Dear Girl Who Accidentally Touched My Bird in The Elevator,

So I was standing in the elevator minding my own business, right? And I was busy talking to The Mordo and Helga, minding my own business when your group just came in barging. I counted between 7-10 people. It should’ve been an ordinary crowded elevator moment. But you had to come in, texting and not minding your surroundings and swinging your arms like crazy. Yep, swinging your arms like crazy in a crowded elevator.

Guess where your hand landed.



So, Girl Who Accidentally Touched My Bird in The Elevator, I usually don’t mind. Accidents do happen, you know. But it was really amusing to see you stop in your tracks, freeze for around thirty seconds, panic written across your face. At this point I was so fucking trying to keep my laughter in. So I decided to do what any other gentleman would do in such an awkward situation: stare at you and keep the awkwardness up for the long elevator ride from the 25th floor down to the ground floor.

So you probably think I’m some creepy and pervy guy who would take no better pleasure than standing in elevators, waiting for fine women such as you to accidentally feel him up. I am no such guy. Just ask all the women who have accidentally touched my bird (five so far, none of them as cute as you- wait I don’t know if you’re cute, you tried very hard to make sure I don’t see your face; but I digress).

But I really do apologize for doing that to you, and I promise to make it up to you by buying you dinner. You see, I think that YOU + ME = WIN. I know, I know, I used that line before on some cute chinita barista, but she ignored me, eloped with her Jinggoy Estrada lookalike boyfriend, and slapped me with something the lawyers called a “temporary restraining order” along with a note that said “if you fucking come near me and my family, you’re so going to fucking lose your right testicle.” See, Girl Who Accidentally Touched My Bird in The Elevator, she broke my heart.

So now that I’m done using the broken heart card on you, please say yes when I’m asking you out, and I promise I’ll let you accidentally touch me again. And I won’t look at you weird this time.

Accidentally yours,

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