Apple & Cranberry Munch More Muesli
I was rummaging through the kitchen the other day for a quick snack when I saw this really weird bag sitting in one forgotten corner of a shelf. It’s called “Simply Cereal Apple & Cranberry Munch More Muesli”. As everyone who reads my blog knows, I am hopelessly out of shape and I welcome any sort of attempt to insert healthy eating in my life. So I grab the bag, even though it looks extremely dusty and nobody had attempted to eat its contents for the last couple of months, the grammar of the product name seems weird, and it suspiciously does not have an expiration date. I will eat this supposedly healthy, fiber-enriched cereal. I don’t think I’ll die of colon cancer anymore! YAY FIBER! Also, watch as a slimmer, fitter me emerges!
It actually looks quite edible, even delicious. I mean, it’s apple and cranberries. And it’s got real fresh fruit! And it looks like you have to scatter them on the ground and wait for a few months for harvest before you can eat them. However, I don’t like to put unfamiliar objects in my mouth without tasting a small bit of them first. Especially during that time I got drunk with Steel. So I decided to pour a few pieces in my hand and taste test this bitch, lest this cereal gives me that same strange look Steel gives me everytime we get drunk.
I know that unprocessed cereal is healthier than processed cereal, but this is ridiculous. This actually reminds me of… horse food. WTF right? What do these guys do, package horse food and send it off to be eaten by humans? Oh well, since I’m a dumbass who likes to do stupid things on my blog so that people can laugh at me and call me a fattie, I hesitantly put the handful of horse food cereal to my mouth. And I chew, quite apprehensively.
This is me resisting the urge to die.
I have to admit, the taste wasn’t that bad. I mean, it had the distinct taste of apple and cranberries. No, actually, it tasted like grain. With bits of apple. Yeah. What a let down. I was hoping that I’d get an explosion of apple flavors and all that with a small guy in a leprechaun outfit singing “Apples!” in a baritone showing up out of a puff of green smoke and make me doubt my sanity. No, I get plain stupid grain. Feh.
Also, since we’re on the topic of chewing, you might be asking about the texture. What texture? I felt like I’m munching on a twig.
The texture was horrible I think it made more sense if I munched on wood shavings instead. See that small handful in the picture above? It took me five minutes to chew that mulch into a consistency good enough for me to be able to swallow it without spitting it out. Also, don’t get any ideas from that last sentence. Ass.
I decided to make the texture more bearable by pouring the whole horse food mixture into a bowl, and adding some milk into it so that hopefully, it’ll resemble something edible by humans afterwards.
Pouring milk into it didn’t make this look edible either. It only made the wheat grains look like wheat grains submerged into milk. With nuts. And raisins. Strangely, this mixture looks at right home inside the white porcelain bowl. I wonder why.
Okay, enough stalling. I shall eat this stale, possibly expired, twig-like cereal. Be back in ten. Hopefully.
Yay, I’m alive.
Okay, it wasn’t so bad. Seriously. It actually feels like I’m chewing on a twig. Dipped in milk. For all the times you dip a twig in milk and chew on it like you’re a wild animal, this is the ultimate twig-dipped-in-milk chewing experience. I suddenly realize that my parents spent a fortune in sending me off to the best schools money can buy so I could get an education, and this is where I end up: chewing horsefood for the heck of it. I am a sad, sad man.
Later on, I relay this experience to Noelle. It was very… enlightening.
Ade: the full name of the product is “Simply Cereal Apple & Cranberry Munch More Muesli”
Noelle: I prefer them rolled out
Noelle: not whole
Noelle: you know horses eat cereal
Ade: i knoes
Noelle: anything grain-based is a cereal
Ade: so this is really horse food?
Noelle: it could be, yeah!
Noelle: except it’s processed
Ade: no it’s not
Noelle: um ok
Noelle: how does it taste?
Ade: it’s got wheat grains in there
Ade: it’s actually quite sweet. it’s got dried apple and cranberry parts there
Ade: but the texture is horrible
Noelle: lol it IS horse feed
Noelle: maybe it’s got Mane-and-Tail like qualities too
Noelle: you’ll have glossy hair!
Noelle: you stud you!
I realize now that I have to stop eating this. I could see where this horsefood-eating thing will lead me:
A glimpse into the possible future
Okay. Horse food eating will stop NOW.
What will Ade eat next? Leave a suggestion!
In case you’re wondering, this series was inspired by Steve, Don’t Eat It!