay?
I also look like Angelina Jolie.
And I am naked.
SCENE: At the hall of lust. Five hours later.
And I banged the shit
out of Grendel’s mother!
Wait, I thought I told you to KILL
the mother, not have sex with it?
I did, I… I… I banged her!
With my sword!
I used my great sword to
cut a hole in her!
KING HROTHGAR jumps from the ledge of the hall of lust and kills himself dead ZOMG!
Our king is dead!
Lolz I knoes okay?
Lolz what a retard.
BEOWULF! Be our king!
SCENE: Heorot 30 years later.
Okay, I’ve been king for 30 years already.
I also have a hot wife, an underage mistress,
and all the gold and secks I want. Why am I bored?
Maybe because you’re a
big lying douchebag?
ZOMG A DRAGON IS BURNING UP THE TOWN!
HE SAYS HE’S YOUR SON!
What? My son?
Yay I killed the dragon!
I AM BEOWULF!!11
THE DRAGON and BEOWULF freefall 200 feet at 120 kph.
I AM BEOWULF!!1
Again. THE DRAGON and BEOWULF fall 200 feet at 120 kph. In a fatal freefall.
Yay I killed the dragon!
Freefall. 200 feet. 120 kph. Beowulf will probably die.
Beowulf will probably die. This Beowulf guy, what a not thinking. LOLZ.
(WAKING UP FROM DEEP SLUMBER)
Oh, it’s finished? Good. That was BORING.
Know what we don’t get about this movie?
The crew motioned-captured the cast and took great pains
in making the CGI characters look exactly
like the actors they began with. WTF?
I dunno. Coz it’s cool?
Yeah it was.
But it was boring cool, ya know?
We wanted, I dunno, “whoa!” cool.
At least I made millions out of you.