“What’s in your head / In your head / Zombie ?”
– The Cranberries on Zombies

Welcome to the Year 2065, and it is the end of humanity as we know it. Because this week, Apple just released the third generation of their apocalyptic virus, iUnDead, turning almost everyone into zombies! All except you, me and a bunch of idiots who will die eventually because they were stupid enough to actually run in the direction of them flesh-eating bunny zombies, and lovingly offer their butts for dinner. While screaming their heads off in fear! OMG!

Just like any other zombie apocalypse, we have some dude named George Romero running around somewhere, trying to make sure everyone dies. Also, if you have a Mexican, a token black guy, or a big brawny guy who everyone runs to for protection in your group, they will definitely die. Also Paris Hilton because she’s hot. But she’s in jail right now so we don’t know how to fit her in.

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Now let me tour you around this lovely wasteland and give you some tips on how to not die (or at least not get molested) in this apocalyptic future:

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This is a zombie. He will eat you.


A zombie auditioning for American Idol


Zombies, like the rest of us, love boobies.


This is a shotgun. This is everyone’s favorite zombie killing weapon.


How to kill zombies.

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How blacks kill zombies.


Zombies rushing off to buy Harry Potter 7

So let me welcome you, n00b, to this apocalyptic future by putting this fully-loaded shotgun in your hand. Now let me leave you alone with your fellow morons in this dingy room. Don’t worry, you’ll be left with food supplies good for a week. Now just interact nicely with your fellow holocaust survivors, because you’re on national television and our viewers will be voting off the lamest member in every week to feed to the zombies. You get to nominate who gets kicked off, of course. Also, you get to protect yourselves from zombie attacks, which happen every two hours or so. Imagine how our ratings will shoot up. The winner will then get record deals, product endorsements, and acting gigs, even though he/she doesn’t have any discernible talents. And the winner survives the zombie apocalypse!

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EDIT: It’s been a few hours since I published this entry. Rereading it, I realize that I must’ve ingested something that contained hallucinogens or something that made me write this. Don’t be afraid to say it with me: What. The. Fuck.