Open Letters, Stuff

An Open Letter to my Neighbor’s Stupid Dog

Dear Neighbor’s Stupid Dog,

How are you? I see you everyday, but you know, I’m usually busy with “hurrying to get to work” or “running away from your sharp fangs” to greet you. And during the times I’m not preoccupied escaping your jaws (which from this point onwards I shall call “Fangs of Rabid Doom”), you just sit in your stupid little corner eating your vomit, and all those other stuff only dogs do.

Anyway, I’m writing because I hate your guts. No, not in the general “I hate dogs with a passion” sense, but I really hate you. Yes, you Neighbor’s Stupid Dog. I am singling you out of all the dogs in the world to be the target of my scorn. In fact, of all the people I can write my open letters to (“the fat guy who thinks he can squeeze into the MRT space barely enough for a bulimic Tibetan monk”, “the girl with the big gazongas who likes to smoke downstairs whom my officemates creepily leer at”), I just had to write my first open letter of the year for YOU.

Seriously, I don’t know what your beef is against me. I’m just walking around the village, minding my own business, when you jump out of nowhere and chase me till I get five inches close to a heart attack or something.

I know I ate that Baconator last week, but I’m sure I took pretty thorough baths afterwards. I can’t smell like hamburgers. Right?

Neighbor’s Stupid Dog, I’m tired of this routine we go through. You see, we start the day with me walking happily to work, skipping even, when you suddenly decide to stop licking your ass. Then we have our obligatory daily run, where we get past five streets, you barking like crazy while I scream “AY POTANGENA!” and shriek like a little girl.

This routine has got to change. I’ve downloaded azucena recipes off the net in case I get totally annoyed with you and snap. Also, your owner is a douche for letting you pee in front of my front gate. Guess who’s peed on his front door. Just guess.

Signed with all hate in the world and all that jazz,
Ade

34 Comments

  1. ROFL pala, typo. Hehe. And how do I get my picture to appear in the comment's avatar? Sorry, techy-challenged blogger here.

    • Ade

      Just go to gravatar.com and make an account there so your pic can show up on WordPress blogs!

  2. Bwahahahahah! This post made me go ROLF at 8:57AM! And I am not usually a chirpy person in the morning! Funny! Natawa ko sa "Ay Potangena!", hahaha, I can imagine you saying that while you're being chased by that stupid aw-aw.

    See, I told you, I'm back-reading. The other posts are ho-hum. LOL, kidding. But this, this is the next best thing to the Masculine Wash.

    Hope to back read more open letters like these.

  3. aw, how adorable. i love that dog. is he up for adoption? 😀

    the trick is to get down on the ground and play dead.

    i saw it on animal planet one time, swear to god.

    • Ade

      If the dog comes over and eats my balls, while I lie defenselessly on the ground, I’m blaming you.

  4. Have you tried the "pretend-to-pick-up-a-stone-and-throw-him" technique? It works for me. Lol.

  5. The dog peed on your front gate? That's bad news. The pooch has now marked its territory, and you're invading its space every time you stepped out of your gate. No wonder it hates you.

  6. What do you mean? You don't eat your vomit?

  7. it can smell your fear ade! it feeds on it. You need to act tough and not worry about it even if the crazy dog is already chewing on your second leg! hahaha.

  8. ok lang yan para may exercise ka.!!

  9. I hate dog owners who don't really care about their pets, like leaving them to pee/poo outside and bark at every moving molecule in the world. Worse, chain/cage them under the sun/rain. 🙁 Kahit askal lang ang dog namin, the madlang people would always speak to us in great awe how we really spoiled our Kurvie. Mas mabango pa nga ata siya sa kin eh.

    =====

    I can eat as many Baconators as I want without having to worry about gaining weight.

    And oh. Pandesal na may bubog/vetsin can be a good merienda for that stupid dog.

    • Ade

      I hate dog owners who don’t really care about their pets, like leaving them to pee/poo outside and bark at every moving molecule in the world. Worse, chain/cage them under the sun/rain.

      Also, if they let their dogs chase me.

  10. Maybe he just wants a hug! A hug plus one of your limbs, but a hug nonetheless 😮 Btw burger dude there is my new love.

    <abbr>Abby´s last blog post:The Kite Runner</abbr>

    • Ade

      You think I should offer up my neighbor for the dog to hug? And one of his limbs?

  11. Look on the bright side, you can eat all the Baconators you want without having to worry about gaining too much weight (again) because the dog gives you a daily exercise.

    Remember, a dog's puke is far worse than his bite.

    • Ade

      What do I want to do with a dog's puke? I mean, human pukes are awesome enough, so why do I need to check out a dog's—

      Wait, you were talking puke in english? Not the tagalog word that has the same spelling? Fuck!

  12. Claudette

    Hahaha! Goodluck with your "daily morning exercise" Ade! =D

    loooove your blogs by the way ;p

  13. I… I don't creepily leer at Ginormous Girl! I just, you know, creepily smell her hair every chance I get and whisper her name whenever I see her.

  14. i ate azucena 2 years ago and all of the dogs in the village barked at me..i dont think its a good idea.haha just make a coat out of his fur. or hire a dog whisperer haha

  15. Man, that was hilarious.

  16. your comment eater ate my comment. 🙁

    <abbr>Joel Avatari´s last blog post:94. BURGERS (can't think of a witty title)</abbr>

  17. You know how to easily kill a dog? three beef cubes. instakill!!!

    for that dog. make it six.

  18. Hey at least you get your daily morning exercise.

    <abbr>Jewel´s last blog post:Nang Na-In Love Ako Sa Isang Libro</abbr>

  19. know what works? umbrella! bring a long one.

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