Last week, the entire world was again shocked by news from People’s Champion Manny Pacquiao. No it’s not another amazing victory over another helpless Mexican, or another unintentionally hilarious quote when he tries in earnest to speak in english, or another embarrassingly bad rendition of yet another power ballad on Jimmy Kimmel. Also, it just dawned on me that Pacquiao, as much as we love and respect the guy, he is a goldmine of unintentional LOLs.
Anyway, the reason why Pacquiao is in the spotlight, again, is this:
That. Magnificent. Mane.
Look at that hair, people. Manny Pacquiao’s Justin Bieber-inspired ‘do can make any lady within 50 meters pregnant. It can turn any straight guy gay for 32 seconds. And like it. Because of this, I knew I had to interview it. Yes, guys, I’m talking about the hair, not Manny Pacquiao. You see, I interviewed the champion boxer a few years back. He’s old news. It’s all about the hair now.
Ade: How does it feel to be on the head of the world’s greatest boxer?
Manny Pacquiao’s Hair (MPH): I dunno. You tell me.
Ade: You must be totally proud.
MPH: Well, not really. I’m Manny Pacquao’s hair. I’m shaped like that creature on Justin Bieber’s head.
Ade: Uh, yeah, but come on, appearances aside, it’s not so bad, really-
MPH: Don’t kid me. Look. Justin Fucking Bieber. Do you have any idea how mortifying it is to go out everyday and having people look at you and hum that stupid “Baby” song just a little beyond earshot and have your owner in complete blissful ignorance on how embarrassed I am?
Ade: I… I have no idea, because as you can see, I’m, you know, a human…
MPH: Well, at least that wasn’t the worst thing I’ve been put through.
Ade: Pray, tell, please show me the worst style you’ve been subjected to.
Ade: Jesus fucking Christ, what is that? Oh god, I didn’t know you had it that bad.
MPH: Yeah, yeah, feel my pain. You see, being the thing that keeps the world’s best pound-for-pound boxer from going bald isn’t all glamour and stuff.
Ade: As Pacquiao’s headpiece, you are witness to a lot of private moments in his life. Tell us more about Pacquiao when he’s all alone.
MPH: The guy just fucking loves to sing.
Ade: Speaking of singing, what do you think of about Pacquiao’s short-lived singing career?
MPH: Dude sang some bitchin’ tunes, man. “Bandila ng Pilipinas sabay-sabay itaas / Pag dalawang pwersa ang nagsanib lalo pang lalakas / Bawat suntok umiigkas ang kalaban sa sakit / Pag napuruhan sa panga sa sahig humahalik” Fucking profound.
MPH: No, really. I dare you to find better nationalistic lyrics than those.
Ade: Well, I know this one song-
MPH: No. No, you can’t.
Ade: But I just said I can find a song that’s got better-
MPH: No. Nothing is better than M-Paq’s lyrics, and fuck you in the ass if you believe otherwise, you know?
Ade: Okay. Moving on. Do you have an opinion on the political unrest in Libya?
MPH: Muammar Gaddafi has nice hair.
MPH: Look, I’m Pacquiao’s mane. Do you think I give a shit about non-hair things?
Ade: Yes, but-
MPH: Also, have you seen those bread helmets those Egyptians had on? I’m trying to get M-Paq so drunk that he wears one of those things for sparring.
Ade: … that would be AWESOME. And I don’t mean that ironically – I really want to see Pacquiao in a bread helmet. I… I can’t get rid of that mental image.
Sadly, the interview was cut short because Manny Pacquiao woke up to a fat blogger talking to his hair and taking notes, and was understandably freaked out. After a trying to convince him that the interview was really happening (also, a futile attempt to get him to wear a bread helmet), I ran for my life, past his security, never to be seen again.