Featured Post, Personal, The Fat Chronicles

Ade Versus the Buffet Table

I hate eat-all-you-cans, mainly because the prospect of having bottomless eats can be daunting for my plans to lose weight. Especially if I’m on the losing end of the weight-loss war and would like to win a small battle every now and then. So I try to avoid occasions that entail eating lots, making up excuses about saving an obscure country in Africa from the machinations of a tyrant or something like that. Whatever.

But it was my grandfather’s birthday last Sunday, and despite my protestations, I had to show up and wage another battle of wills against the buffet table.

So after making niceties with my relatives, I grab a plate and head off to the buffet table. The buffet table stares at me menacingly, and taunts me with cries of “You will never be able to resist my charms, you weak human glutton!”

I helplessly hold my plate tightly in my hand as my eyes dart nervously through the table of gastronomic delights. Roast suckling pig. Lengua. Roast beef. It was a heart attack waiting to happen. So I started to move a step away from the table when I bump into this old lady who was waiting for me to pick something, anything, so the line would move already and she could eat.


“Move, you fat piece of lard! Move!”

So I apprehensively move in, and I lost it. I find myself filling my plate with all that oily, greasy thinggummy called… food. I couldn’t help it. I just dump in one piece of roast beef one moment, and I find my plate filled to the brim the next. I stared at my plate, thinking, “don’t eat too much don’t eat too much don’t eat too– AH FUCK IT THIS IS FOOD!”


Five similarly-filled plates later, I realized I lost the battle as my empty plate taunts me again: “Weakling glutton, see what you just did there? You were not able to resist my oily, greasy charms! Evil laughter coupled with the finger pyramid of evil contemplation! Bwahahahahaha!”

As the waiter picks up my plate, he gives me an apologetic look and says “I’m so sorry about the plates. They always tend to do that. They can be jerks sometimes.”

I realized I have to stop taking those weird pills that hermit gave me the other day as the waiter walks away carrying my plate, which was begging to be brought back to the table to insult me more. Dejected, I walk away from the restaurant, hoping a smoke would clear my mind, when I realized I don’t smoke.

Damn.


I went home, expecting to get a long night’s sleep. But the food got the better of me. I mean, I spent the entire night in–

The Toilet
Fig. 1: How I spent the night

Goodbye, dignity. I’ll miss you.

So how do you guys deal with buffets? Just humor me. Tell me any good story of how you guys deal with buffets, because I need a distraction because–

I have to go. Bai.

30 Comments

  1. Most of the weight I gained since coming over to the US has been the results of going to HomeTown Buffet and other buffet restaurants. Hehe 😀

  2. as long as walang raisins, gusto ko buffet. 😛

  3. there is an eat all you can pizza hut here in Japan 🙂 they even have dessert pizza, lol.. my first time to see and taste this. anyway, try compensating with more exercises.

  4. I see that you will be attending the Taste Asia event this coming July 3.

    I heard they will be dishing out free food. I wonder if they allow bottomless treats.

    I will also be attending the said event. See you there!

  5. doms

    but ade!!! when we met, we promised to excercise dba? you were even doing crunches then.

    hehehe.

    funny mental image! 🙂

  6. liz

    i wish i could hate food.

  7. I thought Kim Jong-Il is Satan?! Buffets are easy to resist. But when there's sinigang na baboy, to hell with dieting. Anyway, just stay away from carbs and stick with protein if you find yourself in a buffet line. Protein you can chew, not swallow. Ehehehehe.

  8. What about at the "A Taste of Asia" event? Do they have buffet tables there, too? Hehe.

  9. Oh man, I hate eatallyoucans. I'm also trying to lose weight and eatallyoucans is baaad. There's another reason I hate it though, not coz of the food, it's coz of the Coke. It's Coke which makes me fat. Not the food. Outch.

  10. Err. Nagutom ako! I want lengua.

    Maybe you'll hate me too. I want to gain weight!

  11. Ade

    [quote comment="52922"]hahaha. at least your buffet is not stuck at your tummy for so long :)[/quote]

    But… but… my dignity

    [quote comment="53158"]I've been telling you – NO. KOREAN. JOKES! Kim Jong Il's writing a complaint letter laced with anthrax addressed to your ass.

    Also, I am now mortal enemies with alvin here because of his irrepresible idealism and his six-pack abs.[/quote]

    Well, what racist slurs do I use then? Jewish? Black? Arab? No? K.

  12. I've been telling you – NO. KOREAN. JOKES! Kim Jong Il's writing a complaint letter laced with anthrax addressed to your ass.

    Also, I am now mortal enemies with alvin here because of his irrepresible idealism and his six-pack abs.

  13. Starvation is the key to true happiness! hehehe

    Seriously, I watch what I eat during weekdays and then I treat myself to a very decent "eat all you can" at the following on Sundays:

    Market Cafe (Hyatt), Circles (Shang), Paseo Uno (Mandarin).

    Lastly, my friends and I think that buffet at wedding receptions is a no no no….

  14. I don't like frequenting all-you-can-stuff eateries… I'd rather eat quality food than "quantity".

    Well, when I was a starving student… I loved those places, lol.

  15. hahaha. at least your buffet is not stuck at your tummy for so long 🙂

  16. Ade

    [quote comment="52792"]By the way, what the fuck's up with the I.ph plugs everywhere I go? I mean is it suddenly cool now just because I left? :([/quote]

    *pats mike on the back*

    I think it's a conspiracy of your old bosses to make you regret leaving dotPH, and now i.PH.

    KAMUSTA NAMAN?

  17. Maybe sometime dapat mag-blogger meetup sa Saisaki para masaya, eat-all-you-can. Haha.

  18. Toe

    You will not hate me. I am your bestfriend for this post. I feel exactly the same way with buffets. The buffet table taunts me the same way. Wow sarap talaga… lengua, roast suckling pig… etc., etc., etc.. Bakit nga pala ang puputi ng mga lolo at lola mo? 😉

  19. By the way, what the fuck's up with the I.ph plugs everywhere I go? I mean is it suddenly cool now just because I left? 🙁

  20. So Ade do you want Cheese?

    WITH YOUR WHINE?

    Seriously dude, Fat is Fab.

  21. I can survive the temptations as long I won't pay for those eat-all-you-can.

    But bah! I can't resist desserts!

  22. I starve myself the entire day, then pig out on meats and dessert. Then I hit the gym. Maybe you need to work out. 😛

  23. Avy

    i'm lucky enough be inflatable when it comes to food.

    i'll put anything on my plate that looks edible. 😛

    err, my tummy's forcing me to go eat again. brb *hehe*

  24. TARA, SAISAKI TAYO!!! DAD'S!!! KAMAYAN!!!

  25. Ade

    [quote comment="52136"]I love eat-all-you-cans! Basically for a reason opposite as yours, I have to gain weight! :)[/quote]

    Why do I suddenly hate you?

    [quote comment="52154"]I am your total opposite… i have a bad appetite… i am not bulimic or anorexic… i just grew up like that. I remmber when i was younger my mom has to wack me with a stick just to make me eat.[/quote]

    Also, you too.

    [quote comment="52162"]Even if I'm trying to stick with my "diet", I still love eat-all-you-cans. I like to have lots of food options. Good thing I'm not fond of beef or pork. But still, I'm big! Hahaha! I guess some once-in-a-blue-moon-eat-all-you-cans would be okay :-)[/quote]

    Ah, a kindred soul. But I swear, I wasn't like this a couple of years ago. I suck. 🙁

    [quote comment="52260"]"Ah fuck it this is food!"

    My same thought every time. Hahaha!

    Buffet, my worst enemy, but my faithful friend. How I hate reminiscing our encounters! You always win our staring contests, and I have to succumb to your glistening offerings!

    Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a staring contest to lose with this porkchop.[/quote]

    So do I. With this piece of leftover roastbeef.

    [quote comment="52157"]Articles like this is what you and Mike do best. And it's the kind of shit I can never pull off.[/quote]

    Affirmation from teh Pau! Yeah! Wait, is this for real?

  26. "Ah fuck it this is food!"

    My same thought every time. Hahaha!

    Buffet, my worst enemy, but my faithful friend. How I hate reminiscing our encounters! You always win our staring contests, and I have to succumb to your glistening offerings!

    Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a staring contest to lose with this porkchop.

  27. Even if I'm trying to stick with my "diet", I still love eat-all-you-cans. I like to have lots of food options. Good thing I'm not fond of beef or pork. But still, I'm big! Hahaha! I guess some once-in-a-blue-moon-eat-all-you-cans would be okay 🙂

  28. Pau

    Articles like this is what you and Mike do best. And it's the kind of shit I can never pull off.

  29. I am your total opposite… i have a bad appetite… i am not bulimic or anorexic… i just grew up like that. I remmber when i was younger my mom has to wack me with a stick just to make me eat.

  30. I love eat-all-you-cans! Basically for a reason opposite as yours, I have to gain weight! 🙂

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Theme by Anders Norén

%d bloggers like this: